Someone (who has dealt with with TK every day for over 7 months and has been privy to the many meetings about TK and how her trauma manifests and how we deal with it) made a comment today about TK that had me questioning a lot of things.....her progress along this trauma journey, the choices I've made as her parent, the choices I continue to make....but after a lot of tears and contemplation I realized I need to be asking different questions.
I need to ask:
- Why do people still not understand a particular behavior or pattern of behaviors are a form of communicating a need and not a manipulation or histrionics?
- Why do people not understand that a Trauma Kid's attempts to draw attention to themselves are not about selfishness but are about needing connection and safety?
- Why do people want to remove the safeguards we have so painstakingly put in place to help our TKs, thinking that removing them will force our TKs to just "tough it out and deal with the real world"?
I guess the most important questions of all are:
- When will people view trauma with compassion and not judgment?
- When will people want to start really learning about trauma?
- When will more people really be willing to put in the effort to change our TK's lives for the better?
Some basic truths:
- The effects of trauma can't be erased with a year (or two or ten) of effort.
- The tools/safeguards we put into place (e.g., 504/IEP, etc) can't be yanked out so the trauma kid can "better learn to deal with the real world". Those tools may be needed forever - and THAT'S OKAY. Our goal isn't to get rid of the safeguards. Of course we hope to not need them one day, but our goal is to make our TKs feel safe enough to learn and succeed. If we remove those safeguards the minute things improve, there will be no safety net when the inevitable backward step occurs.
- Behaviors are communication; it's our job as the responsible adults to translate it.
- The face of trauma changes; how our TKs react in any situation one time does not mean they will react the same way the next time. There are so many variables in trauma that must be considered.
- Our TKs can't just "tough it out and get over it."
- Trauma causes neurodiversity.....the brain is changed. We have the ability to deal with the changes; we just have to have the willingness.
- It's hard. It's relentless and ever-changing and never takes a vacation.
But there are other truths just as important:
- It's doable. You can make progress, though often there are as many backward steps as there are forward steps.
- Your kid is so much more than a TK. Don't lose sight of that. Don't lose sight of how smart/funny/loving/amazingly courageous they are.
- You are so much more than a Trauma Mama. Don't lose sight of how smart/funny/loving/amazingly courageous YOU are.
I know this was a rambling blog. There are a lot of thoughts running through my brain, and a lot of emotions running through my heart. Mostly I feel discouraged and disappointed. I forget that not everyone is on board. I forget that even though I spend lots of time trying to educate people, some don't get it, and some don't WANT to get it. I forget that not everyone is willing to give TK the grace she needs as she goes along her journey. And sometimes, like today, I forget to stop and look at how far we've come. That's where the grace is...in stopping and reflecting on the successes (however minor) and progress (however minuscule).
Trauma sucks. Dealing with trauma every day sucks. I know how hard it is for us Trauma Mamas; I can't even imagine how much harder it is for our kids. But they're not alone, and luckily, neither are we. We can do this, Trauma Mamas. As Glennon Doyle says, we can do hard things. And we ARE doing hard things.....every single day.
So the next time someone says something "helpful" that rocks my world a little, I'll stop and go back and read some old blog entries and remember how far we've come, and relish in the fact that while we still have a long way to go, we are on the right road. Hold onto the grace that brought you this far and know it will go with you as you move forward. I'm here with you, Trauma Mamas.
