Looking for Grace

Tonight it all went horribly wrong.  Things went off the cliff so rapidly and without warning, and the worst part is I was driving the bus.  Yep, I'm the one who took us over the cliff, and I'm honestly not even sure what happened. One minute things were tense but okay and seemingly the next she was screaming at me and I was threatening to smack her, yelling, "GO TO BED RIGHT NOW", as she backed up yelling she was scared of me.  It kills me to write this blog, but I want you to understand how even those of us who are "somewhat skilled" in this trauma thing sometimes utterly blow it.  

So what happened, you ask?  I'll try to recount, but I'm not sure I can tell you what exactly lit my switch.  

It has been a long weekend.  TK had gymnastics and a birthday party yesterday (with one friend and 4 strangers.  Let me pause for a moment and say how amazing it is that she wanted to stay and had a good time in this unknown dynamic.) My mom is visiting and she fell and busted and cut open her nose, so she and I were at the ER and TK went home with the birthday girl (another unknown as it was totally unplanned and TK had never spent time with her friend's mom or been to their house) while I got Grandmom patched up.  Today we delivered girl scout cookies, found out a neighbor was critically ill, and had a meeting that ran long and messed up our pre-bedtime routine and ended up pushing bedtime back 40 minutes.  

Yeah, in retrospect, that's a LOT, and it's no surprise she was toast and ready to blow at the late bedtime tonight.  So here's the scene...post shower, already bedtime, and TK needs to brush her hair (which hadn't been brushed in 3 days, so it was a rat's nest).  30 minutes later, she is sort of brushing, but mostly watching TV. I told her she had two more minutes and she told me she wasn't going to bed until her hair was done.  I told her to think again. Commence screaming on her part, my turning off the TV, more screaming, and the aforementioned mom meltdown.  All, of course, witnessed by Grandmom, because it's SO much better to have an audience when you totally blow it.

TK went to bed, I read to her, she cried herself to sleep, then I cried.  I crawled in behind my sweet sleeping baby, held her and whispered in her ear that I  was sorry and loved her.  

I haven't blown it that badly in a long time. I'm having a hard time finding the grace to forgive myself for threatening to smack her. That is the thing that makes my heart the heaviest.  I have spent so much time eliminating fear, so using a threat is totally against everything I have worked for.  I fear that will set us back weeks in our journey of healing. 

Tomorrow is a new day, but I fear it will be a tough one. We are taking my mom to the airport very early (before school), so I have to get TK up and moving earlier than normal, and it's a huge disruption to the morning routine. She will still be emotionally ringing from tonight's ordeal, and I will still be awash in guilt and regret.  

Send us some grace.  We could use it.  I promise to send you some when you blow it.  Hopefully you'll learn from my "blow it" moments and avoid a few of your own.  

Even when you blow it, Trauma Mamas, you are still amazing. This journey sometimes beats you up and spits you out, but keep hanging tough.  The good times outweigh the bad times...it's just that the bad times are so much harder to forget.