Summer "vacation" - a misnomer if ever there was one. Spending nearly every minute of every day with a Trauma Kid (TK) who thrives on structure and predictability and is thrust into the "what are we going to do today" reality of summer is NOT a vacation.
It was, at least, better than previous summers. TK is maturing and learning to handle her dysregulation better, but there is still a long way to go. But we hung tough - until the last two weeks. A "friend" of TK (whom I had never liked but couldn't pin down why) and TK got into a big argument. I don't know exactly what was said but given this was two tweenage girls I'm sure it got nasty. The "friend" texted TK that she was going to kill herself. TK showed me the text. I had no way to get in touch with the mom so I called the police and told them. They did a welfare check on the girl. The mom accused me of "ruining their life" and stalked me on messenger for a week or so. My continued failure to respond to the vitriol eventually convinced her to stop, I assume. The girl told all their mutual friends how TK had ruined her life, wouldn't be friends with her anymore and essentially was a horrible person. So the mutual friends came at TK accusing her of being a bad friend, saying how she hurt this girl, etc. Can you say REJECTION?
Lots of old behaviors surfaced - slamming doors, tantrums, "everyone hates me"......and it was compounded with tweenage hormones so we also had LOTS of tears and way too little sleep. A new behavior manifested itself - the shutdown. TK hibernated in her room, not talking to friends, just hiding. She refused to trust anyone (including me) and was belligerent and nasty most of the time. I understood it was because the rejection was overwhelming, but it was still exhausting.
With a lot of patience on my part and a good therapist, TK worked her way through it pretty well.....until school started, because of course the girl goes to TK's school. The first three days they didn't see each other, though the girl kept asking mutual friends to tell TK she missed her, etc. Starting on day 4 the girl "managed" to run into TK every day at school, usually multiple times. To say this threw a monkey wrench in TK's regulation is an understatement of epic proportions.
TK did her best to not let it rattle her, but it did. And, as inevitably happens with our TKs, even if they can bury the dysregulation for a while, it's still there, and eventually it blows. And blow it did.
We were at out dear friend's house, laughing and relaxing and having a great night. At one point I was very excited and said "oh my gosh". We don't say that in our house - we say oh my goodness. TK slapped my arm (a resounding, leave a temporary mark slap) and yelled, "Mom!" I was livid. I had no compassion for the fact that she had been dealing with this stress at school for the last two weeks. I was just ticked. We immediately left and drove home in silence. She told me she was sorry but it was cursory and lacked sincerity.
Today we had a chat about respect and the fact that while her opinion counts, she does not have the right to control what I say; we are not peers. Of course this was further rejection and she went into her room sobbing that I hated her. I let her. I believe at this point while she feels embarrassed and rejected, she does truly know that I love her. This is a swing point for us. Maybe it should have come sooner. Maybe I played too much into the trauma. Maybe the healing had progressed further than I knew. Maybe I blew it a thousand different times by letting her behavior be excused as trauma based. Maybe......or maybe not. I don't know and I probably never will. All I know is I made the best decisions I could at the time. Would I change some of them in retrospect? Maybe...
There's no instruction manual for our TKs, trauma mamas. Trust your gut and give yourself grace when you, like I, look back and start listing the times and ways you blew it. Take a breath and look at the fact that you've made progress, even if it's two steps forward, one step back.....because that's still progress.
You'll screw up. I did, and do. Grant yourself the grace of knowing the errors are made with love and based on the knowledge you have at that moment. The rules change just about every day with TKs. Keep on adapting, keep on loving, and most of all, keep on giving yourself grace. You deserve it.
