I'd forgotten how, when TK is REALLY dysregulated, she hates everything.
I'd forgotten how she loses impulse control and blurts out things that are not nice.
I'd forgotten that the most innocent comment from me is viewed as a personal attack.
I'd forgotten how to deal with torn homework, 1000 decibel screaming, and the defeatist attitude.
Some things should stay forgotten.
It's no surprise that TK's transition to middle school has been bumpy, but we had seemingly hit a groove (mostly) until two weeks ago. That's when the talk about "quarterly exams" started. That's when the quarterly study guides started coming home. That's when TK started getting overwhelmed.
We had a rough night two weeks ago when I seemingly lost all my trauma mama skills. After TK was asleep, I regrouped, and I wrote this and left it on her pillow.
First I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry I haven’t been
really listening with my heart and have just been listening with my ears
lately. I’m sorry that you feel like I think you’re not capable or good enough
or smart enough. Because you are. You
are enough.
Thank you for talking with me last night and letting me know how you feel. Thank you for letting me try again so I remembered to listen with my heart and not just my ears. I am so glad you gave me that chance for a re-do so I could get it right.
I am so proud of you. You are courageous and smart and
compassionate and kind and a hard worker.
Every day I am amazed at who you are becoming. I am so proud of how you take your problems
to someone who can help you, and so proud of how you talk to your teachers and
friends when you have a problem or something is bothering you. There are a lot of adults who can’t do that. That takes tremendous self control and
courage.
You are so much more than your grades. Your grades are great, and you put way too
much pressure on yourself about them. You were partly right when you said I
don’t care if you fail…..I don’t care if you get a bad grade nearly as much as
I care about you being happy. I want you
to do well because that makes you happy, but I truly am proud of whatever grade
you get because you worked so hard for it.
I am sorry I don’t say more often how proud I am of you. I
will do better. I am so proud of you –
always, and I love you more than I can ever put into words. Nothing in this whole world makes me happier
than being your mom.
She actually hung that on her wall. Score one for Trauma Mama regroup.
Now hang a left with me.......TK's school has been unwilling to put a 504 in place for her dysgraphia and trauma because, and I quote, "She is doing so well she doesn't need one." The teachers have been really good about making accommodations, and so far the homework and tests have been spaced out enough that we have managed to get through it with only random spates of drama. I have been frustrated by the inability to get a 504 but was comfortable with the teachers' efforts.
That changed. The last two weeks we have slowly and inexorably gone off the rails. Tonight was the massive derailment. Two things were the catalyst.
- TK's teachers use google classroom. TK had a sub in a class and the sub didn't explain the work the same way as the teacher. TK wrote a comment on google classroom about the sub not doing it right. The teacher called her out in front of the class. This is (or was) her favorite teacher, so this was a huge rejection. As she was working on the homework for that class tonight (which she didn't understand), TK lost it. She crumpled her homework, threw it across the room and screamed, "I'll just flunk this class. And I'll bet the teacher will stand up and clap!" (This teacher has gone way above and beyond for TK, so this was just the rejection talking.)
- TK had her science quarterly exam today. She had studied for hours over the last three days and was confident. She got a 77. She was devastated. She figured all that hard work was useless.......therefore, (follow the trauma logic) she was stupid, she was going to fail school, everyone hates a failure, her teachers all hate her, she'll quit school and have no friends and "go to clown college".
As she had been screaming for about 45 minutes at this point, I was well out of my trauma mama space. So I yelled back (trauma mama fail). She stormed out of the room; I sat and tried to silence my brain and tune into my heart, said a few prayers, took a million deep breaths, and waited. (Oh, and I emailed the relevant people at school to tell them we were meeting next week about a 504.)
After 10 minutes, TK came back in the room, still crying (but not screaming, so we were making progress). She asked me why I was happy about her bad grade. I told her she was so much more than a grade, and I was happy she had tried so hard, and I know it sucks to try hard and not have it pay off. But it doesn't make you less valuable, or less smart, or less loved. Knowing TK, that will simmer in her brain for a while and hopefully take root.
We went out to the trampoline and bounced away our dysregulation. Or at least she bounced away hers. Mine is still there, but there are a lot of other factors feeding mine right now.
I am frustrated with how difficult it is to get into full on trauma mama mode right now. On one hand, it's great because it means I'm out of practice. On the other hand, I know this stuff, I explain this stuff to other people, and I should be able to kick into it quickly and easily.
Luckily even after a monster meltdown, TK still finds the grace to apologize and thank me for listening. And I find the grace (albeit with a struggle tonight) to apologize back for yelling and remind her how very much I love her. And we both get a re-do.
Going backwards is the pits. Working hard and not getting the result you want (be that a grade or a regulated kid) is the pits. The fact that the trauma battle is ongoing is the pits. So sometimes you will be in the pit, Trauma Mamas. Grab on to the grace of re-dos and TKs who are trying so hard, the grace of teachers and administrators who help (and try to give the ones who don't their own re-do). It's okay when you screw it up - you will. Sometimes our own crud gets in the way of being a fully present trauma mama, and that's okay. Give yourself the grace of a re-do too.
