This blog was going to be all about the changing face of trauma, detailing how we no longer had screaming/crying jags with slamming doors and torn papers......until we did. As always, trauma keeps me humble by shattering my "certainties" and perceptions.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the changing face of trauma. We have (for the most part) moved beyond heart-wrenching sobs and level 4 meltdowns, replete with slamming doors and things being hurled/torn/broken. TK's trauma now shows itself far more internally.......upset stomach (to the point of vomiting), inability to sleep, and other far more insidious manifestations. The good news is we have set the stage for communication (and it has, hallelujah, worked!). TK has decided that she needs to talk about her day to "process out the nerves". Talking, peppermint tea, and meditations for anxiety and sleep help.....sometimes. I am thrilled that the tears and prayers and years of talking about her feelings and being accepting of them without judgment has resulted in her knowing she can talk to me about her feelings now. (Granted, she is still a tween and not yet a bona fide teenager, so I'm sure some shutdown will be coming.)
I'm not sure this manifestation of trauma is better than the previous. You'd think it would be easier, but it's just different. It requires many of the same skills, but mostly it requires patience and compassion.....listening to the same worries, same frustrations, and same feelings of insecurity and unworthiness day after day (after day after day after day......) There are some nights when TK starts talking about her day and the seemingly endless drama with a particular classmate that I want to put the pillow over my head and scream, because I've heard it all a million times. One day I offered a solution (trauma fail!) and she called me on it immediately. "Mom, I don't want your suggestions, I just want you to listen!" Letting our TKs work out their challenges can be exhausting, because it can take so long for them to get to a place of regulation where they can even BEGIN to think about solutions. Staying in that place of compassion and just hearing them often takes every iota of patience you have (and a few you have to mortgage from tomorrow). They do eventually get to problem-solving, but, as always, you have to get through the trauma junk first - the "everyone hates me, I'm not likable/lovable, I'm stupid, everyone thinks everything is always my fault". I realize these are easily attributable to tween angst as well, but the TK takes them to the most illogical conclusion so rapidly it makes your head spin. "I got in an argument with a friend today" turns into "I'll never have a friend again and everyone hates me; I have been totally rejected" in a minute or less. And everyone around them is stunned when they go off the deep end and start screaming over a "silly argument". They don't realize that your TK is now convinced they are totally rejected and alone. Normal tween angst doesn't end in that conclusion.
We haven't cracked the nut on how to handle this new manifestion of trauma. I'm working on building a new toolbox. It will contain those all purpose tools of compassion and listening, and we've added in meditation. TK still has many nights where she feels like she's going to throw up (though she hasn't in a while, so I guess we're making progress), and every so often she will even wake up in the middle of the night feeling that way, so obviously we haven't found the complete tool-set yet. And maybe we won't, and I'll do my best to be okay with that. As I keep reminding myself, Heather Forbes says, "Sometimes the growth is in the struggle." I find it harder to watch TK struggle this way than the nuclear meltdowns (and we had one of those tonight....so I have a legit comparison!).
I am so grateful for the grace that has taken us to the point where TK communicates openly and freely. Find your successes and claim the grace in them, Trauma Mamas. You'll need them on this changing, challenging journey.
As for the epic meltdown/trauma flashback....well that gives me something to blog about tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment