This will be a different post today, Trauma Mamas. I've always tried to keep it real, but this time I'm going hard core reality. I'm doing this in the hope, as always, that it touches someone's heart and makes them feel less alone, less misunderstood, less rejected. But this post will be about me, the Trauma Mama, and not the Trauma Kid.
For most of my adult life I have dealt with chronic illness and/or chronic pain .... endometriosis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, lyme disease and babesia.....and other mystery pain of unknown origin. I spent years on hard core opiates - including wearing a morphine patch for 5 years. I was always closely supervised by a legit pain clinic but those drugs were the only reason I functioned for many years. Pain, in varying degrees, has been a part of my daily life for over 25 years. I can hide it better than most people, and very few, if any, can tell when I'm really hurting. When pain is your reality you just deal with it. I firmly believe sitting around feeling miserable and sorry for yourself is a waste of time.
I adopted my amazing, beautiful, courageous TK from Russia when she was one. We have battled trauma, attachment and mental health issues since she was 4. I have always been an army of one. My support system is......me. Feel free to chime in on how unhealthy that is.....I know. But for a variety of reasons (primarily a world that doesn't understand the impacts of trauma and thus rejects our TKs, blame our parenting for the problems, and writes us off) that has been our reality.
Her emotional challenges and my physical challenges have, many times, put us in financial straits. I am unable to work full time (or even really part time if there's a schedule attached) because I never know when the Lyme disease will flare up to make me barely functional. Our house is a mess (I'm ignoring my need to defend myself and focusing on being real). Our front garden looks like the Clampetts moved in (google it if you're too young to catch the reference!) unless I go hog wild and rip everything out (which has happened but the dang stuff grows back). The list of projects to be done in the house is ridiculous, but always a casualty of either finances or energy.
This isn't a poor me post. But it is an attempt to remind all of us that we don't know what goes on behind someone's doors- either of their house, their heart, or their mind. That's why we need to extend grace with abandon. Your challenges are different from mine, but no less real and no less consuming. I will always try to meet you with grace. Pay the grace forward, my friends. Heaven knows we all need it.
To my non-trauma mama friends.....we need your abundant grace as well. We trauma mamas are often exhausted and/or overwhelmed. But we keep plugging because our trauma kids, while challenging, are also incredibly brave, resilient, amazing humans who have made our lives and our hearts infinitely more full. We don't ask for sympathy, just understanding.....and grace.....that above all.
Friday, November 23, 2018
Monday, November 12, 2018
trip wires
It's been a really challenging few months. I was recently diagnosed with Lyme and Babesia (basically a co-infection that makes symptoms worse), and the treatment is long and improvements are slooooow. Trauma Kid (TK) also started on antidepressants. I agonized over this decision, but I've seen some improvements (and some days where she seems worse than ever).....I guess the jury is still out.
The antidepressant ride has been akin to the Tower of Terror....you know, the one where you plunge straight down, bounce up, plunge down some more, repeat. That's very much what it's been like in our house the last three weeks. So far TK has tried two different meds, with dose tweaks. The first one yielded results but left TK really fatigued. The second one makes her less tired, but she is all over the map right now. Tonight was a night filled with trip wires.
TK has noticed she's happier when she spends less time on her phone. Since we changed meds she is either really happy or really withdrawn. I reminded TK she was happier when she put her phone down. BANG - Trip wire #1 set off. That lit off the 10 minute argument of how mean I was because I told her she had to do chores, how I never appreciate anything she does, etc. I reminded her I said thank you regularly. BANG - Trip wire #2. She told me thank you is meaningless to her generation. (I should get points for not laughing. It helped that I was royally pissed off.) I explained that thank you meant something to me, so when I said it I meant is as true appreciation. Of course that was met with, "Well it doesn't mean anything to me so you need to say something different."
BANG - Trip wire #3 (and that one was obviously set on a timer, because nothing specific set it off). "Every time I try to do something nice for you you either won't let me or you screw it up." I hear this one a lot, and I have yet to figure out what is behind it. She'll say she offered me water and I said no thanks, I already had some. Ditto a snack or anything. Then she asked me (yelled) "what do you want me to do?" I told her I wanted her to do her (expletive deleted) chores. BANG - Trip wire #4. "You don't know how much I already do around here; you expect me to do everything, etc, etc". That part to me seems like normal teenager stuff. I told her it was simple - no chores, no allowance. That got the usual teenager moans - "You're mean. You're nicer to everyone but me. You never do anything nice for me. You need to figure out why you're so mean."
Trip wire #5 was randomly set off as she was on a roll. "You can't make me take medicine. You can't make me go to a counselor. You can't make me do anything." (This belligerent, confrontational rant happened frequently before she started the antidepressant, so the fact that it came back makes me think we need to switch.) Not long after this she headed to her room, where I heard lots of things getting tossed around (I haven't looked yet), so it feels like we've lost whatever headway we had made. I hate hate hate that she feels so out of control again that it manifests physically. I can't imagine how scary it is for her to feel so overwhelmed that the only release is destruction.
But the part that really stumps me in all this is why everything in her mind is a competition with me. If I say I'm tired she blows up about how she was up with the dog two nights in a row and school is so hard, etc. I told her I wasn't saying I was more tired than she was or that she wasn't tired, it was just a statement of fact about how I was feeling. Often she'll tell me she doesn't care how I feel. I've heard that so often I'm immune to it. That is the ultimate defense mechanism for her. I think it comes from the place of "I'm so overwhelmed with my feelings and fears that I cannot absorb anyone else's feelings." Almost any comment I make about myself, my wellbeing, or something I've done somehow threatens her and she goes into full-on defensive (which for TK means aggressive) mode. I've tried to get to get to the core of this one and it still confounds me. It's exhausting. Sometimes it feels like I have to be a ghost of myself to keep her feeling safe. That's not feasible and it's not going to happen, but I can't figure out how to open to door to the road to healing that part of her that feels threatened. And I fundamentally cannot understand where it comes from. Usually I can work my way to a root cause, and then I can at least begin to understand it.
So here I sit, trying to decide if tonight was a bad med reaction, if we need to change it again, if we need to wait it out, or if it's just normal trauma teenager stuff. While I do believe adding the meds was necessary, it does add another variable to consider when assessing behavior changes, mood changes, etc. Right now it feels like there are too many variables - teenagerhood, hormones, meds, trauma......trying to discern which one is behind the tripwires has me stumped.
I can't find the grace in this one yet, Trauma Mamas. I'll let you know when I do.
The antidepressant ride has been akin to the Tower of Terror....you know, the one where you plunge straight down, bounce up, plunge down some more, repeat. That's very much what it's been like in our house the last three weeks. So far TK has tried two different meds, with dose tweaks. The first one yielded results but left TK really fatigued. The second one makes her less tired, but she is all over the map right now. Tonight was a night filled with trip wires.
TK has noticed she's happier when she spends less time on her phone. Since we changed meds she is either really happy or really withdrawn. I reminded TK she was happier when she put her phone down. BANG - Trip wire #1 set off. That lit off the 10 minute argument of how mean I was because I told her she had to do chores, how I never appreciate anything she does, etc. I reminded her I said thank you regularly. BANG - Trip wire #2. She told me thank you is meaningless to her generation. (I should get points for not laughing. It helped that I was royally pissed off.) I explained that thank you meant something to me, so when I said it I meant is as true appreciation. Of course that was met with, "Well it doesn't mean anything to me so you need to say something different."
BANG - Trip wire #3 (and that one was obviously set on a timer, because nothing specific set it off). "Every time I try to do something nice for you you either won't let me or you screw it up." I hear this one a lot, and I have yet to figure out what is behind it. She'll say she offered me water and I said no thanks, I already had some. Ditto a snack or anything. Then she asked me (yelled) "what do you want me to do?" I told her I wanted her to do her (expletive deleted) chores. BANG - Trip wire #4. "You don't know how much I already do around here; you expect me to do everything, etc, etc". That part to me seems like normal teenager stuff. I told her it was simple - no chores, no allowance. That got the usual teenager moans - "You're mean. You're nicer to everyone but me. You never do anything nice for me. You need to figure out why you're so mean."
Trip wire #5 was randomly set off as she was on a roll. "You can't make me take medicine. You can't make me go to a counselor. You can't make me do anything." (This belligerent, confrontational rant happened frequently before she started the antidepressant, so the fact that it came back makes me think we need to switch.) Not long after this she headed to her room, where I heard lots of things getting tossed around (I haven't looked yet), so it feels like we've lost whatever headway we had made. I hate hate hate that she feels so out of control again that it manifests physically. I can't imagine how scary it is for her to feel so overwhelmed that the only release is destruction.
But the part that really stumps me in all this is why everything in her mind is a competition with me. If I say I'm tired she blows up about how she was up with the dog two nights in a row and school is so hard, etc. I told her I wasn't saying I was more tired than she was or that she wasn't tired, it was just a statement of fact about how I was feeling. Often she'll tell me she doesn't care how I feel. I've heard that so often I'm immune to it. That is the ultimate defense mechanism for her. I think it comes from the place of "I'm so overwhelmed with my feelings and fears that I cannot absorb anyone else's feelings." Almost any comment I make about myself, my wellbeing, or something I've done somehow threatens her and she goes into full-on defensive (which for TK means aggressive) mode. I've tried to get to get to the core of this one and it still confounds me. It's exhausting. Sometimes it feels like I have to be a ghost of myself to keep her feeling safe. That's not feasible and it's not going to happen, but I can't figure out how to open to door to the road to healing that part of her that feels threatened. And I fundamentally cannot understand where it comes from. Usually I can work my way to a root cause, and then I can at least begin to understand it.
So here I sit, trying to decide if tonight was a bad med reaction, if we need to change it again, if we need to wait it out, or if it's just normal trauma teenager stuff. While I do believe adding the meds was necessary, it does add another variable to consider when assessing behavior changes, mood changes, etc. Right now it feels like there are too many variables - teenagerhood, hormones, meds, trauma......trying to discern which one is behind the tripwires has me stumped.
I can't find the grace in this one yet, Trauma Mamas. I'll let you know when I do.
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