Yesterday
was a transition day - first day back after break. Transition days are
exceedingly challenging for TKs, so last night TK was tired and out of whack
and couldn't face doing homework. She turned into "Lucky" the young
puppy, so I cuddled her, we read baby books, and all was fine.......until this
AM, when she freaked because she knew she'd get in trouble for not having her
homework done. She did try to get some of it done this AM, but it was substantial
and she couldn't make much of a dent. I had emailed her teachers and IEP
coordinator to tell them we had a homework fail last night. When we got
to school I told her teacher that TK tried to get some done before
school. The teacher commented, "There's no way she can do it all
last minute. Well, there have to be consequences." I truly believe
this is a misguided attempt to help, thinking "tough love" is the way
to go. But for a trauma kid, tough love equals rejection. So now TK feels
rejected and no longer sees her teacher as a "safe" person.
Another well intentioned but woefully misguided IEP team member stopped me to tell me she is going to write a script for me to use at home every time TK gets upset, because it works so well with autistic kids. I almost laughed, but I was trying too hard not to cry. Rational/detached script reading is about as counterproductive as you can get with a trauma kid. Failing to "get in the moment" is the kiss of death when your TK is overwhelmed/in meltdown mode. Staying aloof and "rational" and reading some script ad nauseum may result in the cessation of the behavior, but it will be because your TK gives up, not because they're okay.
But the reality is the school system tries to force fit our trauma kids into categories that are defined and have set ways to deal with them......we do A for children with autism, we do B for children with ADD/ADHD. But there is no defined way to deal with TKs. There are things that work and, more importantly, things that DON'T work, but the lack of a prescribed approach that folks can memorize and apply means this battle will be ongoing. It's a battle worth fighting - the battle to get trauma recognized, to get our TKs understood, dealt with with compassion and not judgment. And the people we're battling aren't against us, they just need education (and sadly in some cases, willingness) to fully understand the scope of trauma, the impact on our kids, and how we help them heal.
Days like this wreck me. It feels very much like it's two steps forward, nineteen steps backward. It crushes me to hear people who I thought understand it go so incredibly awry. I know the intention is good, but I still wonder where I went wrong, what I didn't explain correctly.....but then I remember - you can't really "get it" until you're "in it".
So I'm trying to extend grace to those who go awry, because they ARE trying. They don't live it every day, so I undoubtedly put impossible expectations on them when it comes to what TK needs. But I'm also extending myself grace when I hurt others' feelings as I continue to fight for what TK needs, because inevitably there will be some hurt feelings along the way. I apologize for those, but I will never apologize for continuing to fight to make TK's life as sweet, stress free, and regulated as possible. She is worth the battle. Your TK is too.
Wishing you sufficient grace for whatever battle you face.
Another well intentioned but woefully misguided IEP team member stopped me to tell me she is going to write a script for me to use at home every time TK gets upset, because it works so well with autistic kids. I almost laughed, but I was trying too hard not to cry. Rational/detached script reading is about as counterproductive as you can get with a trauma kid. Failing to "get in the moment" is the kiss of death when your TK is overwhelmed/in meltdown mode. Staying aloof and "rational" and reading some script ad nauseum may result in the cessation of the behavior, but it will be because your TK gives up, not because they're okay.
But the reality is the school system tries to force fit our trauma kids into categories that are defined and have set ways to deal with them......we do A for children with autism, we do B for children with ADD/ADHD. But there is no defined way to deal with TKs. There are things that work and, more importantly, things that DON'T work, but the lack of a prescribed approach that folks can memorize and apply means this battle will be ongoing. It's a battle worth fighting - the battle to get trauma recognized, to get our TKs understood, dealt with with compassion and not judgment. And the people we're battling aren't against us, they just need education (and sadly in some cases, willingness) to fully understand the scope of trauma, the impact on our kids, and how we help them heal.
Days like this wreck me. It feels very much like it's two steps forward, nineteen steps backward. It crushes me to hear people who I thought understand it go so incredibly awry. I know the intention is good, but I still wonder where I went wrong, what I didn't explain correctly.....but then I remember - you can't really "get it" until you're "in it".
So I'm trying to extend grace to those who go awry, because they ARE trying. They don't live it every day, so I undoubtedly put impossible expectations on them when it comes to what TK needs. But I'm also extending myself grace when I hurt others' feelings as I continue to fight for what TK needs, because inevitably there will be some hurt feelings along the way. I apologize for those, but I will never apologize for continuing to fight to make TK's life as sweet, stress free, and regulated as possible. She is worth the battle. Your TK is too.
Wishing you sufficient grace for whatever battle you face.
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