We were hanging out with some of our nearest and dearest on Thanksgiving, and the meal was followed by a no holds barred, rules out the window, laugh til you puke basketball game. TK and I were on separate teams. At one point I (foolishly) guarded her and she tripped over my foot. She wiped out, got up, kicked me in the shin, I apologized that she fell, and the game went on. As we drove home later, TK apologized for kicking me. I truly gave it no further thought.
The next day one of my nearest and dearest called to say there was some concern among our other nearest and dearest who saw TK kick me. I honestly had to think for a minute to remember if she had kicked me. You're probably thinking I totally blew it off and "shouldn't ignore that kind of behavior." But the reality is we have mastered moving past the crud. She apologized, we talked about what she could do differently the next time she felt like kicking me, and it was done. I truly put it behind me. That is a gift I have learned. If I kept all the bad stuff before me I would live with constant anger and annoyance and get stuck. I am so grateful I have learned how to let go.
The phone call was a great reminder to me.....a reminder that I can still provide insight and education into things that I take for granted. So let me enlighten what caused TK's behavior.
TK dearly loves the people that were playing and watching the game. When she tripped, her very black and white trauma thinking kicked into overdrive, knowing with absolute certainty that whomever saw her fall would: - think she was no good at basketball; - think she was clumsy; - think she was stupid; - think she was unlovable. That fear of rejection overwhelmed her and she lashed out.
You wonder how it went from a skinned knee to absolute rejection in under 2 seconds? Me too, but I have accepted that I will never understand why the trauma brain thinks what it thinks, I just accept that it does. I know the physiology and technical explanations, but in truth it makes no sense. It just is.
Luckily TK seldom feels that overwhelmed anymore. It is more likely to happen in high value emotional situations (like that with your "friend family", who could reject you because they chose to take you into their circle, so they can choose to kick you out).
I am so grateful for the gift of those nearest and dearest who were worried enough to reach out and make sure we were okay. While I admit my alarm bells go off at first (because honestly, no matter how much I deny it, I still freak when TK's trauma rears its head in front of others), the love and desire to understand that comes from the people who love us is a precious gift.
Hold on tight to the grace of the people who love you, especially when they love you in spite of the trauma crud. Remember that questions often come from a desire to understand and not from a desire to judge. Grab the grace of hearing your TK apologize when she blows it, and extend the grace of doing the same.
Remember that the "outside" view is one snippet of your long challenge of healing your TK. It a great opportunity to reflect on your progress (go you!) and bring understanding to those who seek it.
Keep on chugging, Trauma Mamas. You might get kicked in the shins sometimes, but that gives you both a chance to seek and grant grace, and practice letting go. Grace and forgiveness - we all need more of both.
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