We were hanging out with some of our nearest and dearest on Thanksgiving, and the meal was followed by a no holds barred, rules out the window, laugh til you puke basketball game. TK and I were on separate teams. At one point I (foolishly) guarded her and she tripped over my foot. She wiped out, got up, kicked me in the shin, I apologized that she fell, and the game went on. As we drove home later, TK apologized for kicking me. I truly gave it no further thought.
The next day one of my nearest and dearest called to say there was some concern among our other nearest and dearest who saw TK kick me. I honestly had to think for a minute to remember if she had kicked me. You're probably thinking I totally blew it off and "shouldn't ignore that kind of behavior." But the reality is we have mastered moving past the crud. She apologized, we talked about what she could do differently the next time she felt like kicking me, and it was done. I truly put it behind me. That is a gift I have learned. If I kept all the bad stuff before me I would live with constant anger and annoyance and get stuck. I am so grateful I have learned how to let go.
The phone call was a great reminder to me.....a reminder that I can still provide insight and education into things that I take for granted. So let me enlighten what caused TK's behavior.
TK dearly loves the people that were playing and watching the game. When she tripped, her very black and white trauma thinking kicked into overdrive, knowing with absolute certainty that whomever saw her fall would: - think she was no good at basketball; - think she was clumsy; - think she was stupid; - think she was unlovable. That fear of rejection overwhelmed her and she lashed out.
You wonder how it went from a skinned knee to absolute rejection in under 2 seconds? Me too, but I have accepted that I will never understand why the trauma brain thinks what it thinks, I just accept that it does. I know the physiology and technical explanations, but in truth it makes no sense. It just is.
Luckily TK seldom feels that overwhelmed anymore. It is more likely to happen in high value emotional situations (like that with your "friend family", who could reject you because they chose to take you into their circle, so they can choose to kick you out).
I am so grateful for the gift of those nearest and dearest who were worried enough to reach out and make sure we were okay. While I admit my alarm bells go off at first (because honestly, no matter how much I deny it, I still freak when TK's trauma rears its head in front of others), the love and desire to understand that comes from the people who love us is a precious gift.
Hold on tight to the grace of the people who love you, especially when they love you in spite of the trauma crud. Remember that questions often come from a desire to understand and not from a desire to judge. Grab the grace of hearing your TK apologize when she blows it, and extend the grace of doing the same.
Remember that the "outside" view is one snippet of your long challenge of healing your TK. It a great opportunity to reflect on your progress (go you!) and bring understanding to those who seek it.
Keep on chugging, Trauma Mamas. You might get kicked in the shins sometimes, but that gives you both a chance to seek and grant grace, and practice letting go. Grace and forgiveness - we all need more of both.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
The Gifts of Trauma
I know, seems crazy, doesn't it? How can something as destructive as trauma have gifts? How can something that you declare war on and fight seemingly endless battles with have any benefit?
It took me years to recognize any benefit at all to this Trauma existence. And yes, I would much rather my sweet kid NOT be a TK, but since she is, and I am a Trauma Mama, I have to remind myself to look for the progress, the victories, and the gifts on this journey.
The first gifts are to me. I am ridiculously more patient now than I was before I was a trauma mama. I have truly learned what the small stuff is, and it really is most stuff. When you spend years relearning from the most fundamental level how to parent, you realize that so much of what goes on really is small stuff. What's the big stuff? Safety (physical and emotional), forgiveness (known in our house as do-overs), courage, love. That's what changes things. That's what makes this war winnable.
I am also much more compassionate and less judgmental. See a child having a hairy tantrum for no apparent reason? I've been there, and I empathize with that parent and wonder what trauma that poor scared kid has faced/is facing. Watch an adult freak out for no reason? Okay, so that's a bit harder, but I remember the days where I have used up every iota of my energy dealing with TK and find empathy for them. My 10 year old TK crying and sobbing and generally losing it for no apparent reason? I remember there is always a reason (even if it makes no sense to me), so I try to discern it. I blew it big time (again?) I try to give myself compassion and grace and remember that this trauma mama stuff is exhausting and hard.
I now actively look for the signs of progress and try to remember to celebrate them. This forces me to pay more attention to what's going on in our lives, which makes me more present. The other day I was a crabby, tired, trauma mama (utterly independent of TK's stuff), and TK took it in stride, never once raised her voice or slammed her door. That may not sound like much, but that was huge. TK managed to stay regulated when I WASN'T! Normally it takes me being completely regulated (or faking it) to get her to a place of emotional safety, but she stayed there in spite of my dysregulation.
Trauma has given gifts to TK too. She is so compassionate and truly aches for hurting hearts. When she hears about a challenge another child has, you can see her face change and her heart soften. She is drawn to the outsiders, the misunderstood. As TK says, "I know how it feels to have challenges no one sees and have people not like you because of them." When we see someone acting badly, we will often comment, "I wonder what challenges they're facing that we can't see." It's a great reminder to us both. Viewing the world through the lens of compassion changes you - for the better.
Tk is also incredibly courageous. She moves more and more outside her comfort zone, and for a TK, that is a huge deal. She goes into situations now where she doesn't know anyone (like her first basketball practice), without anyone to "keep her safe" and she deals with it. Walking into that sort of situation would have been untenable 1 year ago. I have the gift of seeing that progress.
The biggest gift of trauma is that it makes me a better person. I have had to dig deep and deal with my own trauma, find strength and courage and patience and compassion and forgiveness beyond any I had called on before. So I have grown as much as TK has.
So yes, trauma is a gift. It's not one you want, and the return policy sucks. But in those moments, scant they may be, that you are not head down/nose to the grindstone of day to day trauma living (some days trauma surviving), look up and see the amazing things your TK has achieved, and the amazing things YOU have achieved. Give yourself the grace of knowing this unwanted gift is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and there are times you will fail, but your courage and love always prevail. Being a trauma mama is hard. But hang tough, trauma mamas. Look at the gifts you have and those you are acquiring and know you are enough for your TK.
It took me years to recognize any benefit at all to this Trauma existence. And yes, I would much rather my sweet kid NOT be a TK, but since she is, and I am a Trauma Mama, I have to remind myself to look for the progress, the victories, and the gifts on this journey.
The first gifts are to me. I am ridiculously more patient now than I was before I was a trauma mama. I have truly learned what the small stuff is, and it really is most stuff. When you spend years relearning from the most fundamental level how to parent, you realize that so much of what goes on really is small stuff. What's the big stuff? Safety (physical and emotional), forgiveness (known in our house as do-overs), courage, love. That's what changes things. That's what makes this war winnable.
I am also much more compassionate and less judgmental. See a child having a hairy tantrum for no apparent reason? I've been there, and I empathize with that parent and wonder what trauma that poor scared kid has faced/is facing. Watch an adult freak out for no reason? Okay, so that's a bit harder, but I remember the days where I have used up every iota of my energy dealing with TK and find empathy for them. My 10 year old TK crying and sobbing and generally losing it for no apparent reason? I remember there is always a reason (even if it makes no sense to me), so I try to discern it. I blew it big time (again?) I try to give myself compassion and grace and remember that this trauma mama stuff is exhausting and hard.
I now actively look for the signs of progress and try to remember to celebrate them. This forces me to pay more attention to what's going on in our lives, which makes me more present. The other day I was a crabby, tired, trauma mama (utterly independent of TK's stuff), and TK took it in stride, never once raised her voice or slammed her door. That may not sound like much, but that was huge. TK managed to stay regulated when I WASN'T! Normally it takes me being completely regulated (or faking it) to get her to a place of emotional safety, but she stayed there in spite of my dysregulation.
Trauma has given gifts to TK too. She is so compassionate and truly aches for hurting hearts. When she hears about a challenge another child has, you can see her face change and her heart soften. She is drawn to the outsiders, the misunderstood. As TK says, "I know how it feels to have challenges no one sees and have people not like you because of them." When we see someone acting badly, we will often comment, "I wonder what challenges they're facing that we can't see." It's a great reminder to us both. Viewing the world through the lens of compassion changes you - for the better.
Tk is also incredibly courageous. She moves more and more outside her comfort zone, and for a TK, that is a huge deal. She goes into situations now where she doesn't know anyone (like her first basketball practice), without anyone to "keep her safe" and she deals with it. Walking into that sort of situation would have been untenable 1 year ago. I have the gift of seeing that progress.
The biggest gift of trauma is that it makes me a better person. I have had to dig deep and deal with my own trauma, find strength and courage and patience and compassion and forgiveness beyond any I had called on before. So I have grown as much as TK has.
So yes, trauma is a gift. It's not one you want, and the return policy sucks. But in those moments, scant they may be, that you are not head down/nose to the grindstone of day to day trauma living (some days trauma surviving), look up and see the amazing things your TK has achieved, and the amazing things YOU have achieved. Give yourself the grace of knowing this unwanted gift is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and there are times you will fail, but your courage and love always prevail. Being a trauma mama is hard. But hang tough, trauma mamas. Look at the gifts you have and those you are acquiring and know you are enough for your TK.
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