I'm not quite sure where this blog entry is headed, but I wanted to write anyway. We seem to be in a weird place - not sure how much is just normal tween stuff and how much is trauma stuff. I think it doesn't really matter, because the end result is the same -a dysregulated Trauma Kid (TK) who feels "not enough."
I may well meander more than normal (which I know is saying something!), so buckle up and read on.
TK has been much more quiet than normal the last two weeks. I pretty much wrote it off to tween hormone stuff. She would come home, talk to me for 5 minutes, head to her room, do her homework (usually while facetiming her friend), and watch some soccer videos on YouTube when homework was done. Then we'd go outside and play some volleyball or study on the trampoline for 30 minutes or so, then she'd hunker back down in her room. I let her.......partly because I was glad for the quiet (honest, as always!) and partly because I figured she just needed that quiet time right now. But mostly I was glad for the quiet. In retrospect, I should have pushed for more connection time...as will be apparent as my story unwinds.
Fast forward to yesterday. TK had a rough day at school. Her teachers and administrators are great, but there is one teacher she just doesn't trust, so she struggles to connect with her. This teacher has called out TK on more than one occasion, usually in front of the whole class. Once she told her she was the reason the class wasn't moving through the information faster, once she told her she was "consistently disrespectful to her classmates", and Friday she told her she was lying and "crying won't work with me, so don't bother". (You all know I don't accept what she says at face value, as I know it gets skewed by her TK's perspective. But her perception is her reality, so I have to deal with that.) Did TK lie? Could well be. When most kids are stressed they resort to a lie to avoid getting into trouble. But when a TK is stressed they can't help but lie. Their brain is in fear mode and rational thinking stops. They feel they have to lie to save their life. Confronting them in that moment just heightens the fear and makes them double down.
Unfortunately I haven't ever met with this teacher and had the chance to explain any of this. I had one email conversation with her at the beginning of the year and it was not a positive experience. Her response was terse and rude and she called out TK the next day in class. So I am struggling with how to proceed.
On top of that, we have some dear friends whose lives have been very busy and we haven't been able to connect much lately. They've had lots of things going on and she hasn't been included, so she's feeling very abandoned and rejected. We've talked about cycles and how sometimes you have more time with your friends and sometimes you have less, but that didn't offset the feeling of rejection. It's nearly impossible to offset that feeling with logic. All of this played into today, though it took me much longer to figure that out than it should have.
TK had decided she wanted to sign up for basketball, mostly to stay in shape for volleyball, which she loves. We got the basketball schedule and the practices START 15 minutes before her bedtime. We talked about her practicing for half the practice and coming home, and she said she'd rather quit. I told her to at least go to the team meeting today and see what they say. She lost it. I, woefully, responded in kind. I told her I had paid over $100 for this and she was at least going to go listen or she could start selling stuff to repay me. It escalated quickly, as anyone with trauma experience would know (you would think. My duh.) I went to my room to calm down and she followed me, screaming and crying. "I'm sorry I don't want to go. I'm going to be horrible and everyone will laugh at me. I don't remember anything. I'm sorry about the money. I'll just go and be horrible and be humiliated. I feel like I'm always disappointing you and making you mad. I don't think you even want me around most of the time. Sometimes it feels like you don't love me." Ouch. I started crying, told her I was sorry she had such a lousy mom, then took a deep breath, turned on my Trauma Mama mode, and tried again. I wrapped my arms around her and I told her I was sorry for fussing at her about it; we'd figure out the money; I'm so proud of her all the time, and it really hurt my heart to hear that she thought I didn't love her sometimes. I must not be doing a very good job if that's how she feels.She reiterated that she felt like she was always disappointing me and I didn't love her.
That's new - the I don't love her thing. That one hurts. But when I had time to really play it out with a trauma filter, I get it. She feels rejected right now, so I must be rejecting her too. It's trauma math - "they rejected me, so I'm not lovable, so you must not love me." "My teacher called me a liar, so I'm a bad person; no one loves a bad person; you don't love me." It makes sense.
We got through it. It was ugly and hard but we did it. (We didn't get past it, though. I think that's going to take a while. I'm still trying to get the full understanding of where her trauma mind is.) She wanted to go see "Trolls", and I told her she could bring a friend. She said she wanted it to be just us. A few times she put her head on my shoulder. Then we went home and had a game night.
So I have to stop being a lazy trauma mama and pull her out of her room and make sure we connect - truly connect - every day. My time of just ignoring the withdrawal and enjoying the silence is over. Because letting her withdraw is, in itself, a rejection. Not enforcing togetherness is telling her I'm disappointed in her or mad at her and thus don't want to be with her.
It amazes me (not in a good way) how trauma keeps morphing and challenging me. It's like a shape-shifting monster; once you figure out how to wound it it morphs into something new and you need a new approach to take it down. Luckily the weapons are always the same.....love, understanding, and a boatload of patience!
I'm searching for grace in this one. I think I'll claim it in the head on my shoulder, in TK feeling safe enough to tell me how she feels. It has been a while since I felt so inept and insufficient at trauma mama-ing. Time to regroup and move forward.
Give yourselves some grace when trauma evolves, Trauma Mamas. Mourn the fact that the beast you had at least partly slain has re-emerged, perhaps not stronger, but no less challenging. Pull out your love and patience, Trauma Mamas, and go forth again into battle with the beast. You will prevail.
