To quote Bob Dylan, the times, they are a-changin'. This post scares me, because the fallout from the last one was quite extreme. But I've had enough people ask me to keep posting that I am going forward with it. My trepidation is not for me, because I can take it, but the fallout from the last post landed squarely on TK's head, and it nearly wrecked us. Let me backtrack.
Some folks at the school took umbrage at my last post. This resulted in the powers that be telling me effective immediately I could no longer walk TK to class and couldn't go in her classroom. I'd say you can imagine what this did to TK, except I don't think you can, so let me tell you.
This edict freaked her out to a point I have not seen in a long time. She was so scared (as much by the arbitrary decision as the actual fact that I couldn't walk her to class) that she was throwing up, refused to be more than 2 steps from me, and had nightmares (while she was in my bed, because she was way too scared to sleep in her own). She was terrified, and absolutely certain that she wasn't safe at school anymore. Given things that were said to me that I won't write down, (suffice to say they alarmed me) I had to agree with her. The complete lack of understanding of TKs, 5 years into this at this particular school, was heart-breaking. I absolutely know there are those at her (old) school who get it (mostly) and are always trying to do the right thing, but my faith in the school was shattered by the administrator who changed the rules with no reason and no regard for the impact on TK.
After a few days of walking her to her door (but not into her room), I could no longer watch TK devolve into a state of perpetual fear. So I yanked her from school and did the mad scramble to figure out what on earth we were going to do.
After lots of praying (and lots of tears) we found a small Montessori school that seems to fit her well. I am allowing her to set her transition pace, and so far it has gone pretty smoothly. She is much calmer when she's home, and on the first day she told me she felt "cozy and safe". And there's NO HOMEWORK!! (I'm not sure which one of us was about to fall down and yell Hallelujah first, but I'm betting it was me).
The interesting twist to this story is my meeting with the superintendent's office. It was a promising meeting, with great interest shown in learning more about trauma kids and how to help them. So while TK won't be there to get the benefits, maybe, just maybe, we're paving the way for future TKs to have it a little easier.
Be brave, Trauma Mamas. This fight is sometimes scary, and often overwhelming, and mostly we all feel we're making it up as we go, but it is always worth it.
I'm extending grace to all who are trying to make it a better world for our TKs. Hang on tight, Trauma Mamas......and hold your TKs even tighter.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Reposted - DEC 3, 2014 - the post that changed everything
Yesterday
was a transition day - first day back after break. Transition days are
exceedingly challenging for TKs, so last night TK was tired and out of whack
and couldn't face doing homework. She turned into "Lucky" the young
puppy, so I cuddled her, we read baby books, and all was fine.......until this
AM, when she freaked because she knew she'd get in trouble for not having her
homework done. She did try to get some of it done this AM, but it was substantial
and she couldn't make much of a dent. I had emailed her teachers and IEP
coordinator to tell them we had a homework fail last night. When we got
to school I told her teacher that TK tried to get some done before
school. The teacher commented, "There's no way she can do it all
last minute. Well, there have to be consequences." I truly believe
this is a misguided attempt to help, thinking "tough love" is the way
to go. But for a trauma kid, tough love equals rejection. So now TK feels
rejected and no longer sees her teacher as a "safe" person.
Another well intentioned but woefully misguided IEP team member stopped me to tell me she is going to write a script for me to use at home every time TK gets upset, because it works so well with autistic kids. I almost laughed, but I was trying too hard not to cry. Rational/detached script reading is about as counterproductive as you can get with a trauma kid. Failing to "get in the moment" is the kiss of death when your TK is overwhelmed/in meltdown mode. Staying aloof and "rational" and reading some script ad nauseum may result in the cessation of the behavior, but it will be because your TK gives up, not because they're okay.
But the reality is the school system tries to force fit our trauma kids into categories that are defined and have set ways to deal with them......we do A for children with autism, we do B for children with ADD/ADHD. But there is no defined way to deal with TKs. There are things that work and, more importantly, things that DON'T work, but the lack of a prescribed approach that folks can memorize and apply means this battle will be ongoing. It's a battle worth fighting - the battle to get trauma recognized, to get our TKs understood, dealt with with compassion and not judgment. And the people we're battling aren't against us, they just need education (and sadly in some cases, willingness) to fully understand the scope of trauma, the impact on our kids, and how we help them heal.
Days like this wreck me. It feels very much like it's two steps forward, nineteen steps backward. It crushes me to hear people who I thought understand it go so incredibly awry. I know the intention is good, but I still wonder where I went wrong, what I didn't explain correctly.....but then I remember - you can't really "get it" until you're "in it".
So I'm trying to extend grace to those who go awry, because they ARE trying. They don't live it every day, so I undoubtedly put impossible expectations on them when it comes to what TK needs. But I'm also extending myself grace when I hurt others' feelings as I continue to fight for what TK needs, because inevitably there will be some hurt feelings along the way. I apologize for those, but I will never apologize for continuing to fight to make TK's life as sweet, stress free, and regulated as possible. She is worth the battle. Your TK is too.
Wishing you sufficient grace for whatever battle you face.
Another well intentioned but woefully misguided IEP team member stopped me to tell me she is going to write a script for me to use at home every time TK gets upset, because it works so well with autistic kids. I almost laughed, but I was trying too hard not to cry. Rational/detached script reading is about as counterproductive as you can get with a trauma kid. Failing to "get in the moment" is the kiss of death when your TK is overwhelmed/in meltdown mode. Staying aloof and "rational" and reading some script ad nauseum may result in the cessation of the behavior, but it will be because your TK gives up, not because they're okay.
But the reality is the school system tries to force fit our trauma kids into categories that are defined and have set ways to deal with them......we do A for children with autism, we do B for children with ADD/ADHD. But there is no defined way to deal with TKs. There are things that work and, more importantly, things that DON'T work, but the lack of a prescribed approach that folks can memorize and apply means this battle will be ongoing. It's a battle worth fighting - the battle to get trauma recognized, to get our TKs understood, dealt with with compassion and not judgment. And the people we're battling aren't against us, they just need education (and sadly in some cases, willingness) to fully understand the scope of trauma, the impact on our kids, and how we help them heal.
Days like this wreck me. It feels very much like it's two steps forward, nineteen steps backward. It crushes me to hear people who I thought understand it go so incredibly awry. I know the intention is good, but I still wonder where I went wrong, what I didn't explain correctly.....but then I remember - you can't really "get it" until you're "in it".
So I'm trying to extend grace to those who go awry, because they ARE trying. They don't live it every day, so I undoubtedly put impossible expectations on them when it comes to what TK needs. But I'm also extending myself grace when I hurt others' feelings as I continue to fight for what TK needs, because inevitably there will be some hurt feelings along the way. I apologize for those, but I will never apologize for continuing to fight to make TK's life as sweet, stress free, and regulated as possible. She is worth the battle. Your TK is too.
Wishing you sufficient grace for whatever battle you face.
Reposted - Nov 20, 2014 90 DAYS OFF....OH WAIT, IT WAS ONLY 9
Those of you who have read previous entries probably remember me
saying I was jealous of folks who liked school breaks because I was not one of
them. For those of you who didn't read that entry, let me explain - I DO NOT
LIKE SCHOOL BREAKS!
We survived the 9 days of Thanksgiving "vacation" (excuse me while I laugh hysterically). So it was only 5 days off from school, but flanked by two weekends that equals 9 days of utterly dysregulated TK. While she likes spontaneity, she needs the structure, the (relatively) controlled time with peers, the interaction with other adults who can help her stay regulated, and the predictability that school brings. Not having that makes her incredibly dysregulated. The good news it isn't the meltdown/throwing things dysregulation (well mostly it isn't.....there are moments). It is the "I need you right next to me constantly because I don't feel safe that I can self-regulate" dysregulation. In some ways that is even worse than the meltdown/throwing things. At least those are over and done with. This velcro-itis is all consuming. During a regular school week TK will spend some time alone in her room or upstairs on the swing, the bar, outside on the trampoline (self regulation for her requires movement), but when the structure/predictability is gone, she will not go to any of those unless I go with her.
With the exception of a playdate here and Thanksgiving evening at a friend's house, it was truly Mom/TK time every waking moment. We had some great fun days and it was honestly relatively smooth sailing (well, until tonight...more on that later), but I am emotionally and physically EXHAUSTED. Part of if is the challenge of her sadness at not being with family at Thanksgiving. We are from the Washington, DC area, where almost everyone was from somewhere else and family was the group of friends you cobbled together. Here it is so much the "umpteenth generation" mindset, and family is blood relatives only. It is very exclusionary (don't even know if that's a word but I'm too tired to care, and exclusive wasn't the right fit).
I poured myself into making the last 9 days as fun as possible, packing in activities and trips in the local area to keep her busy and save myself from yet another dreaded round of "Mom, you pretend to be my best friend and we'll play sleepover." Things went pretty well until today. One night I even got the "thanks for making this such a great day" comment!
I had a hint that things were going downhill this morning as we were getting ready to go to the library. I walk into TK's room and all of her clothes are on the floor, dresser drawers are all open, and she is furious. "I have nothing to wear! Why don't you do the stupid laundry? I hate these new pants - they're size XL and only fat people wear XL!" (Gee dear, you have no clean clothes because I haven't had three seconds to breathe, much less do laundry, and your pants are size XL because you are 4'11" and 85 pounds. No, I didn't say this out loud.....but I really really wanted to!)
The downhill slope steepened in the bedtime warmup - bath, hair brushing, etc. I should have remembered that the transition day from break to school is rough, but I think I shove some of those hard times far back in my brain and honestly forget about them until they rear their ugly head again. Sadly for both of us, after 9 days of incessant togetherness, I did not have it in me to be in the place of compassion I needed to be in to nip it before it grew. No major blowouts, but a child sobbing in her bed (for absolutely no reason except being tired and transition - which is reason enough, but didn't feel like it to me at the time), me muttering as I stomped around trying to get in the right emotional space to go pat her to sleep. Luckily, God always grants me enough grace to settle myself enough to pat her and tell her I love her and say it in a truly loving way.
Tomorrow morning will probably be ugly. And I will probably be incredibly annoyed by that. I should warn her teachers but not sure how the day will go - she could settle right back into the routine and sail through, or she could have a disaster of a day. I honestly have no guess as to which way it will go. But I will seek the grace to get through that tomorrow. Right now I'm glad she is sleeping, that tomorrow I get to breathe a little, and that we found the grace to get through this break with minimal meltdowns.
As to the grace I will require in 3 short weeks when they are off for 20+ days? That will require a miracle...but hopefully I'll have the grace in the meantime not to hyperventilate just thinking about it.
Give yourselves grace for surviving a holiday. Heaven knows they are tough for our TKs, and thus tough for us. And stockpile some grace for the upcoming month -- and if you have any extra be sure to send it my way!
We survived the 9 days of Thanksgiving "vacation" (excuse me while I laugh hysterically). So it was only 5 days off from school, but flanked by two weekends that equals 9 days of utterly dysregulated TK. While she likes spontaneity, she needs the structure, the (relatively) controlled time with peers, the interaction with other adults who can help her stay regulated, and the predictability that school brings. Not having that makes her incredibly dysregulated. The good news it isn't the meltdown/throwing things dysregulation (well mostly it isn't.....there are moments). It is the "I need you right next to me constantly because I don't feel safe that I can self-regulate" dysregulation. In some ways that is even worse than the meltdown/throwing things. At least those are over and done with. This velcro-itis is all consuming. During a regular school week TK will spend some time alone in her room or upstairs on the swing, the bar, outside on the trampoline (self regulation for her requires movement), but when the structure/predictability is gone, she will not go to any of those unless I go with her.
With the exception of a playdate here and Thanksgiving evening at a friend's house, it was truly Mom/TK time every waking moment. We had some great fun days and it was honestly relatively smooth sailing (well, until tonight...more on that later), but I am emotionally and physically EXHAUSTED. Part of if is the challenge of her sadness at not being with family at Thanksgiving. We are from the Washington, DC area, where almost everyone was from somewhere else and family was the group of friends you cobbled together. Here it is so much the "umpteenth generation" mindset, and family is blood relatives only. It is very exclusionary (don't even know if that's a word but I'm too tired to care, and exclusive wasn't the right fit).
I poured myself into making the last 9 days as fun as possible, packing in activities and trips in the local area to keep her busy and save myself from yet another dreaded round of "Mom, you pretend to be my best friend and we'll play sleepover." Things went pretty well until today. One night I even got the "thanks for making this such a great day" comment!
I had a hint that things were going downhill this morning as we were getting ready to go to the library. I walk into TK's room and all of her clothes are on the floor, dresser drawers are all open, and she is furious. "I have nothing to wear! Why don't you do the stupid laundry? I hate these new pants - they're size XL and only fat people wear XL!" (Gee dear, you have no clean clothes because I haven't had three seconds to breathe, much less do laundry, and your pants are size XL because you are 4'11" and 85 pounds. No, I didn't say this out loud.....but I really really wanted to!)
The downhill slope steepened in the bedtime warmup - bath, hair brushing, etc. I should have remembered that the transition day from break to school is rough, but I think I shove some of those hard times far back in my brain and honestly forget about them until they rear their ugly head again. Sadly for both of us, after 9 days of incessant togetherness, I did not have it in me to be in the place of compassion I needed to be in to nip it before it grew. No major blowouts, but a child sobbing in her bed (for absolutely no reason except being tired and transition - which is reason enough, but didn't feel like it to me at the time), me muttering as I stomped around trying to get in the right emotional space to go pat her to sleep. Luckily, God always grants me enough grace to settle myself enough to pat her and tell her I love her and say it in a truly loving way.
Tomorrow morning will probably be ugly. And I will probably be incredibly annoyed by that. I should warn her teachers but not sure how the day will go - she could settle right back into the routine and sail through, or she could have a disaster of a day. I honestly have no guess as to which way it will go. But I will seek the grace to get through that tomorrow. Right now I'm glad she is sleeping, that tomorrow I get to breathe a little, and that we found the grace to get through this break with minimal meltdowns.
As to the grace I will require in 3 short weeks when they are off for 20+ days? That will require a miracle...but hopefully I'll have the grace in the meantime not to hyperventilate just thinking about it.
Give yourselves grace for surviving a holiday. Heaven knows they are tough for our TKs, and thus tough for us. And stockpile some grace for the upcoming month -- and if you have any extra be sure to send it my way!
Reposted - Nov 20, 2014 BREAK OUT THE SUPERGLUE
Monday was the worst evening we've had in a loooong time. I can't even remember how it started - homework of course is always a trigger. We were doing homework and suddenly KABOOM! The paper got shredded, the screaming started, books got thrown.....and that was just the opening salvo.
I, sadly, could not get in that place of compassion....I was just done. I had nothing left to deal with this, so I walked away. It was undoubtedly the worst thing I could have done, as it feeds the rejection, but it was the only thing I could do. Sometimes you have to make the bad choice because you just don't have the strength to make the good one.
I walked into the kitchen, trying to breathe and not scream. Of course TK followed me, screaming things I haven't heard in years. "I wish you'd die so I could get a new mom. I'm going to run away and find a new mom. You're the worst mom ever. Why did God stick me with you? He really screwed up!" I did manage to stay somewhat in a good place and just reply along the lines of, "I'm going to be your mom forever. No matter what you say, where you go, or what you do, I will always love you and always be your mom." Yeah, it hurt my feelings, but I knew deep down she didn't mean any of it. What really hurt was knowing at the moment she didn't feel safe with even me. Her world felt so threatening that even I could not make her feel okay. That was hard - usually I can be the safe place, the place that reminds her she is worthy and loved.
I know some of what is behind it. Her best friend has been hanging with other girls and telling her she doesn't want to be with her. REJECTION. I've been really under the weather, fibromyalgia flaring, busted foot, then as soon as that was better a torn ligament in my hand, so I haven't been "fun active" mom lately. REJECTION. Her teacher has been pushing her more to get her homework done on time regardless of challenges. REJECTION.
So yes, it was horrible. We finally recalibrated (I honestly don't remember how - I try to forget the bad stuff) and ended up with cuddles and giggles at bedtime. To say I was exhausted is an understatement. I was done - physically, emotionally.....done. But the reality is I'm not allowed to be done - not ever. So I cried, prayed, breathed, and got on with it.
Luckily her friend and she patched things up and that turned things around quite a bit. Luckily I spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday while she was at school sleeping, so I feel halfway human again. Luckily we always manage to find the love through the trauma. Luckily we find a way to give each other grace and forgiveness even when we really blow it.
It will be a tough week next week. Holidays are hard and we feel quite isolated during these family times. I will again be exhausted trying to make it a fun busy week, but seeing that smile makes all the exhaustion worth while.
I'm giving us both grace for Monday - sometimes we all come unglued. Luckily we gave each other grace and moved forward, back to smiles and hugs and silliness.
Grant each other some grace too. You may not have come unglued, but odds are your TK will sometime in the next week, so hold onto that grace and use it when you need it.
Reposted - Nov 8, 2014 - NOT ENOUGH TO GO AROUND
I had one of the BGO moments the other day. Trauma Kids (or at least my TK) operate from a place of scarcity. What do I mean? If I compliment someone's outfit, TK assumes hers is ugly (e.g., there aren't enough compliments to go around/I'm rejecting her). If I comment that another kid did a good job on a project, TK assumes I think hers is stupid, she's stupid, a loser, etc. In her mind my sharing kind or encouraging words with another child takes those words away from her/are a rejection of her.......i.e., scarcity.
This is especially true when it comes to friends. This is a HUGE struggle for TK (and I expect for other TKs as well). If she has a friend and that friend chooses to play with someone else, she is certain she has been completely rejected. And in true TK style, she lashes out with harsh words, making it less likely the friend will choose to play with her in the future. The great paradox......I hurt you so you don't hurt me first, but then you reject me because I hurt you, so I am hurt.
TK described it this way the other night as we talked about the social struggle at school:
"When I try to be part of the group and they won't let me it's like they stick me in a closet and put a hundred coats on my head and I'm invisible, or like they bury me and I turn to stone and they totally forget I'm there. It's like I'm a nobody. At least when I'm mean they pay attention to me. I don't want to be mean, but I hurt them because they hurt me. It feels good."
Yep, that made me cry too. And honestly I'm not sure what to do with it, or the revelation that scarcity (i.e., fear...and it always comes back to fear) is the driving factor. So for now I'll hold back my compliments to others when TK is in earshot. And I'll extend her grace when she is harsh to others, knowing she is operating from a fear of rejection and not from meanness. And I'll extend myself grace while I try to figure out what to do with this new insight. Maybe there isn't anything to do with it except dwell in it, acknowledge it and keep on moving forward. It's exceptionally challenging to do that, to let her dwell in her hurt and fear, but I know she is wise enough to eventually work her way through it. In the meantime, I will hurt for her and with her, because sometimes that's all you can do.
No doubt you are finding your own revelations on this path. For the times when you come face to face with the revelation that you can't do anything but wait and love, know I'm sending you some grace. Thanks for the grace you're sending to us. We all need it.
Reposted - Oct 30, 2014 IT WAS SUCH A GREAT NIGHT......UNTIL
Sometimes I get a wee bit complacent, thinking things are going well, forgetting that there is always a storm after a calm. I think these times are necessary for my mental health, but I have to laugh at myself when I am yet again surprised when the trauma hits the fan.
This evening was the calm.....made cookies and cupcakes for tomorrow's school party, painted our Halloween fingernails, played ping pong - generally had good silly time together. Homework went FABULOUSLY (one of the best ever, and there was a boatload of it).
Fast forward a bit to bedtime. TK got the bright idea to gargle her water, which always ends up with her spitting water everywhere and me getting annoyed, but I did my best to ignore it. Of course it ended with, "Mom, can you change my sheets? They're wet." I told her to change them herself since she got them wet. I know, why pick that battle? Surely I know better. But I not only picked that one, I picked the next one. "Mom, can you get me some shorts? My long jammie pants are too hot." "Honey, I'm tired and my (broken) foot hurts. You can get them yourself."
And BANG goes the starting pistol. 20 minutes later, we're both ticked off, she's sobbing, I'm nearly there, and she is way too wound up to sleep, which is killing me, because all I want is for her to go to sleep so I can stop patting her and go sit in the den and wallow in my own hideous day. (Hey, sometimes you just have to wallow a little.)
After a few prayers and a mental slap upside the head, I apologize and we start to settle down. A few moments later I hear a very quiet, "Mommy, I love you to the moon and back."
So yep, we crashed and burned. Not the first time and surely not the last. But my sweet TK managed to reach deep inside herself and give me some grace. Heaven - and she- surely knew I needed it.
Give yourself some grace too. Or find a 9 year old who has a little extra and see if she'll share with you.
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