This week some fairly staunch supporters of TK succumbed to the seeming never-endingness of this journey. They decided the progress she's showing is not a sufficient response to the effort they are putting in, so they are done......not completely done, but significantly less invested.
That made me wonder how many times I have declared myself done. Surely more than 100 but probably less than 1000 (or maybe not). I have declared it to myself, to the Lord above, and sometimes, regrettably, to TK. I hope she knows I will never be done, that my love for her exceeds my fatigue and weariness, but I sometimes succumb to those in the moment and declare myself done.
There are days I wonder if I will ever be "done". Will this ever be gone? Will the effects of trauma ever stop hauting her to the point where it no longer runs part of her life? How much longer until I am done with this incredibly long, unpredictable, challenging journey and we get to spend all our time in the relatively smooth sailing (in comparison) of non-trauma existence? After 8-1/2 years, why aren't we done....surely by now we should be!
The answer is I have no idea. We have made huge strides, and TK is very much less impacted by her trauma past than she was. When I forget that I just have to stop and observe. The other night we were at a friend's house for a Super Bowl dinner and at one point she disappeared. She quietly went to another room and sat there in the quiet by herself for a few minutes until she was regulated and came back to join us. In retrospect, this is HUGE! She didn't have an outburst, didn't require my presence to help her regulate, and she recognized what she needed to do and did it. When I stop and really think about what that means, I know there is hope that we may one day be "done", But if we're not, that's okay too. I'm here for the whole journey - wherever it leads, however bumpy it may be, even when I want to be done.....ESPECIALLY when I want to be done.
It saddens me when other people in her life decide they are done, but I get it. It IS exhausting, and sometimes you don't see the result of all the effort for a long time, if ever. The trauma mama in me is furious, of course.......you can't be done. Being done tells her she's not worth it. Being done is rejection. She's worth you not being done. She's worth you staying the course and investing 100% and not giving up, even when you want to be done.
Love is never done.
Give yourselves some extra grace in those moments when you declare yourself done....and even more when you take that deep breath and venture back into the fray, knowing you aren't.
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