Trauma Mama Fears

Love conquers fear. I truly believe that.  And I know that love has conquered, or at least eased, many of TK's fears over the last 5-1/2 years.  But love has not conquered mine.

My fears are not so much for the future. Those fears I have managed to put in the "don't waste energy on this" closet and shut the door.  My fears are more day to day. 

My primary fear is social. When TK is playing with a group and I hear the voices escalate (as I know they normally do), I feel myself tense up and wait for the explosion.  I know as the mom of an only child, I am not accustomed to the normal squabbling that occurs among children.  I know I am incredibly hypersensitive from the past.  I know these things, but I still panic.  When the squabbling starts, I am mentally creating the apology speech, the explanation, and steeling myself for the rejection that will result.

When I am with friends and the kids are playing, I'm sure they think I am ignoring them. I know my eyes are frantically searching for TK, looking for the warning signs that the meltdown is imminent.  I know my ears are not fully listening because they are craned to hear any "warning signs".  I know I am building a wall to protect myself when the worst happens.

Love conquers fear.  I know it does and will conquer TK's.  I think only time with conquer mine.  Every time we have a successful social interaction, my fear should lessen. Honestly, it doesn't yet.  I am anxious for the day it does.  

So give me some grace when we're together and I'm not all there.  Some day I hope I can be fully present with you and stop fearing what may happen with TK. Some day I hope I can laugh at the kid squabbles, ignore the rising voices and have peace in my heart when TK is engaged in a group.  Some day........

So until some day, I will grab the grace of a friend who "gets it" saying, "It's okay, they're just playing" or "Even if it goes south, it's still okay."  Some day I'll believe the "it's okay" part.  In the meantime, I'll keep loving, knowing if my love conquers enough of TK's fear, mine will abate too.