What is WRONG with her/you?

I've heard this question a few times over the last few weeks.  "What is wrong with her? Is it ADD/ADHD/RAD?"  No, it's Trauma.  It may manifest itself as other things, but the "problem" is trauma, plain and simple.  

At times it looks like ADD.  When TK is stressed, she cannot focus. A brain that is scared cannot apply logic/focus/rational thinking.

At times it looks like ADHD.  TK regulates through movement, so when she is overwhelmed/dysregulated, she will jump/walk/wiggle.  We have been on the trampoline between 3-5 times every day for the last week. I know TK is dysregulated. This constant need for motion is a huge indicator of dysregulation.

At times it looks like RAD.  When TK is really dysregulated, she will reject everyone around her.  This is typical TK behavior - I will reject you before you reject me.  This is NOT RAD, it's survival.  In our case I have learned that almost EVERY meltdown we have goes back to TK thinking she is being rejected.  Spelling words shredded?  TK's thought process was likely this: "Now she will think I'm stupid because I got two words in a row wrong.  I AM stupid because I got two words wrong. I'm too stupid to be loved. I am not lovable. I am not loved."

So what is "wrong" with her is that no one picked her up more than once a day for the first year of her life. What is "wrong"with her is how she was treated in an eastern European orphanage and what happened to her there (which I try not to think about).  What is "wrong" with her is that she cried for hours and no one comforted her. What is "wrong" with her is people who stand in judgment and do their best to make her feel "less than".  What is wrong with her? Nothing.  She is strong and courageous and resilient and compassionate.

The follow on to this question is "what is wrong with you?  How can you let her talk to that way/kick you/tear up her work/interrupt/hang on you?"  This is not really a question; it's judgment.  But I always answer the same way.  "This is how we deal with trauma. It works for us."  

What is "wrong" with me is I have fought this war against trauma for 6 years with no break. What is "wrong" with me is I will not sacrifice our family's peace and growth to meet your ideas of what is "right".  What is "wrong" with me is I will sacrifice my friendships if that's what is needed to keep TK safe.  What is wrong with me?  Nothing, I am strong and courageous and resilient and compassionate.....just like my daughter.