Trauma Kid (TK)'s therapist and I have been talking a lot about the balance of power. I have acknowledged for a while that I had given too much to TK, but honestly didn't know how to shift it without being totally draconian. After talking it through it seemed that it was time to get draconian and just know it wouldn't be well received. I can handle that - I handle pushback and drama frequently. I'm an old pro.
Tonight TK got a new list of chores (okay, I said I'd be honest in this blog.....she currently doesn't have any chores right now except what she feels like doing or can get paid for). She of course flipped out and told me it wasn't fair for me to "start adulting all at once". I take umbrage at the thought that I haven't been adulting, but I admit I have let her be far too much of an adult. I can whine and lay out all the reasons. The short answer is I did, as always, what I thought was best for our family at the time. In retrospect some of it was pretty much a disastrous decision.
TK and I got into a very heavy conversation about last year. She told me that was the year I stole her childhood. I asked her to explain, and she told me I was "all over her" when she was unhappy or upset and I wouldn't just let her screw up. While some of that is crap, there is some truth in it. So I agreed - and told her the reason why. I explained how hearing her tell me that there had been a lot of nights she prayed not to wake up - AFTER the fact - was the scariest thing I've ever heard. So yes, when she got out of whack I was all over it. I lived in fear of her going back to that place. And I live with the guilt of not knowing that's where she was. So I parented from a place of fear and guilt.....and of course, love. Love is a great place from which to parent. Fear and guilt are recipes for catastrophic failure. In restrospect I see how I let too much go, gave too much leeway, offered too many get out of jail free cards - because I was scared. Scared she would go back to that place of darkness, scared I wouldn't know it.
She was surprised when I told her I slept outside her door for two weeks after she told me that most horrifying statement. She asked why and I told her I knew that way I would hear her if she did anything. She cried with me at that point. I think maybe that bought a little grace for both of us.
Of course she's 13 so I'm regulated to "bad parent". I'm okay with that. But I'm wrestling with seeing the errors and knowing the impact and, even while knowing I did the best I could in that moment, still knowing it wasn't right and was even damaging. I'm struggling to give myself grace for that.
But, as Maya Angelou said, "when you know better you do better." I'm striving to leave behind the guilt and live that out.
Grace is hard to find sometimes, Trauma Mamas. But remember that coming from a place of love is grace at its finest. I'm trying to remember that right now myself.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Annoyed Compassion
Annoyed compassion - I know, it's rather like "jumbo shrimp". But I am living proof that annoyance and compassion can, and do, dwell simultaneously in a person.
Trauma Kid (TK) is a teenager....a challenging time for any parent, I'm told. As TK is my first teenager, I don't have a comparison, but I strongly expect parenting a TK through teenagerhood is rather different than parenting a non-trauma kid. As a parent to a 13 year old, eye rolling and sighing are a normal part of our day (and sadly, I report, it's often on my part!). But there's more - there always seems to be with TKs. Our days often include sudden bursts of anger that are disproportionate to the event. It reminds me of when TK was younger, because I see that same out of control look in her eyes when it happens.
I am weary of it, and utterly annoyed by the attitude of disrespect that her need for a sense of control makes so common. And yet my heart aches for her, because I cannot imagine how emotionally exhausting it is to so often feel on the verge of being completely out of control, of devolving into fits of anger, of struggling to maintain composure when your brain is always in full alert mode. So yes, I am full of compassion for her. And yes, I am utterly annoyed and over it all.
One thing I thought we had (more or less) conquered was the scarcity mentality that so many of our TKs have. I can now (sometimes) compliment a friend without TK feeling "less than". But she has transferred the scarcity beyond me to others. When our dear friends (our "here family") noted my weight loss (a result of 6 months of a complete diet overhaul) and didn't notice her "amazing muscles" that resulted from two weeks of running (ah, the optimism of youth), she was devastated - and thus angry at everyone who hadn't remarked on her "transformation". And of course she was angry at me because I was the object of their positive comments. So I feel (as parents of TKs often do) the desire to minimize my accomplishments, to shove her in front of me so she gets noticed. I'm angry at myself for this. I worked hard to make good choices in spite of two shoulder surgeries and single mom'ing TK through all my post-surgery pain and rehab(s). I SHOULD be allowed to be proud and be noticed. Yet I find myself staying away from the functions that will result in people noting my changes, because it's not worth the fallout. While my heart hurts that she feels there is not enough to go around, I am also annoyed that I am not allowed to be in the spotlight for any moment. (This is something her therapist and I are attacking this fall, but that's a blog entry for another day.)
I can argue that I shouldn't rearrange my life/plans to avoid her potentially getting dysregulated, agree that it's not "normal", but the reality is sometimes it's just too hard to deal with the fallout of situations, so I avoid them. I have to choose my battles, and it feels like they are neverending lately. So yes, I rearrange my life around TK's moods and try to avoid situations that will cause strife. Should I? Probably not. Maybe I should put her in those situations and let her grow through them. But that growth comes at a cost to me, and sometimes I'm just not in a place to pay it.
TK's doc and I are talking about putting her on meds for anxiety. I have such mixed feelings about this. TK readily tells people she suffers from anxiety and depression, but she balks at taking meds because that makes her "broken." In spite of all my speeches about it being a physical thing, a brain chemistry imbalance, "needing" medicine still makes her feel "less than". I hate that she needs them, but I think about how hard she struggles every day to feel in control of herself, and I want to offer whatever relief I can to make her days easier. I told her I took them for a time myself, and it's a temporary thing until her brain matures more and learns more coping skills. The doc will broach it with her at her physical.....TBD how that plays out.
Give yourselves grace, Trauma Mamas - grace when you avoid the hard situations because you just can't deal with the fallout, grace when you get annoyed with the challenges you face, grace when you make choices other don't agree with or can't understand. And mostly give yourselves grace when your compassion takes a backseat to your frustration, annoyance, and exhaustion. The battles continue to arise, but your love and compassion (even when hard to find) will bring you and your TK through.
Trauma Kid (TK) is a teenager....a challenging time for any parent, I'm told. As TK is my first teenager, I don't have a comparison, but I strongly expect parenting a TK through teenagerhood is rather different than parenting a non-trauma kid. As a parent to a 13 year old, eye rolling and sighing are a normal part of our day (and sadly, I report, it's often on my part!). But there's more - there always seems to be with TKs. Our days often include sudden bursts of anger that are disproportionate to the event. It reminds me of when TK was younger, because I see that same out of control look in her eyes when it happens.
I am weary of it, and utterly annoyed by the attitude of disrespect that her need for a sense of control makes so common. And yet my heart aches for her, because I cannot imagine how emotionally exhausting it is to so often feel on the verge of being completely out of control, of devolving into fits of anger, of struggling to maintain composure when your brain is always in full alert mode. So yes, I am full of compassion for her. And yes, I am utterly annoyed and over it all.
One thing I thought we had (more or less) conquered was the scarcity mentality that so many of our TKs have. I can now (sometimes) compliment a friend without TK feeling "less than". But she has transferred the scarcity beyond me to others. When our dear friends (our "here family") noted my weight loss (a result of 6 months of a complete diet overhaul) and didn't notice her "amazing muscles" that resulted from two weeks of running (ah, the optimism of youth), she was devastated - and thus angry at everyone who hadn't remarked on her "transformation". And of course she was angry at me because I was the object of their positive comments. So I feel (as parents of TKs often do) the desire to minimize my accomplishments, to shove her in front of me so she gets noticed. I'm angry at myself for this. I worked hard to make good choices in spite of two shoulder surgeries and single mom'ing TK through all my post-surgery pain and rehab(s). I SHOULD be allowed to be proud and be noticed. Yet I find myself staying away from the functions that will result in people noting my changes, because it's not worth the fallout. While my heart hurts that she feels there is not enough to go around, I am also annoyed that I am not allowed to be in the spotlight for any moment. (This is something her therapist and I are attacking this fall, but that's a blog entry for another day.)
I can argue that I shouldn't rearrange my life/plans to avoid her potentially getting dysregulated, agree that it's not "normal", but the reality is sometimes it's just too hard to deal with the fallout of situations, so I avoid them. I have to choose my battles, and it feels like they are neverending lately. So yes, I rearrange my life around TK's moods and try to avoid situations that will cause strife. Should I? Probably not. Maybe I should put her in those situations and let her grow through them. But that growth comes at a cost to me, and sometimes I'm just not in a place to pay it.
TK's doc and I are talking about putting her on meds for anxiety. I have such mixed feelings about this. TK readily tells people she suffers from anxiety and depression, but she balks at taking meds because that makes her "broken." In spite of all my speeches about it being a physical thing, a brain chemistry imbalance, "needing" medicine still makes her feel "less than". I hate that she needs them, but I think about how hard she struggles every day to feel in control of herself, and I want to offer whatever relief I can to make her days easier. I told her I took them for a time myself, and it's a temporary thing until her brain matures more and learns more coping skills. The doc will broach it with her at her physical.....TBD how that plays out.
Give yourselves grace, Trauma Mamas - grace when you avoid the hard situations because you just can't deal with the fallout, grace when you get annoyed with the challenges you face, grace when you make choices other don't agree with or can't understand. And mostly give yourselves grace when your compassion takes a backseat to your frustration, annoyance, and exhaustion. The battles continue to arise, but your love and compassion (even when hard to find) will bring you and your TK through.
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