Well, THAT didn't go as planned

TK was proudly showing her work to our dear friend, who is a teacher.  That dear friend mentioned to me later that TK's work looked representative of dysgraphia, and I should look it up and see what I thought. I did, and it seemed feasible. I called TK's old OT and asked her what she thought and she said, "Definitely!'. So I'm on a mission to learn more about dysgraphia and how to deal with it.  (Because swell, we need a learning disability on top of trauma.)  The best I can figure so far is it's related to dyslexia, except where dyslexia affects reading, dysgraphia affects writing.

This all comes into play later in tonight's drama, so let me back up.

TK wanted to go the big library after school today. Our budget is at the "ravage the coin jar for gas money" stage until I get paid in a few days, so I'm trying to conserve gas. As the big library is the opposite way from home and traffic would bog down considerably, I nixed that and told her we would go to the small local library. She expressed her displeasure by flipping the pages in her notebook as loudly as possible.  (I never knew a notebook could sound so angry). 

TK's current passion (obsession) is Carrie Underwood. She writes stories about her, listens to her music, and watches her videos over and over and over and over.....as tween girls will.  So she was looking for a Carrie Underwood book. No surprise, the small local library didn't have one.  So more huffing and puffing and "why couldn't we go to the big library like I wanted?" ensued. I took the well, if not exactly high, middle road and ignored it (other than some quiet teeth grinding).

There was a reprieve when we got home and she discovered that Carrie Underwood was in Soul Surfer and it was free On Demand.  I told her she could watch it but needed to do spelling and empty the dishwasher (yes, I'm an ogre). It turns out Soul Surfer, while wonderful, is a VERY long movie that took us right to ten minutes before bedtime. When I told TK it was time for spelling I got the "But I'm tired" deal. So I launched into reactive mom- "That's fine, but from now on no TV until spelling is done, chores are done, etc.  And we're going back to our rules of no TV on Wednesdays and I'm cutting back on TV time." (Truthfully I have been lazy and let her watch more than our prescribed limit because I am very much in the "Mom needs a break"mode).  This met with the normal screaming, "You're so mean, it's not fair, I have too many chores, no one else has chores"......etc, etc.  (Yes, those 3 chores you have are indeed onerous).  I responded in kind. "I can guarantee you that most of your friends have far more chores than you do.  You are 10 years old and need to take some responsibility for being part of this family. I am sick of being your personal servant" etc, etc.  (I really should record that personal servant bit....it is a recurring theme in my rants).

At this point TK stormed by me, grabbed my reading glasses off my face and threw them.  I did not explode (externally), but I did put my hand up to her and say, "I am going to my room because I am very angry. You can pick up my glasses and get ready for bed. I will be there in a few minutes."  Of course, in typical TK style, she wandered through my closed door (without knocking) and I immediately said, "I did not invite you in here. You need to go to your room and get ready for bed."  TK: "I was bringing you your stupid glasses!" Me: "I didn't ask you to bring me my glasses, I asked you to pick them up."  TK stormed out, slamming the door. I ground my teeth and tried to breathe.  

When I calmed down I headed to TK's room to read. She greeted me with the wadded up spelling list, ranting, "Spelling is stupid. Who cares if you can spell anyway?"  (At this point, aware that my Trauma Mama mode was in hiatus, I was in for a penny, in for a pound). Me: "Spelling is important as you go through life."  TK: " I can spell. I'm not stupid.  I wrote those Carrie Underwood songs and they were all spelled right."  Me: "Actually, they weren't. Look in your journal and you'll see that every is spelled 'evrey'".  (I know, I know, what WAS the point? I seemed determined to drive the bus through the guardrail and off the cliff.)  TK: "So maybe I am just stupid. Or maybe my teacher was yelling at me while I was writing because I'm stupid."

Me, finally getting a LITTLE bit out of  "going off the cliff" mode and into some compassion, "Actually, there's a reason spelling is hard for you."  I went on to simply explain dysgraphia and told her it was not anything to be scared about. "Just like you need glasses to see, we need to figure out what kind of glasses your brain needs so it doesn't hiccup when you write. A lot of people have this. Spelling is hard because your brain has this hiccup, not because you're not smart."  When I told her one tool was using a word processor and spellcheck rather than writing by hand, she yelled, "I"m not using stupid spellcheck!"  At that point Trauma Mama reappeared and said, "It's scary, isn't it?"  TK harrumphed, "I'm NOT scared."  So I just started reading.  After about two minutes I heard a soft, "I'm sorry, Mom." I apologized in kind and kept reading.

It will be interesting (and, I hope, not tumultuous) the next few days as TK processes what I told her. I expect she will yet again amaze me with her courage and strength.   

So yeah, bedtime after a mutual meltdown is definitely not how or when I had planned to broach this topic with her, but......

I could definitely have used some more grace tonight as I lost my cool and went into Mom rant #703. Luckily there is grace in apologies and forgiveness, and we are good at both of those in our house.

Give yourselves grace when your Trauma Mamas go on hiatus.  They always come back, and your TK knows she's there, loving and believing through it all.