I have a friend who has 3 kids, and she LOVES summer vacation, counts the days until fall, winter and spring breaks, and is truly sad when her kids go back to school. I sort of envy that. Because I always feel like a bad mom when folks are talking about how excited they are about breaks and all I feel is dread. TK is a ton of fun, has a great sense of humor, and is a good sidekick for shopping. But she is also a tween, so most of my suggestions about what to do get shot down. And she talks - a lot - long, rambling monologues about things in which I feign interest while internally wanting to gouge out my ears and wondering if she can tell my "wow, really?" and "I never knew that" are completely fake.
Of course my friend's kids aren't TKs, and she has a hubby (who works a lot, but still there's someone to tag out with occasionally) and relatives nearby. But still, I feel like I'm missing something. My goal for school breaks is to survive with as little drama as possible. Of course I want to have fun and I try to pack a lot in to keep TK entertained and happy. I know boredom is good for creativity, and it's not my job to entertain her, but TK gets pretty dysregulated when there is no schedule and no school (where her social interaction occurs), so busy tends to keep her from imploding....or at least limits the trauma meltdowns.
This break has been exceptionally tough. We only had one major trauma meltdown, though definitely lots of mini-meltdown moments. TK keeps commenting that I'm grumpy. I admit I don't like the Christmas holidays - they bring to the forefront the fact that we are flying solo. There is an abundance of family togetherness over the holidays, and we're not in that place in our lives. So other than a short visit from Grandmom and two bouts of friend time, it's been just the two of us for 19 days (well, 18 days- day 19 is tomorrow). That is an overabundance of togetherness with limited other people in the picture. We have had moments of hilarity and true joy, but mostly we've soldiered through. That makes me sad, as I want our lives to be so much more than just "getting through".
I'm trying to step back and look at the last 18 days and celebrate the fact that we got through it with only one fairly large trauma moment. Yet I find myself still puzzling and pondering why some folks truly enjoy spending huge periods of time with their kids and I find myself so challenged by that. I wonder if it would be different if TK weren't a trauma kid. Of course such pondering is pointless, but I find myself there nonetheless. Maybe this is just normal when your kids (TK or non) get to be tweens and teens. And, of course, there's the whole trauma thing.......
So I'll search for some grace to get us through our last day of winter break, and grab the grace that comes with the return of structure and regular social interaction ( and adult conversation for me!) on Monday. And I'll ponder and puzzle and likely not gain any huge insights. As always, some things with our TKs (and us) remain unexplained and challenging.
Hang tough, Trauma Mamas. Whether you had a 9 day break or a 19 day break, take a breath and know you have some time before the next one (57 days on this end ---- not that I'm counting......). Grab the grace of knowing no matter how challenging, you survived the break. Maybe you and your TK thrived, maybe you just survived, but you did it! I'll try to grab that grace myself.
