TK has been seeing a counselor, and it's been a good thing. It has helped her to express her feelings and gives her a safe space to vent. It's also been a huge challenge- for me. Her feelings seem to center around how everything is my fault.
Case in point:
The last few years I worked part time at a small private school. This year they let me know very late in the summer that they wouldn't be using me this year. I began to scramble because I need to work. It's partly the money but mostly the social and community aspect of it. I need to be a contributing member of the world, interacting with people other than TK and making a difference to someone. While I know I am a good mom, there are many days (more now that TK has put voice to her seemingly endless dissatisfaction with me) that I feel insufficient, and I nearly always feel unfulfilled by my role as mom.
Today after therapy TK told me that my pursuing this job was stressing her out and having a tremendous negative impact on her. She felt I was too invested, spending too much time studying, and putting way too much importance on it.
The truth is the bulk of my studying has been done when she is holed up in her room or asleep or at school. The truth is I'm GOOD at this - I'm kicking butt and that feels amazing. I have felt mediocre for so long that this feels fabulous. The truth is she needs to know I am more than just a mom. The truth is this is long overdue. The truth is I resent that she is resentful of this.
But the truth is also that she feels rejected. The truth is she is scared I'll love driving a bus more than I love her. The truth is she's afraid if I'm really good at something else I won't need her. The truth is I built this monster by putting my life on hold to move her through her trauma as much as possible.
The ugly truth is I'm tired of always choosing trauma over everything else. The ugly truth is I am resentful as hell that I have to choose between keeping TK regulated and having a life. The ugly truth is anytime I choose to pursue an independent pursuit there will be fallout. The ugly truth is I always have to decide if what I'm doing /gaining is worth the price.
This time it is worth the price. The fallout will be real. I don't know how severe it will be or how long it will last, but I'm sure it will be unpleasant, to put it mildly.
I guarantee there are those reading this who are thinking, "that's what happens when you put your kids at the center of your life. That's what you get for choosing to keep the peace over fulfilling your own needs." And I get it; I've had those same thoughts myself. But then I remember how incredibly broken our family was and how magical it is that while it is still broken, there are many parts of it that have healed. That healing could not have occurred without those sacrifices. So I will continue to second-guess my choices, and I will continue trying to balance her sense of rejection with my need for personal fulfillment, and I will continue to cry when it gets ridiculously hard, because it is and will be again. But then I will stop, re-read some early blog entries and remind myself of how far we've come, and know that I did that. My choices and my sacrifices and my commitment did that. So I will give myself some grace and hold on as we navigate the rocky path we are now on. We've gotten through much worse.
Give yourselves grace, Trauma Mamas, when you allow yourself to nurture yourself. Give yourself the grace of at least once not laughing out loud when someone mentions "self care". Give yourself the grace of knowing you made the decisions you made to heal your family, and no one else will likely ever understand that. Give yourself the grace of feeling however you feel and knowing those feelings don't change your commitment and indefatigable love for your TK. You rock, Trauma Mamas. You deserve so much more than that tiny bit you're giving yourself right now, so grab it and cherish it and know you are worth it.
