TK was proudly showing her work to our dear friend, who is a teacher. That dear friend mentioned to me later that TK's work looked representative of dysgraphia, and I should look it up and see what I thought. I did, and it seemed feasible. I called TK's old OT and asked her what she thought and she said, "Definitely!'. So I'm on a mission to learn more about dysgraphia and how to deal with it. (Because swell, we need a learning disability on top of trauma.) The best I can figure so far is it's related to dyslexia, except where dyslexia affects reading, dysgraphia affects writing.
This all comes into play later in tonight's drama, so let me back up.
TK wanted to go the big library after school today. Our budget is at the "ravage the coin jar for gas money" stage until I get paid in a few days, so I'm trying to conserve gas. As the big library is the opposite way from home and traffic would bog down considerably, I nixed that and told her we would go to the small local library. She expressed her displeasure by flipping the pages in her notebook as loudly as possible. (I never knew a notebook could sound so angry).
TK's current passion (obsession) is Carrie Underwood. She writes stories about her, listens to her music, and watches her videos over and over and over and over.....as tween girls will. So she was looking for a Carrie Underwood book. No surprise, the small local library didn't have one. So more huffing and puffing and "why couldn't we go to the big library like I wanted?" ensued. I took the well, if not exactly high, middle road and ignored it (other than some quiet teeth grinding).
There was a reprieve when we got home and she discovered that Carrie Underwood was in Soul Surfer and it was free On Demand. I told her she could watch it but needed to do spelling and empty the dishwasher (yes, I'm an ogre). It turns out Soul Surfer, while wonderful, is a VERY long movie that took us right to ten minutes before bedtime. When I told TK it was time for spelling I got the "But I'm tired" deal. So I launched into reactive mom- "That's fine, but from now on no TV until spelling is done, chores are done, etc. And we're going back to our rules of no TV on Wednesdays and I'm cutting back on TV time." (Truthfully I have been lazy and let her watch more than our prescribed limit because I am very much in the "Mom needs a break"mode). This met with the normal screaming, "You're so mean, it's not fair, I have too many chores, no one else has chores"......etc, etc. (Yes, those 3 chores you have are indeed onerous). I responded in kind. "I can guarantee you that most of your friends have far more chores than you do. You are 10 years old and need to take some responsibility for being part of this family. I am sick of being your personal servant" etc, etc. (I really should record that personal servant bit....it is a recurring theme in my rants).
At this point TK stormed by me, grabbed my reading glasses off my face and threw them. I did not explode (externally), but I did put my hand up to her and say, "I am going to my room because I am very angry. You can pick up my glasses and get ready for bed. I will be there in a few minutes." Of course, in typical TK style, she wandered through my closed door (without knocking) and I immediately said, "I did not invite you in here. You need to go to your room and get ready for bed." TK: "I was bringing you your stupid glasses!" Me: "I didn't ask you to bring me my glasses, I asked you to pick them up." TK stormed out, slamming the door. I ground my teeth and tried to breathe.
When I calmed down I headed to TK's room to read. She greeted me with the wadded up spelling list, ranting, "Spelling is stupid. Who cares if you can spell anyway?" (At this point, aware that my Trauma Mama mode was in hiatus, I was in for a penny, in for a pound). Me: "Spelling is important as you go through life." TK: " I can spell. I'm not stupid. I wrote those Carrie Underwood songs and they were all spelled right." Me: "Actually, they weren't. Look in your journal and you'll see that every is spelled 'evrey'". (I know, I know, what WAS the point? I seemed determined to drive the bus through the guardrail and off the cliff.) TK: "So maybe I am just stupid. Or maybe my teacher was yelling at me while I was writing because I'm stupid."
Me, finally getting a LITTLE bit out of "going off the cliff" mode and into some compassion, "Actually, there's a reason spelling is hard for you." I went on to simply explain dysgraphia and told her it was not anything to be scared about. "Just like you need glasses to see, we need to figure out what kind of glasses your brain needs so it doesn't hiccup when you write. A lot of people have this. Spelling is hard because your brain has this hiccup, not because you're not smart." When I told her one tool was using a word processor and spellcheck rather than writing by hand, she yelled, "I"m not using stupid spellcheck!" At that point Trauma Mama reappeared and said, "It's scary, isn't it?" TK harrumphed, "I'm NOT scared." So I just started reading. After about two minutes I heard a soft, "I'm sorry, Mom." I apologized in kind and kept reading.
It will be interesting (and, I hope, not tumultuous) the next few days as TK processes what I told her. I expect she will yet again amaze me with her courage and strength.
So yeah, bedtime after a mutual meltdown is definitely not how or when I had planned to broach this topic with her, but......
I
could definitely have used some more grace tonight as I lost my cool
and went into Mom rant #703. Luckily there is grace in apologies and
forgiveness, and we are good at both of those in our house.
Give yourselves grace when your Trauma Mamas go on hiatus. They always come back, and your TK knows she's there, loving and believing through it all.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Trauma Mama Fears
Love conquers fear. I truly believe that. And I know that love has conquered, or at least eased, many of TK's fears over the last 5-1/2 years. But love has not conquered mine.
My fears are not so much for the future. Those fears I have managed to put in the "don't waste energy on this" closet and shut the door. My fears are more day to day.
My primary fear is social. When TK is playing with a group and I hear the voices escalate (as I know they normally do), I feel myself tense up and wait for the explosion. I know as the mom of an only child, I am not accustomed to the normal squabbling that occurs among children. I know I am incredibly hypersensitive from the past. I know these things, but I still panic. When the squabbling starts, I am mentally creating the apology speech, the explanation, and steeling myself for the rejection that will result.
When I am with friends and the kids are playing, I'm sure they think I am ignoring them. I know my eyes are frantically searching for TK, looking for the warning signs that the meltdown is imminent. I know my ears are not fully listening because they are craned to hear any "warning signs". I know I am building a wall to protect myself when the worst happens.
Love conquers fear. I know it does and will conquer TK's. I think only time with conquer mine. Every time we have a successful social interaction, my fear should lessen. Honestly, it doesn't yet. I am anxious for the day it does.
So give me some grace when we're together and I'm not all there. Some day I hope I can be fully present with you and stop fearing what may happen with TK. Some day I hope I can laugh at the kid squabbles, ignore the rising voices and have peace in my heart when TK is engaged in a group. Some day........
So until some day, I will grab the grace of a friend who "gets it" saying, "It's okay, they're just playing" or "Even if it goes south, it's still okay." Some day I'll believe the "it's okay" part. In the meantime, I'll keep loving, knowing if my love conquers enough of TK's fear, mine will abate too.
My fears are not so much for the future. Those fears I have managed to put in the "don't waste energy on this" closet and shut the door. My fears are more day to day.
My primary fear is social. When TK is playing with a group and I hear the voices escalate (as I know they normally do), I feel myself tense up and wait for the explosion. I know as the mom of an only child, I am not accustomed to the normal squabbling that occurs among children. I know I am incredibly hypersensitive from the past. I know these things, but I still panic. When the squabbling starts, I am mentally creating the apology speech, the explanation, and steeling myself for the rejection that will result.
When I am with friends and the kids are playing, I'm sure they think I am ignoring them. I know my eyes are frantically searching for TK, looking for the warning signs that the meltdown is imminent. I know my ears are not fully listening because they are craned to hear any "warning signs". I know I am building a wall to protect myself when the worst happens.
Love conquers fear. I know it does and will conquer TK's. I think only time with conquer mine. Every time we have a successful social interaction, my fear should lessen. Honestly, it doesn't yet. I am anxious for the day it does.
So give me some grace when we're together and I'm not all there. Some day I hope I can be fully present with you and stop fearing what may happen with TK. Some day I hope I can laugh at the kid squabbles, ignore the rising voices and have peace in my heart when TK is engaged in a group. Some day........
So until some day, I will grab the grace of a friend who "gets it" saying, "It's okay, they're just playing" or "Even if it goes south, it's still okay." Some day I'll believe the "it's okay" part. In the meantime, I'll keep loving, knowing if my love conquers enough of TK's fear, mine will abate too.
Monday, October 5, 2015
The Bless in the Mess
I'm taking part in a Bible Study called "Let.It.Go." Being a Trauma Mama, I definitely have a leg up on this one!
Trauma Mamas (and Daddies, Grandparents, Siblings, etc) play "let it go" all the time (and not the Elsa version). It starts when the trauma rears up. The first thing you let go is your vision of your family. For me it meant letting go of the idea that our days would be filled with friends and carefree times. When the trauma became evident, there wasn't anything carefree or friend-filled about our days. Our days were about survival.....white knuckles, tears streaming, on your knees praying, us against the world survival.
After you let go of the vision of your family, you let go of your vision of your child's future. You learn that getting through trauma is a day to day thing, and planning 10 years from now is impossible. Many times, planning two hours ahead is impossible. You let go of thinking you can follow through on plans for play dates and outings, knowing there are times you must hunker into your "small world" and focus on making your TK feel safe. You (try to) let go of the disappointment and pain of telling a friend yet one more time at the last minute that you can't make the skating rink/play date/movie, knowing this may be the time that they walk away and don't call again. You let go of visions of carefree times at the park chatting with other moms, knowing you will be in hyper vigilant mode, watching for the first signs of overwhelm so you can insert that "time in" that will (hopefully) avert the reactive hitting/yelling/throwing trucks at someone's head that occurs when your TK suddenly feels threatened.
You let go of your need to understand why your TK does the things she does, and just accept that you will never understand that state level of fear that is insidiously embedded in your TK's mind.
You let go of carefree holidays and vacations, knowing the lack of structure/change of routine/invasion of loving relatives is all change and stress to your TK. Instead you guardedly schedule get-togethers, planting the seed with others that you may have to cancel/leave early and seemingly inexplicably. You dread the long break from school because you know it will drain you of every ounce of patience and energy you have.
You let go of many things, or you go crazy trying to hold on to them. Letting go is scary, but it is powerful. When you let go you leave room to let other things in. You let IN watching your TK heal and grow. You let IN getting stronger and more patient and less judgmental. You let IN compassion. You let IN grace. And letting go of everything else is nothing compared to gaining compassion and grace. With compassion and grace we can heal our TKs, our families, and ourselves.
Grab the grace of letting go. It will scare you to death and empower you beyond words. Sit with grace and compassion and know you are the strong, powerful, loving Trauma Mama you are, and your TK is blessed to have you.
Trauma Mamas (and Daddies, Grandparents, Siblings, etc) play "let it go" all the time (and not the Elsa version). It starts when the trauma rears up. The first thing you let go is your vision of your family. For me it meant letting go of the idea that our days would be filled with friends and carefree times. When the trauma became evident, there wasn't anything carefree or friend-filled about our days. Our days were about survival.....white knuckles, tears streaming, on your knees praying, us against the world survival.
After you let go of the vision of your family, you let go of your vision of your child's future. You learn that getting through trauma is a day to day thing, and planning 10 years from now is impossible. Many times, planning two hours ahead is impossible. You let go of thinking you can follow through on plans for play dates and outings, knowing there are times you must hunker into your "small world" and focus on making your TK feel safe. You (try to) let go of the disappointment and pain of telling a friend yet one more time at the last minute that you can't make the skating rink/play date/movie, knowing this may be the time that they walk away and don't call again. You let go of visions of carefree times at the park chatting with other moms, knowing you will be in hyper vigilant mode, watching for the first signs of overwhelm so you can insert that "time in" that will (hopefully) avert the reactive hitting/yelling/throwing trucks at someone's head that occurs when your TK suddenly feels threatened.
You let go of your need to understand why your TK does the things she does, and just accept that you will never understand that state level of fear that is insidiously embedded in your TK's mind.
You let go of carefree holidays and vacations, knowing the lack of structure/change of routine/invasion of loving relatives is all change and stress to your TK. Instead you guardedly schedule get-togethers, planting the seed with others that you may have to cancel/leave early and seemingly inexplicably. You dread the long break from school because you know it will drain you of every ounce of patience and energy you have.
You let go of many things, or you go crazy trying to hold on to them. Letting go is scary, but it is powerful. When you let go you leave room to let other things in. You let IN watching your TK heal and grow. You let IN getting stronger and more patient and less judgmental. You let IN compassion. You let IN grace. And letting go of everything else is nothing compared to gaining compassion and grace. With compassion and grace we can heal our TKs, our families, and ourselves.
Grab the grace of letting go. It will scare you to death and empower you beyond words. Sit with grace and compassion and know you are the strong, powerful, loving Trauma Mama you are, and your TK is blessed to have you.
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