As you read, the first two weeks of summer torture (aka summer vacation to the non trauma folks) were horrible. I was pretty sure one or both of us would need to be heavily medicated to survive the rest of summer.
The next two weeks were pretty good. The primary reason is we had things scheduled. TK had drama camp in the morning for two weeks (which she loved) and art camp one week in the afternoon. So she got structure, mental stimulation, and social time with peers. I also greatly limited screen time and focused on really connecting with her (which, let's face it, is easier when I got a little time away from her).
This week is the first of two weeks of nothing on the agenda. I've come at it from a different perspective - planning something for each day, limiting screen time, making sure we play a lot. We did pretty well in the beginning of week 1 of this 2 week lull. A friend has two litters of kittens that we've been socializing and helping with, so there has been the happiness that comes from helping and from loving on baby kittens. We hit the museum and checked out a new library one day, had an (indoor) skateboarding competition (gotta love wood floors), played capture the flag (also inside), and broke out lots of board games and puzzles.
Today, however....not so great. We had a great start - a repeat skateboarding competition, more capture the flag, made a photo book of TK and her favorite stuffed critter (lots of silly poses, captions, etc), then I let her watch some movies while I mowed the lawn and did some necessary outside chores (in the oppressively hot weather....felt like 106 out there). When I came in I got cleaned up and sat down to chill out. TK came out and asked her favorite stuffed critter (FSC) to make up a game. (FSC's voice is of course mine, so this was in essence asking me to make up a game.) FSC declined. BOOM! TK started screaming hateful things at FSC and yelling at him to be mean back to her. FSC refused to be mean back, which fanned the flames. After about 5 minutes FSC went silent and TK stormed off to her room. She came out a few minutes later and apologized to FSC, then repeated her request for him to make up a game. (It was now 10 minutes before bedtime). FSC countered with the offer of a board game or card game. Nope. TK went off again, threatening FSC with the trash can, packing him up and sending him away, ripping his head off. FSC again refused to engage, just kept telling TK he loved her and wouldn't be mean to her. TK again storms off to her room and comes out in a few minutes to apologize.
A few minutes later she starts sobbing. "When I begged you not to go to Girl Scout camp, you went anyway. I BEGGED you and you left me." (SERIOUSLY? This was 2 months ago!) I reminded her that she had fun while I was away. (Yeah, in retrospect I blew it. I was trying to be rational in the face of a trauma meltdown. But honestly I just wanted this to be over so I could get her in bed). What ensued was a melange of calm, tears, screaming, frustration, and futility. I was hellbent on making her understand that I need some time to be with adults and be more than just Mom, and she was equally hellbent on.....oh, I have no idea what she was hellbent on. She was obviously feeling rejected and unimportant. ("Just pack me off whenever you want and you can pretend you don't even HAVE a kid!" "Next year you are NOT going and that's final!") I was far too much in my "Life isn't all about you, Missy!" mindset to respond appropriately.
I finally just shut it down and packed her off to bed. She sobbed for a while as I read, then she calmed down and we ended up okay.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I strongly suspect I will wake up with a sense of dread and panic. I know she needs structure, but our funds are severely limited so I can't provide a never ending stream of camps. And she wouldn't go, anyway. Unfortunately we don't have the neighborhood that's full of kids to play with, and we are still considered "problematic" from past trauma meltdowns. Part of me thinks I should go back to work full time (even though it would physically not be feasible....there are still many days I am in significant pain and when I worked two or three days at school I was done in for days afterward). But the thought of the structure and social interaction of child care is honestly appealing (and let's be real, not being 24/7 mom is appealing too).
As always, there's no easy answer. We have a great fun trip planned with good friends (one for her, one for me) in early July, so I think we will both get what we need from that. Then there's basketball camp for a week, then we will head to the beach for a week (to my mom's - a 10 hour drive followed by days of three of us in a small condo.....stressful, to say the least, but at least it's a change of venue). By the time we get home we will have about 2 weeks until school starts.
We can get through this. I just wish it was easier. Luckily we have the graces of a new day, a re-do, and unconditional love to get us through.
Hang in there, Trauma Mamas.......school is coming!
.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
Hoist on my own petard
No, I didn't know what a petard is, either, but I looked it up (a small bomb, affixed to a door in the past. The fuse was lit and the fuse lighter ran, but if he did not run fast enough he blew himself up. Just in case you wondered).
Love conquers fear. Trauma is basically fear in action. So love conquers trauma.....easy, right? (Give me a moment while I stop laughing). If only. We never lack for love in our house, but fear still rules the day sometimes. You all know fear has ruled my heart and our house the last two weeks. Luckily I am starting to shake it loose.
I received lots of grace this week when some friends who know us well heard me say a specific word that caught their attention. I said that TK was 20% frenetic, 60% normal and 20% depressed. The word "frenetic" was the key. Frenetic means TK is lacking connection; she is overwhelmed; she cannot self-regulate. Frenetic means fear is winning in her heart too. Frenetic means she needs me to pull her closer and, in spite of all the complaints and screaming "That's NOT what I need!", make our world smaller - limit stimuli, keep a regular schedule, keep interactions with others shorter than normal.......all things I did not want to do.
I tried taking the easy way out. I gave her the "first week of summer" free reign with electronics. And it was lovely. She spent hours in her room and I had peace and quiet....until I didn't. And the didn't so far outweighed the lovely that I am, in retrospect, wondering where I came up with that stupid in the first place. Surely after almost 6 years of this I know better! The easy way out never works. It is, indeed, a lovely thought that it would, and sometimes you have to hold onto that hope and run with it. And, like me, you will be surprised when it blows up in your face. (And, like me, you'll probably slap yourself in the head and say "duh.")
The reality is I knew this answer but ignored it for a few more days. I was just not ready to be full on trauma mama. It is exhausting and I needed a mental health year (sadly my year only lasted two weeks).
So we hit the brakes on electronics, upped the outside time, increased the mom/TK time, and things are improving a bit. Drama camp also started this week, so that's 2-1/2 hours a day of social interaction and being good at something, which helps. So what does our summer day look like? Drama camp, then home to swim, play basketball, jump on the trampoline, play games, watch a little TV, turn it off and play games, do puzzles, or read. But whatever we choose, we are in the same room....no more isolation.
It's a challenge. TK very much wants time in her room to herself, but right now I have to limit that to the bare minimum. As much as she wants it, that isolation feeds trauma. And as much as I want it, feeding trauma is like giving the gremlin food after midnight.......bad things happen.
Why, you wonder, did it take so long to figure out? Multiple reasons. First, I admit I was being lazy. I full-up own that. I was tired of playing trauma mama (May is always exhausting - Gotcha Day, birthday, visits from Grandma for those events, end of school - lots of good things that totally wreck the predictability and safety of our lives), so I took a break. Was it worth it? I'm not sure - right now I'd say no, but having hours where I could pretend I was alone was pretty nice. Second, I was so buried in the miasma of crud that I couldn't see out of the pit. And when I did peek out, I didn't like the view (i.e., the harsh reality that we had to get back to near constant togetherness for a while), so I ducked back in the pit.
I am grateful for the grace of those of you who told me what a good job I was doing (even though we both know I wasn't!). I started writing this blog to help others heal, but it heals me too.
Tonight TK told me, "Mom, we need go back to the school year rule of no electronics after 8, so let's turn off the TV and play." I admit a big part of me whined internally ("We spent 2-1/2 hours in the pool and an hour on the trampoline, and I don't want to play school."), but I did it. And we had a peaceful bedtime. HALLELUJAH! Yesterday was the first day we didn't have any screaming (from either of us).....today marked day 2. I am VERY grateful for that grace.
Don't beat yourselves up when you take a breather, trauma mamas. Just own it, take a deep breath, move on and fix it. You know what to do. And not wanting/being able to do it sometimes is okay. The love is always there. And yeah, you'll blow it on occasion. Sometimes you'll even blow it on purpose. But the grace to try again when you're ready is always there. Hold onto that grace.....some days it's your only life raft. Grace and love are enough.
Love conquers fear. Trauma is basically fear in action. So love conquers trauma.....easy, right? (Give me a moment while I stop laughing). If only. We never lack for love in our house, but fear still rules the day sometimes. You all know fear has ruled my heart and our house the last two weeks. Luckily I am starting to shake it loose.
I received lots of grace this week when some friends who know us well heard me say a specific word that caught their attention. I said that TK was 20% frenetic, 60% normal and 20% depressed. The word "frenetic" was the key. Frenetic means TK is lacking connection; she is overwhelmed; she cannot self-regulate. Frenetic means fear is winning in her heart too. Frenetic means she needs me to pull her closer and, in spite of all the complaints and screaming "That's NOT what I need!", make our world smaller - limit stimuli, keep a regular schedule, keep interactions with others shorter than normal.......all things I did not want to do.
I tried taking the easy way out. I gave her the "first week of summer" free reign with electronics. And it was lovely. She spent hours in her room and I had peace and quiet....until I didn't. And the didn't so far outweighed the lovely that I am, in retrospect, wondering where I came up with that stupid in the first place. Surely after almost 6 years of this I know better! The easy way out never works. It is, indeed, a lovely thought that it would, and sometimes you have to hold onto that hope and run with it. And, like me, you will be surprised when it blows up in your face. (And, like me, you'll probably slap yourself in the head and say "duh.")
The reality is I knew this answer but ignored it for a few more days. I was just not ready to be full on trauma mama. It is exhausting and I needed a mental health year (sadly my year only lasted two weeks).
So we hit the brakes on electronics, upped the outside time, increased the mom/TK time, and things are improving a bit. Drama camp also started this week, so that's 2-1/2 hours a day of social interaction and being good at something, which helps. So what does our summer day look like? Drama camp, then home to swim, play basketball, jump on the trampoline, play games, watch a little TV, turn it off and play games, do puzzles, or read. But whatever we choose, we are in the same room....no more isolation.
It's a challenge. TK very much wants time in her room to herself, but right now I have to limit that to the bare minimum. As much as she wants it, that isolation feeds trauma. And as much as I want it, feeding trauma is like giving the gremlin food after midnight.......bad things happen.
Why, you wonder, did it take so long to figure out? Multiple reasons. First, I admit I was being lazy. I full-up own that. I was tired of playing trauma mama (May is always exhausting - Gotcha Day, birthday, visits from Grandma for those events, end of school - lots of good things that totally wreck the predictability and safety of our lives), so I took a break. Was it worth it? I'm not sure - right now I'd say no, but having hours where I could pretend I was alone was pretty nice. Second, I was so buried in the miasma of crud that I couldn't see out of the pit. And when I did peek out, I didn't like the view (i.e., the harsh reality that we had to get back to near constant togetherness for a while), so I ducked back in the pit.
I am grateful for the grace of those of you who told me what a good job I was doing (even though we both know I wasn't!). I started writing this blog to help others heal, but it heals me too.
Tonight TK told me, "Mom, we need go back to the school year rule of no electronics after 8, so let's turn off the TV and play." I admit a big part of me whined internally ("We spent 2-1/2 hours in the pool and an hour on the trampoline, and I don't want to play school."), but I did it. And we had a peaceful bedtime. HALLELUJAH! Yesterday was the first day we didn't have any screaming (from either of us).....today marked day 2. I am VERY grateful for that grace.
Don't beat yourselves up when you take a breather, trauma mamas. Just own it, take a deep breath, move on and fix it. You know what to do. And not wanting/being able to do it sometimes is okay. The love is always there. And yeah, you'll blow it on occasion. Sometimes you'll even blow it on purpose. But the grace to try again when you're ready is always there. Hold onto that grace.....some days it's your only life raft. Grace and love are enough.
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Fear tsunami
This one hurts to write, but it's right in line with my promise to tell you the whole truth of being a trauma mama, so here goes. I will warn you it is even more convoluted than normal.
We are almost two weeks into summer "vacation". TK is bored silly and lonely. In truth we are both feeling isolated and out of sorts. (I hate summer....it's the ultimate long break from school, and life devolves rapidly when we lose structure and exposure to friends on a regular basis). TK isn't rife with friends, and the ones she has are either consumed with sports activities, traveling, in camp or geographically too far away to make frequent get-togethers infeasible. Though she had a get together yesterday and had a fabulous time.
An aside, yet inherent to the story.....TK decided to quit the gymnastics team. She has been getting more and more reluctant to go to practice, so I wasn't surprised. She told me, "Mom, I'm the worst one on the team and I leave every practice feeling like a loser." It's hard to push back against that. So she quit. The downside of that is she lost that scheduled, regular social interaction. That was a huge loss. I debated pushing her to stay until school started so she would have social time, but I could not envision fighting that battle three times a week knowing it was crushing her self esteem.
So.......back to today's saga.
TK really REALLY wanted to go to an arcade she had been to at her get together yesterday (and she had been pretty successful. TK would live in an arcade and think she had died and gone to heaven.) She had some money left and wanted to spend it there. I advised against it but she insisted, so I decided some lessons must be learned the hard way. She spent the first half of it and got bupkis, so I suggested saving the rest to spend elsewhere. She rejected that idea and spent it in the claw machine. She did win one thing she wanted. As we left she said, "Mom, that was a really expensive pig." I just nodded.
On the way home she was sobbing in the car. I told her I was sorry she hadn't won more, and she said, "That's not it. I wish I hadn't spent all my money for nothing." I empathized, and she got immediately furious. "Don't you have something else to say?" I told her I was sorry she was sad. "Aren't you going to tell me you'll give me the money I spent so I'm not sad?" Ummmmm.....that would be no. KABOOM! "Worst mom ever, wish I had a rich mom who gave me whatever I wanted, I'm only 10 and don't have to learn about money yet, I don't even get an allowance because you think I should EARN my money which is STUPID." There was more, but that gives you the gist.
Other earlier conversations came into play. I had told her that for the rest of the summer I would get two days to decide what we did/where we went, etc, and the others would be what we normally did, which is collaborate driven largely by her whims. The meltdown escalated into, "Why don't you just decide what we do every day? You don't even want me, just admit it."
But I couldn't do it......I couldn't get into that warm and fuzzy place of empathy and compassion. Why? The ugly truth is my life isn't rife with friends either, and the ones I have I almost never get alone time with because TK is my constant sidekick. She ranted at me about how I have friends and she doesn't, and it basically turned into a woe is me competition, with me yelling, "Too bad for you that your mom sucks. So sorry." (See, I told you it was ugly). It ended with both of us sobbing in our rooms. And for the first time ever, I had a few minutes where I felt like she would be better off with a different mom. It wasn't that I wished I didn't have her - I have never had that thought, not even in the worst of the worst. But I honestly wondered if I could be what she needed. Even thinking that broke my heart.
She came out later and asked me why I was so upset. I tried to make her understand, which is not a good trauma response, but at that point my own trauma trumped hers, at least in my mind. And I actually think that's okay. Yes, she has trauma issues. But so do other people, and at some point she will have to learn that hers don't always trump the day ---- even with mom.
She asked if we could go to some thrift stores to look for books she wanted (she had an IOU from me for some books), and I said yes. I got in the car still crying. She asked me every few minutes, "Mom, are you feeling better yet? " She apologized for making me cry, and said, "I never said you sucked, and I don't know why you keep yelling at me." I told her it was a bad day for mom, and I'm sorry I yelled but sometimes my life is pretty hard too. Then I told her I spent 99% of my time and energy trying to make her happy, and I know she's not but I don't know why, and that makes me feel like a bad mom. I know it not's cool to dump your crud on your kid, but I wanted her to get it - that other people's challenges matter too, that she can't always be first, that mom is human and needs some compassion too.
I still don't know exactly why she is so unhappy. I don't know if it's puberty, summer isolation, some hidden fear.......she was so negative and hateful at the beginning of her therapy session yesterday that she freaked out the therapist. But the therapist was late and I'm not sure if some of it was just retaliation for that, because 15 minutes in she was sweetness and light. But hearing that from the therapist scared me.....is there some darkness/weight/sadness in her that I'm not seeing? Is she really far less okay than I think?
I know I can't go there. Operating out of fear results in days like today - where things explode and everyone is a casualty. But that fear has crept into my heart and put me on high alert. TK told me she was not going back to the therapist, that she didn't like her anymore and she wasn't going to talk to anyone ever again about how she felt. I freaked then tried to breathe, telling myself it's not until Wed, and this is not the first time she had made this declaration, so just let it go.
She took a new class tonight (trampoline) and I was so proud of her......it was at a new gym, new coaches, didn't know anyone there, and she did it - went out there and did her stuff. That took tremendous courage. I see that and think, "surely she is in the same pretty good mental/emotional place she normally is." Luckily drama camp starts next week- hopefully having some structure will help too.
Bottom line - I am in the worst place to be with a TK - in a place of fear. She gave me some grace when she kept asking me if I felt better, gave me a hug, said she loved me. In an interesting paradox, those did not dent my fear level, which gives me insight into how she must feel sometimes when she is awash in fear and I try to ease it. (Have to admit I didn't really want that insight, thanks.) Tonight was a very normal night, but I have my fear colored glasses on, so I am questioning everything.
Send some grace our way. This too shall pass, but I will be on high alert for signs that something is not right (more not right than normal, that is). I will try to get myself out of this place of fear, for there is nothing good that can happen while I am here. I'm honestly not sure how to get out of it, but I'll keep praying and trusting I will. Grace will get me there.
We are almost two weeks into summer "vacation". TK is bored silly and lonely. In truth we are both feeling isolated and out of sorts. (I hate summer....it's the ultimate long break from school, and life devolves rapidly when we lose structure and exposure to friends on a regular basis). TK isn't rife with friends, and the ones she has are either consumed with sports activities, traveling, in camp or geographically too far away to make frequent get-togethers infeasible. Though she had a get together yesterday and had a fabulous time.
An aside, yet inherent to the story.....TK decided to quit the gymnastics team. She has been getting more and more reluctant to go to practice, so I wasn't surprised. She told me, "Mom, I'm the worst one on the team and I leave every practice feeling like a loser." It's hard to push back against that. So she quit. The downside of that is she lost that scheduled, regular social interaction. That was a huge loss. I debated pushing her to stay until school started so she would have social time, but I could not envision fighting that battle three times a week knowing it was crushing her self esteem.
So.......back to today's saga.
TK really REALLY wanted to go to an arcade she had been to at her get together yesterday (and she had been pretty successful. TK would live in an arcade and think she had died and gone to heaven.) She had some money left and wanted to spend it there. I advised against it but she insisted, so I decided some lessons must be learned the hard way. She spent the first half of it and got bupkis, so I suggested saving the rest to spend elsewhere. She rejected that idea and spent it in the claw machine. She did win one thing she wanted. As we left she said, "Mom, that was a really expensive pig." I just nodded.
On the way home she was sobbing in the car. I told her I was sorry she hadn't won more, and she said, "That's not it. I wish I hadn't spent all my money for nothing." I empathized, and she got immediately furious. "Don't you have something else to say?" I told her I was sorry she was sad. "Aren't you going to tell me you'll give me the money I spent so I'm not sad?" Ummmmm.....that would be no. KABOOM! "Worst mom ever, wish I had a rich mom who gave me whatever I wanted, I'm only 10 and don't have to learn about money yet, I don't even get an allowance because you think I should EARN my money which is STUPID." There was more, but that gives you the gist.
Other earlier conversations came into play. I had told her that for the rest of the summer I would get two days to decide what we did/where we went, etc, and the others would be what we normally did, which is collaborate driven largely by her whims. The meltdown escalated into, "Why don't you just decide what we do every day? You don't even want me, just admit it."
But I couldn't do it......I couldn't get into that warm and fuzzy place of empathy and compassion. Why? The ugly truth is my life isn't rife with friends either, and the ones I have I almost never get alone time with because TK is my constant sidekick. She ranted at me about how I have friends and she doesn't, and it basically turned into a woe is me competition, with me yelling, "Too bad for you that your mom sucks. So sorry." (See, I told you it was ugly). It ended with both of us sobbing in our rooms. And for the first time ever, I had a few minutes where I felt like she would be better off with a different mom. It wasn't that I wished I didn't have her - I have never had that thought, not even in the worst of the worst. But I honestly wondered if I could be what she needed. Even thinking that broke my heart.
She came out later and asked me why I was so upset. I tried to make her understand, which is not a good trauma response, but at that point my own trauma trumped hers, at least in my mind. And I actually think that's okay. Yes, she has trauma issues. But so do other people, and at some point she will have to learn that hers don't always trump the day ---- even with mom.
She asked if we could go to some thrift stores to look for books she wanted (she had an IOU from me for some books), and I said yes. I got in the car still crying. She asked me every few minutes, "Mom, are you feeling better yet? " She apologized for making me cry, and said, "I never said you sucked, and I don't know why you keep yelling at me." I told her it was a bad day for mom, and I'm sorry I yelled but sometimes my life is pretty hard too. Then I told her I spent 99% of my time and energy trying to make her happy, and I know she's not but I don't know why, and that makes me feel like a bad mom. I know it not's cool to dump your crud on your kid, but I wanted her to get it - that other people's challenges matter too, that she can't always be first, that mom is human and needs some compassion too.
I still don't know exactly why she is so unhappy. I don't know if it's puberty, summer isolation, some hidden fear.......she was so negative and hateful at the beginning of her therapy session yesterday that she freaked out the therapist. But the therapist was late and I'm not sure if some of it was just retaliation for that, because 15 minutes in she was sweetness and light. But hearing that from the therapist scared me.....is there some darkness/weight/sadness in her that I'm not seeing? Is she really far less okay than I think?
I know I can't go there. Operating out of fear results in days like today - where things explode and everyone is a casualty. But that fear has crept into my heart and put me on high alert. TK told me she was not going back to the therapist, that she didn't like her anymore and she wasn't going to talk to anyone ever again about how she felt. I freaked then tried to breathe, telling myself it's not until Wed, and this is not the first time she had made this declaration, so just let it go.
She took a new class tonight (trampoline) and I was so proud of her......it was at a new gym, new coaches, didn't know anyone there, and she did it - went out there and did her stuff. That took tremendous courage. I see that and think, "surely she is in the same pretty good mental/emotional place she normally is." Luckily drama camp starts next week- hopefully having some structure will help too.
Bottom line - I am in the worst place to be with a TK - in a place of fear. She gave me some grace when she kept asking me if I felt better, gave me a hug, said she loved me. In an interesting paradox, those did not dent my fear level, which gives me insight into how she must feel sometimes when she is awash in fear and I try to ease it. (Have to admit I didn't really want that insight, thanks.) Tonight was a very normal night, but I have my fear colored glasses on, so I am questioning everything.
Send some grace our way. This too shall pass, but I will be on high alert for signs that something is not right (more not right than normal, that is). I will try to get myself out of this place of fear, for there is nothing good that can happen while I am here. I'm honestly not sure how to get out of it, but I'll keep praying and trusting I will. Grace will get me there.
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