For the first time ever, I actually got in the car, turned it on, opened the garage and started to back out - after yelling to TK that I was "going out and would be back in a while" and slamming multiple doors on my way out. Don't get me wrong, I've thought about doing it a zillion times before, but today I actually got the car out of the garage. Then my mom guilt kicked in and I pulled back into the garage, got out of the car, told TK (without yelling) that I would be out back if she needed me, and proceeded out onto the deck where I summarily THREW all the stuff that needed to be cleared off the deck into the yard.
What precipitated my personal meltdown? It was a bad day - a really, really, really bad day.
TK is facing a lot of challenges right now. They have just entered the throes of standardized testing at school - 6 days of it coming up. Add to that needing to learn lines for a play, having a stress fracture so stuck in a boot and unable to do the dance steps for the play or participate in the school's 5k, etc. Basically it's a perfect storm of overwhelm. To make it even stormier, I had shoulder surgery 8 weeks ago and my recuperation has been beyond slow and challenging. I am running on way too little sleep and dealing with muscle spasms and the frustration of not being anywhere close to where I should be in the rehab process. This means I am less emotionally available, less sympathetic, and, according to TK, totally selfish.
When TK is overwhelmed and dysregulated, the new "script" is this....
- I keep telling you the same things over and over and you never listen
- You don't seem to care about anything I do or say
- The only time you seem to be happy is when someone else is around
- Nothing I do is good enough for you; I can never make you happy
- I'm not enough for anybody; nothing I do matters
The ironic part of this script is virtually the same script runs through my head.
I get it; I understand the trauma spiral of doom that goes from "I'm feeling overwhelmed" to "I am useless". But I admit I am tired....tired of being the only one who gets blamed; tired of fighting to stay regulated myself when accused of being selfish and uncaring; tired of putting my needs and desires aside to address TK's; tired of the knowledge that no matter how good things seem, there is certainly a period of dysregulation and the associated drama looming.
We go far longer between periods of dysregulation, yet in some ways I find them even more exhausting. Perhaps I get lulled into complacency when things are good; perhaps I choose to believe that we have hit that magic point where trauma no longer affects us beyond a small occasional blip; perhaps I am just living in a dream world and hoping beyond hope that we are done. But we are not done. I don't know if we will ever be done. We surely have made progress, and trauma no longer rules every moment of our lives, but it is always there, lurking, waiting, seeking that one stress point where the overwhelm can sneak in and make common problems unbearable.
The rules keep changing, trauma mamas. Take courage from knowing you have made it this far in the journey and you are strong enough to keep fighting the good fight. Give yourself grace when you want to get in the car and keep driving, when you can't bear to hear the script and pretend it doesn't hurt you one more time, when you long with all your being to just be "done". I get it. I'm there with you. We will conquer this latest trauma challenge as we have conquered the ones before - with patience, grace, and love.
