Soooooo, Trauma Kid (TK) took her big trip to Grandmom's to hang without Mom for a week - or so was the plan. In truth I had no expectation it would last that long, and I was correct. I'll get back to that.
I've had many people ask me in the last two weeks what the big deal was. Kids go stay with their grandparents all the time. Surely my mom would keep her safe. Yes, she absolutely would go the mat to keep TK physically safe. The challenge is that "safe" is so much more to TK than just physical safety. That is a part of it, but not the biggest part. "Safe" also means knowing someone "gets" her; recognizes when she is feeling overwhelmed and can intervene to help. "Safe" means knowing, incontrovertibly, that she will still be loved if she does come undone. "Safe" means, quite honestly, knowing that she will be the most important thing for at least some part of the time she is with you. I've seen an evolution in how she deals with not feeling safe, and I'm not sure it's a good one. She will now hide that she feels unsafe from everyone except me.....something for us to work on.
So TK and Grandmom hopped on a plane on Monday, and I was to drive down 8 days later. The first two days were a little rough but Grandmom kept her really busy, and we skyped (for 2 hours) every night. The third night she got weepy but hung tough. The fourth night (Thursday), she sobbed the entire time we skyped. I had pretty much planned to head down on Saturday anyway (having a pretty realistic view of TK's ability to stretch her comfort zone). I figured Sat would be a few days past where she was comfortable and pushing past that, but just far enough, was the key. (It's totally a crap shoot on this walking the line deal, and I'm always just making my best guess.)
I made it down there Sat evening, and got the best greeting I've received from TK since she was 5 - flying across the parking lot to me, jumping in my arms. She was velcro girl.....nearly desperate in her need for me. Thus the "it will pay off in the long run" title. Her need for me was smothering (and still is). I expected it, but the intensity surprised even me.
Our dog got totally flipped out by the daily barrage of fireworks and had a nervous breakdown - all over the floor, rug upstairs, etc. So we cut our trip short and headed home on Tuesday. Since we've been home TK has been quite needy, though it has abated a small bit.
I'm trusting that this will pay off. I know stretching your comfort zone expands it, and sometimes even baby steps are huge. The aftermath of this is exhausting for me, though, as she regains her sense of security and safety. In spite of lots of advice from non-TK parents, I won't tell her "to just get over it", or enforce space between us (physical or emotional), or refuse to "baby her" by holding her hand until she falls asleep. I will continue to explain trauma, and explain that when your TK regresses, you meet them where they are until they feel safe enough to come back to now. Those regression moments are far fewer than they used to be, and usually occur at bedtime - a time fraught with challenge for most TKs.
On a sidebar, I've seen some things that are definite bright spots. TK is in drama camp right now, and has instantly reconnected with friends from last year. I am always surprised and heartened by her ability to connect, and it bodes well for middle school (the stuff of nightmares!). We saw a sign of children available for local adoption, and TK commented that we should look into that. We had a long talk about how that would change our family, and agreed to continue the conversation. I have always wanted to adopt more kids, but TK's challenges and needs outweighed the needs of another child waiting for a parent. I don't know how this will play out, but I love that she has room in her heart to even contemplate it.
I'm struggling for grace, Trauma Mamas, so toss some my way. I am mentally and physically exhausted from the travel, the drama, (cleaning up behind the dog's nervous breakdown!), and TK's overwhelming need for me. I am in that weird headspace where you wonder if you've made the right decisions regarding your TK, second-guess old decisions and play "what if". But I know that is fruitless and the focus needs to return to moving forward. It will.
Sending you all grace for celebrating baby steps, expanding comfort zones, and ignoring the voices of those "helpful" folks who don't get your TKs. Stay strong, Trauma Mamas. You've got this!
