Reposted - Nov 20, 2014 BREAK OUT THE SUPERGLUE

Monday was the worst evening we've had in a loooong time. I can't even remember how it started - homework of course is always a trigger.  We were doing homework and suddenly KABOOM! The paper got shredded, the screaming started, books got thrown.....and that was just the opening salvo.
I, sadly, could not get in that place of compassion....I was just done.  I had nothing left to deal with this, so I walked away.  It was undoubtedly the worst thing I could have done, as it feeds the rejection, but it was the only thing I could do.  Sometimes you have to make the bad choice because you just don't have the strength to make the good one.

I walked into the kitchen, trying to breathe and not scream. Of course TK followed me, screaming things I haven't heard in years.  "I wish you'd die so I could get a new mom.  I'm going to run away and find a new mom. You're the worst mom ever. Why did God stick me with you? He really screwed up!"   I did manage to stay somewhat in a good place and just reply along the lines of, "I'm going to be your mom forever. No matter what you say, where you go, or what you do, I will always love you and always be your mom."  Yeah, it hurt my feelings, but I knew deep down she didn't mean any of it.  What really hurt was knowing at the moment she didn't feel safe with even me.  Her world felt so threatening that even I could not make her feel okay.  That was hard - usually I can be the safe place, the place that reminds her she is worthy and loved.  
I know some of what is behind it.  Her best friend has been hanging with other girls and telling her she doesn't want to be with her. REJECTION.  I've been really under the weather, fibromyalgia flaring, busted foot, then as soon as that was better a torn ligament in my hand, so I haven't been "fun active" mom lately. REJECTION. Her teacher has been pushing her more to get her homework done on time regardless of challenges. REJECTION.  

So yes, it was horrible.  We finally recalibrated (I honestly don't remember how - I try to forget the bad stuff) and ended up with cuddles and giggles at bedtime. To say I was exhausted is an understatement.  I was done - physically, emotionally.....done. But the reality is I'm not allowed to be done - not ever. So I cried, prayed, breathed, and got on with it.

Luckily her friend and she patched things up and that turned things around quite a bit.  Luckily I spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday while she was at school sleeping, so I feel halfway human again.  Luckily we always manage to find the love through the trauma.  Luckily we find a way to give each other grace and forgiveness even when we really blow it.

It will be a tough week next week. Holidays are hard and we feel quite isolated during these family times. I will again be exhausted trying to make it a fun busy week, but seeing that smile makes all the exhaustion worth while.

I'm giving us both grace for Monday - sometimes we all come unglued.  Luckily we gave each other grace and moved forward, back to smiles and hugs and silliness.

Grant each other some grace too. You may not have come unglued, but odds are your TK will sometime in the next week, so hold onto that grace and use it when you need it.