"It doesn't happen that often"

I've been pondering something that happened today, and I'm not honestly sure how I feel about it, so I may meander in my blogging as I think this through.

To set the stage:   TK and I were out with a (new) friend today. After about 2 hours of ice skating/arcade/hanging we headed to Culver's to get some ice cream. As we were all getting ready to leave, my friend said to TK, "It was nice to meet you."  TK said nothing.  I know she has better manners than this, so I nudged, whispering (she was in my lap) "And....".  She looked at me, turned to my friend and said, "Not really."  I popped into reactive mom mode and quickly said, "You know that is not the appropriate response.  Try again with the right response. 'Nice to meet you too' is sufficient."  She muttered it, rather rudely.  I called her on it again, and she flung her arm back and her hand hit my face.  She may not have been aiming for my face, but she meant to make contact. 

I can, once out of the moment, understand it.  I embarrassed her in front of someone (new, worse yet), which immediately triggered her trauma brain into thinking "this person will think I'm stupid/bad/not lovable"'; "Mom will think I'm stupid/bad/unlovable"; "I AM stupid/bad/unlovable."  Yes, it really does move from something inconsequential to complete rejection that quickly in a TK's brain.  

My friend wasn't nearly as appalled as she might have been.  She was surprised (I wasn't) to see TK try to hit me.  I have had many people be appalled on my behalf.  Perhaps I should be more appalled.  Internally I am......my brain jumps into the "how dare you disrespect your mom" mode, but I do my best to externally stay out of that reactive place with her.  And most people think my lack of of reaction is condoning her behavior.  Rest assured, she knows it's not okay. She came to me tonight and apologized (a heartfelt apology) for being rude and hitting me. She tried to downplay it by saying, "I didn't mean to hit you, I just wanted you to stop talking."  I called her on that, but gently.  "Yes, you did mean to hit me because you were embarrassed and angry. You know that's not okay.  We need to find a better way to tell me I'm embarrassing you.  Maybe we can come up with a signal you can use."  TK agreed to think about it. I'm sure we'll come up with something.

So I'm sitting here wondering why I'm not more appalled when she hits/kicks/is rude.  It's not because I think it's okay. It may be partly because compared to what used to happen, this is nothing.  It may be because (to give myself credit) I know being appalled doesn't solve anything. Reacting in the moment doesn't solve anything. Expressing how hurt and embarrassed I am in that moment doesn't solve anything.  

I remind myself that not reacting to behavior doesn't mean accepting it.  TK has reached the point of maturity where she will, without prompting, feel regret and apologize for her loss of control.  I DO wish I could wave a magic wand or just yell "You can't DO that!" and it would stop.  Sadly that won't work.  What works is what has worked so far.....consistent, unfailing love, analyzing the behavior after everyone is calm, discussing new alternatives, and being grateful that we are making progress.  

I had a friend tell me I was just making excuses for TK by saying it didn't happen that often.  I told her that statement was more for me than anyone else.  I remember the time when massive meltdowns with things being thrown (at me and in general), hitting, screaming, and slamming doors happened multiple times in a day.  The fact that TK has much more control over her emotions and actions is a victory that cannot be understated.  It has taken us years of tears, prayers, and brutally hard work to get to this place where "it doesn't happen that often", so I will celebrate that.  I will celebrate even more when we get to the place where "that never happens anymore."  I believe we will get there.  

So grant me the grace of compassion when you see TK lose it.  It is a journey, and yes, we have come miles down the healing road.  But the journey is long, and there will be setbacks on the way.  I expect them, but they often still surprise me. I don't welcome them, but I know we will come out the other side.  I promise to grant you the same grace when your TK comes undone.  You will see it in my compassionate smile and my nod to you that says, "Hang in there, Trauma Mama, you are doing a great job." Know I am not making judgments about how "I can't believe you're letting your TK get away with that."  There are plenty of others who will make those judgments, and many of them will share that with you.  Try to extend grace to those who proffer those opinions, knowing they don't understand the healing process for TKs.

Sending you grace for your moments, whether they "don't happen that often" or you're still in the walking on eggshells mode.  Try to ignore the folks who tell you you're enabling bad behavior, letting your TK rule the roost, etc.  Parenting a TK is a different journey than parenting a non-TK.  Trauma healing is truly the journey of a lifetime.  There's no map and you will often feel lost, but you keep on going because the destination is beautiful.