I thought it was time to put together a trauma speak translation guide, as well as some responses that have been utterly wrong and some that have worked. I know every TK is different, but hopefully you'll find some things in here that will help on your journey.
Traumaspeak: "I hate you/that/them!"
Translation: I am uncomfortable/nervous around that person/place/thing and need you to reassure me that I am safe. I do NOT need you to say, "You don't really mean that."
What's worked for us: Acknowledging the fear by saying something like, "That is very loud/unpredictable/different." Then just listen.
Traumaspeak: "You are scaring me right now!"
Translation: You are completely dysregulated and cannot help me with my own dysregulation. If you don't get it together we are doomed. It's your job to be calm and help me, and when you get out of control I am scared that my world is falling apart.
What's worked for us: Me taking a deep breath and stopping my own meltdown (easier said that done sometimes, as regular readers of my blog know).
Traumaspeak: "I am so stupid/worthless/horrible/bad."
Translation: I am afraid you won't love me if I'm not perfect. When I make a mistake it invalidates my worth.
What's worked for us: Reminding TK that making mistakes/bad choices does not mean one is bad/stupid/etc....and being REALLY careful with my word choices when I goof up. I have to model saying things like, "Wow, I really goofed that up" as opposed to "I am so stupid for doing that. I should know better." I even have to watch when one of our pets does something annoying. If I say "stupid cat", that message still gets through to TK. Change from "I'm dumb" to "That was dumb", then add the caveat (yes, out loud so TK hears) "but everyone makes mistakes and it's okay. I'll do better next time." I also throw out examples of my own foibles and own up to/apologize for me transgressions against her.
Traumaspeak: "I don't want to go to school/church/practice."
Translation: Something in that environment is uncomfortable. (Often it's a social interaction gone awry the day before.) I'm afraid that the people there don't like me anymore. I'm afraid I might lose my cool because I'm scared that they all hate me.
What's worked for us: I don't have a good entry here. I try to just listen and say nothing. When I'm not sure what to do, that's my default answer......just hang out next to her and give her the space to feel whatever she's feeling and know I'm in it with her.
Traumaspeak: "Everybody hates me."
Translation: I did something because I was dysregulated and I'm afraid people are judging me and won't forgive me. If I make a mistake people won't like me anymore.
What's worked for us: Casually mentioning times we've forgiven each other/she's forgiven friends/they've forgiven her.
One note: All of the "what worked for us" require appropriate timing. You can't get to that part until you get past the emotion (i.e., fear) that is controlling your TK in that moment. The best way to to do that is to be in it with them. Validate how they feel...and unless you want an epic meltdown, NEVER say " You don't really feel that way/think that." Because at that moment they do. You can't rationalize away emotion. Just recognize it and hang on for the ride that goes with it. The more you can do that, the more quickly it gets resolved in the future. Love means being in that dark, ugly, scary place with them. Love means holding the candle in that place for as long as it takes. Love means NOT trying to drag your TK out of there, but sitting there with them. Love means knowing you WILL walk out of there, together, but YOU cannot decide when.
So stock up on patience, candles for those dark and scary places, and courage. You'll need all of them.
Sending you grace for this journey. It is at times overwhelmingly hard and incredibly lonely, and your candle will seem woefully inadequate sometimes, but love lights the darkness. Know you are not alone.....I know that is slim consolation when you are in the trenches, but when you come up for air, reach out and I'll be there to re-light your candle for you.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Finding grace in the aftermath
After last night's debacle, I figured today would be a disaster. TK, unsurprisingly, had a rough night....multiple nightmares, ending up in my bed about 3 AM. We were up at the crack of dawn to get Grandmom to the airport. We got her there, dropped her off, and as we pulled away TK started crying. I knew this wasn't the "I miss Grandmom" tears, so I decided to throw caution to the winds. Yep, I did it....I asked what was wrong. This is always a dicey move; more times than not it ends up lighting the fuse of the meltdown. But today, surprisingly, blessedly, it didn't. She just said she had a really bad headache and was exhausted. (Knowing she was running on about 4 hours of sleep, I wasn't surprised.) I told her we'd go home and she could sleep and we'd go to school later.
As we pulled in the garage, TK says, "Mommy, I'm really sorry about last night." I said, "Me, too, Baby. I was in tears because I was so upset about saying what I said." My amazing, merciful daughter said, "It's okay, Mommy, we all mess up sometimes....even grown-ups."
That was a moment I could see all the tears, prayers, and work paying off. After the intense dysregulation of last night, TK found forgiveness and the ability and willingness to let it go. That is huge. In the past, the fallout from this would have lasted for days, and TK would have thrown what happened back in my face multiple times. But none of that happened. She truly let it go. I have never seen that happen before.
And yes, I proudly take credit for that. I endeavor to model forgiveness and mercy, to implement it in our "re-dos", and to truly let things go when they are over. That has been a journey for me, and i am blessed that she brought that skill to me.
Of all the places I thought I might garner some grace today, I didn't expect to get it from the 9 year old that God gave to me. It reminded me that this journey is worth every tear, and that the love in our hearts is conquering the fear in our heads.
Grace pops up where you don't expect it sometimes. It is always a gift; embrace it when it comes your way. Believe it will come. Have faith in the grace and the love, Trauma Mamas. They will change your life.
As we pulled in the garage, TK says, "Mommy, I'm really sorry about last night." I said, "Me, too, Baby. I was in tears because I was so upset about saying what I said." My amazing, merciful daughter said, "It's okay, Mommy, we all mess up sometimes....even grown-ups."
That was a moment I could see all the tears, prayers, and work paying off. After the intense dysregulation of last night, TK found forgiveness and the ability and willingness to let it go. That is huge. In the past, the fallout from this would have lasted for days, and TK would have thrown what happened back in my face multiple times. But none of that happened. She truly let it go. I have never seen that happen before.
And yes, I proudly take credit for that. I endeavor to model forgiveness and mercy, to implement it in our "re-dos", and to truly let things go when they are over. That has been a journey for me, and i am blessed that she brought that skill to me.
Of all the places I thought I might garner some grace today, I didn't expect to get it from the 9 year old that God gave to me. It reminded me that this journey is worth every tear, and that the love in our hearts is conquering the fear in our heads.
Grace pops up where you don't expect it sometimes. It is always a gift; embrace it when it comes your way. Believe it will come. Have faith in the grace and the love, Trauma Mamas. They will change your life.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Looking for Grace
Tonight it all went horribly wrong. Things went off the cliff so rapidly and without warning, and the worst part is I was driving the bus. Yep, I'm the one who took us over the cliff, and I'm honestly not even sure what happened. One minute things were tense but okay and seemingly the next she was screaming at me and I was threatening to smack her, yelling, "GO TO BED RIGHT NOW", as she backed up yelling she was scared of me. It kills me to write this blog, but I want you to understand how even those of us who are "somewhat skilled" in this trauma thing sometimes utterly blow it.
So what happened, you ask? I'll try to recount, but I'm not sure I can tell you what exactly lit my switch.
It has been a long weekend. TK had gymnastics and a birthday party yesterday (with one friend and 4 strangers. Let me pause for a moment and say how amazing it is that she wanted to stay and had a good time in this unknown dynamic.) My mom is visiting and she fell and busted and cut open her nose, so she and I were at the ER and TK went home with the birthday girl (another unknown as it was totally unplanned and TK had never spent time with her friend's mom or been to their house) while I got Grandmom patched up. Today we delivered girl scout cookies, found out a neighbor was critically ill, and had a meeting that ran long and messed up our pre-bedtime routine and ended up pushing bedtime back 40 minutes.
Yeah, in retrospect, that's a LOT, and it's no surprise she was toast and ready to blow at the late bedtime tonight. So here's the scene...post shower, already bedtime, and TK needs to brush her hair (which hadn't been brushed in 3 days, so it was a rat's nest). 30 minutes later, she is sort of brushing, but mostly watching TV. I told her she had two more minutes and she told me she wasn't going to bed until her hair was done. I told her to think again. Commence screaming on her part, my turning off the TV, more screaming, and the aforementioned mom meltdown. All, of course, witnessed by Grandmom, because it's SO much better to have an audience when you totally blow it.
TK went to bed, I read to her, she cried herself to sleep, then I cried. I crawled in behind my sweet sleeping baby, held her and whispered in her ear that I was sorry and loved her.
I haven't blown it that badly in a long time. I'm having a hard time finding the grace to forgive myself for threatening to smack her. That is the thing that makes my heart the heaviest. I have spent so much time eliminating fear, so using a threat is totally against everything I have worked for. I fear that will set us back weeks in our journey of healing.
Tomorrow is a new day, but I fear it will be a tough one. We are taking my mom to the airport very early (before school), so I have to get TK up and moving earlier than normal, and it's a huge disruption to the morning routine. She will still be emotionally ringing from tonight's ordeal, and I will still be awash in guilt and regret.
Send us some grace. We could use it. I promise to send you some when you blow it. Hopefully you'll learn from my "blow it" moments and avoid a few of your own.
Even when you blow it, Trauma Mamas, you are still amazing. This journey sometimes beats you up and spits you out, but keep hanging tough. The good times outweigh the bad times...it's just that the bad times are so much harder to forget.
So what happened, you ask? I'll try to recount, but I'm not sure I can tell you what exactly lit my switch.
It has been a long weekend. TK had gymnastics and a birthday party yesterday (with one friend and 4 strangers. Let me pause for a moment and say how amazing it is that she wanted to stay and had a good time in this unknown dynamic.) My mom is visiting and she fell and busted and cut open her nose, so she and I were at the ER and TK went home with the birthday girl (another unknown as it was totally unplanned and TK had never spent time with her friend's mom or been to their house) while I got Grandmom patched up. Today we delivered girl scout cookies, found out a neighbor was critically ill, and had a meeting that ran long and messed up our pre-bedtime routine and ended up pushing bedtime back 40 minutes.
Yeah, in retrospect, that's a LOT, and it's no surprise she was toast and ready to blow at the late bedtime tonight. So here's the scene...post shower, already bedtime, and TK needs to brush her hair (which hadn't been brushed in 3 days, so it was a rat's nest). 30 minutes later, she is sort of brushing, but mostly watching TV. I told her she had two more minutes and she told me she wasn't going to bed until her hair was done. I told her to think again. Commence screaming on her part, my turning off the TV, more screaming, and the aforementioned mom meltdown. All, of course, witnessed by Grandmom, because it's SO much better to have an audience when you totally blow it.
TK went to bed, I read to her, she cried herself to sleep, then I cried. I crawled in behind my sweet sleeping baby, held her and whispered in her ear that I was sorry and loved her.
I haven't blown it that badly in a long time. I'm having a hard time finding the grace to forgive myself for threatening to smack her. That is the thing that makes my heart the heaviest. I have spent so much time eliminating fear, so using a threat is totally against everything I have worked for. I fear that will set us back weeks in our journey of healing.
Tomorrow is a new day, but I fear it will be a tough one. We are taking my mom to the airport very early (before school), so I have to get TK up and moving earlier than normal, and it's a huge disruption to the morning routine. She will still be emotionally ringing from tonight's ordeal, and I will still be awash in guilt and regret.
Send us some grace. We could use it. I promise to send you some when you blow it. Hopefully you'll learn from my "blow it" moments and avoid a few of your own.
Even when you blow it, Trauma Mamas, you are still amazing. This journey sometimes beats you up and spits you out, but keep hanging tough. The good times outweigh the bad times...it's just that the bad times are so much harder to forget.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Done......are we ever?
This week some fairly staunch supporters of TK succumbed to the seeming never-endingness of this journey. They decided the progress she's showing is not a sufficient response to the effort they are putting in, so they are done......not completely done, but significantly less invested.
That made me wonder how many times I have declared myself done. Surely more than 100 but probably less than 1000 (or maybe not). I have declared it to myself, to the Lord above, and sometimes, regrettably, to TK. I hope she knows I will never be done, that my love for her exceeds my fatigue and weariness, but I sometimes succumb to those in the moment and declare myself done.
There are days I wonder if I will ever be "done". Will this ever be gone? Will the effects of trauma ever stop hauting her to the point where it no longer runs part of her life? How much longer until I am done with this incredibly long, unpredictable, challenging journey and we get to spend all our time in the relatively smooth sailing (in comparison) of non-trauma existence? After 8-1/2 years, why aren't we done....surely by now we should be!
The answer is I have no idea. We have made huge strides, and TK is very much less impacted by her trauma past than she was. When I forget that I just have to stop and observe. The other night we were at a friend's house for a Super Bowl dinner and at one point she disappeared. She quietly went to another room and sat there in the quiet by herself for a few minutes until she was regulated and came back to join us. In retrospect, this is HUGE! She didn't have an outburst, didn't require my presence to help her regulate, and she recognized what she needed to do and did it. When I stop and really think about what that means, I know there is hope that we may one day be "done", But if we're not, that's okay too. I'm here for the whole journey - wherever it leads, however bumpy it may be, even when I want to be done.....ESPECIALLY when I want to be done.
It saddens me when other people in her life decide they are done, but I get it. It IS exhausting, and sometimes you don't see the result of all the effort for a long time, if ever. The trauma mama in me is furious, of course.......you can't be done. Being done tells her she's not worth it. Being done is rejection. She's worth you not being done. She's worth you staying the course and investing 100% and not giving up, even when you want to be done.
Love is never done.
Give yourselves some extra grace in those moments when you declare yourself done....and even more when you take that deep breath and venture back into the fray, knowing you aren't.
That made me wonder how many times I have declared myself done. Surely more than 100 but probably less than 1000 (or maybe not). I have declared it to myself, to the Lord above, and sometimes, regrettably, to TK. I hope she knows I will never be done, that my love for her exceeds my fatigue and weariness, but I sometimes succumb to those in the moment and declare myself done.
There are days I wonder if I will ever be "done". Will this ever be gone? Will the effects of trauma ever stop hauting her to the point where it no longer runs part of her life? How much longer until I am done with this incredibly long, unpredictable, challenging journey and we get to spend all our time in the relatively smooth sailing (in comparison) of non-trauma existence? After 8-1/2 years, why aren't we done....surely by now we should be!
The answer is I have no idea. We have made huge strides, and TK is very much less impacted by her trauma past than she was. When I forget that I just have to stop and observe. The other night we were at a friend's house for a Super Bowl dinner and at one point she disappeared. She quietly went to another room and sat there in the quiet by herself for a few minutes until she was regulated and came back to join us. In retrospect, this is HUGE! She didn't have an outburst, didn't require my presence to help her regulate, and she recognized what she needed to do and did it. When I stop and really think about what that means, I know there is hope that we may one day be "done", But if we're not, that's okay too. I'm here for the whole journey - wherever it leads, however bumpy it may be, even when I want to be done.....ESPECIALLY when I want to be done.
It saddens me when other people in her life decide they are done, but I get it. It IS exhausting, and sometimes you don't see the result of all the effort for a long time, if ever. The trauma mama in me is furious, of course.......you can't be done. Being done tells her she's not worth it. Being done is rejection. She's worth you not being done. She's worth you staying the course and investing 100% and not giving up, even when you want to be done.
Love is never done.
Give yourselves some extra grace in those moments when you declare yourself done....and even more when you take that deep breath and venture back into the fray, knowing you aren't.
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