Well, maybe not the first one so much, but definitely the last two.....
Over the last two weeks, I've had a few people - some who know Trauma Kid (TK) well, some who don't - tell me she seems anxious, short-tempered, hateful, rude, needy. The bothersome part of this is that I'm a bit surprised by it, so I've been mulling on that tonight. Have I become so inured to trauma behavior that it doesn't impact me anymore? I don't think so. I think, however, my expectations adjust in the summer. And the reality is I see the behaviors that get those labels differently, and I forget that not everyone else does. We are blessed with friends who have become our family, and I forget that they have not been on this journey with us long enough to fully recognize or interpret trauma behaviors. I forget that because they are so accepting of us, and I fail to realize they are surprised by trauma behaviors. Others have commented on TK's "antsiness", etc. I consider all those inputs, feel like a failure for a time, get defensive, then simmer down and realize there is yet another opportunity for education, and a chance for me to examine my own perceptions about what is "normal" (within the scope of trauma) and adjust if needed.
Summer is notoriously difficult for trauma kids. The lack of structure/predictability/bounded social interaction leaves them adrift, needing something they can't pinpoint, knowing they are "without", yet not knowing how to fill that emptiness. As a trauma mama, I can tell you that emptiness is filled largely by us. There is a clinginess and neediness in TK that I haven't seen in a while, which is at war with the tween need for alone time and independence. I see that struggle play out daily, and it is exhausting.
So what is it that people are seeing that brings to mind terms like the ones above? And, far more importantly, what is driving the behaviors they are seeing? If you've been following my blog for a time, you already know the answer to that second question - fear. But fear of what?
Some of it is that our new "family" is just that - new. TK doesn't know how to operate in those auspices. Our family has pretty much always just been the two of us, so having lots of other people means the scarcity mentality kicks in. If you love them/pay attention to them, there is less for me. I see that often driving behaviors that others deem bratty or rude. And yes, those behaviors are exactly that - bratty and rude. Yet I recognize they come from a place of fear of rejection, so I am more accepting of them. I admit at times I am probably TOO accepting of them, choosing not to correct them in that moment, but discuss them later when we can collectively be calm and regulated. And sometimes I decide it was a temporary reaction that settled quickly and I don't address it at all. Should I? Maybe. But I live in the "we have come so far from where we were when every day was a nightmare" that I look through the lens of gratitude that we're not still there, when I probably should look through the lens of what growth still needs to occur.
This is a challenge for me. I promised when I started the blog I would lay out the truth - ugly or not. So here is the ugly truth. I get my feelings hurt (ridiculously, out of proportion hurt) and panic when people comment negatively on TK. I immediately go into my own trauma space and deem my mothering skills a failure, certain everyone is listing my shortcomings. That's my own trauma junk and has nothing to do with TK's, but it has everything to do with it at the same time. I tend to withdraw, hunker down, and hide us until I feel like we have the latest trauma episode under control, because I don't want to subject her (and really, me) to that criticism/judgment (even though my rational brain knows it's more concern than criticism). Interestingly (perversely?), this is when TK wants to go full out into the world. I, envisioning the trauma equivalent of Godzilla smashing Tokyo, do my best to control that desire.
I know that isn't the right way to do it, because as my dear friend reminds me, "it takes a village and now you and TK have one." But in my head we really don't have a village/I don't fully trust the village - or how I interact in the village. Because all our previous villages tarred and feathered us when the going got tough. Because at the end of the day, it's TK and me. I'm the one who "gets it"; I'm the "safe place"; I'm the one who is the shield and protector. I'm the one who has poured the prayers and endless tears and energy into this healing, and I am so proud of how far we've come. But it is very easy for me to fall back into fear, just as it is for TK. For me the fear is also of rejection, but it more overwhelmingly the fear of going backward. When those who haven't been on this whole journey with us see us go backward, they panic. And depending where I am in my own trauma headspace, sometimes I jump on the panic train. I shouldn't care if we got backward, because the truth is we do go backward sometimes.....trauma healing is not linear. In spite of that, when I step back and look at the whole journey, there has been tremendous growth and healing.
On a total sidebar - TK is going to visit my mom for a while.....without me! This was her idea and she is excited, but increasingly nervous as the date gets nearer. Just her willingness to contemplate this is a tremendous step - and not something that would have occurred even 6 months ago. I suspect there will only be a few days before she asks me to join her, but that's okay. Her feeling confident/safe enough in her own ability to regulate without me nearby (because I'll be a 10 hour car drive away) is HUGE.
So I'll give myself the grace of being proud of TK for her willingness to challenge herself. I'll also try to give myself grace for not being brave enough to totally trust our village, knowing there will be many more opportunities to grow that trust as we continue on our trauma journey.
Give yourselves grace when you need to hunker. Remember you're on the trauma journey too, so be gentle with yourselves, Trauma Mamas. Progress isn't a straight line. Accept (or try to) the concerns of those who support you for just that - concerns, a need to learn more, a desire to understand, and don't paint it as criticism or judgment (yep, I'm talking to myself here too). You are amazing, Trauma Mamas. Hold onto that when the fear comes creeping in. Love wins. Love. Wins.
