This past weekend was my Adventure weekend - just me and a bunch of Girl Scout leaders ziplining, tree climbing, doing the high ropes, canoeing, etc. Fri evening through Sunday afternoon- only grownups acting like kids. That was the plan........
Trauma Kid (TK) has been, no surprise, anxious about my trip. We've talked about the plan a lot the last 3 weeks. She was going to stay with our Dear Friend (DF), who is more aunt than friend to her. DF's family had plans to surround TK with love and fun so she would be okay. A few nights before the trip, DF came over for dinner and we 3 discussed the trip and any concerns TK had. TK told DF, "I just don't totally trust you yet." DF didn't react (kudos!) but she and I discussed it later after I talked with TK about it. TK told me what she meant....."Mom, Ms. M (her friend/therapist with whom she stayed last year) couldn't handle it when I had a complete fear breakdown, so how can I expect DF to handle it?" DF has never seen/been part of a full-fledged trauma meltdown. She has seen bits of them and has learned a lot, but she hasn't had to deal head on with the complete fear that overtakes TK sometimes. I told TK she was older, more capable of handling her fears, better able to express her needs, and I had confidence she'd be fine. She did mention multiple times that she wished I weren't going, but she never asked me not to go. Compared to the hours of sobbing and pleading last year, this was huge.
Two days before my trip I ducked into the Walk in clinic and confirmed my fears - I have shingles. Knowing this was just the beginning of it, odds were the pain would increase significantly over the next few days. So I decided to wait and go to the camp early Sat AM. Friday I slept in my own comfy bed, medicated for pain. Early Sat DF came over and I headed out. TK wouldn't give me a kiss but said, "Bye, Mom." I expected this....I was just happy she didn't freak.
Saturday was a much toned down experience from the previous year. Between the shingles pain and the fact that the harness for ziplining and other adventure things would rub right on the blisters, I switched to things like screen printing, tie dying and archery. It was still fun to hang with the friends I made last year, but the pain was definitely hampering my fun a lot. I talked to TK during the day and she was having a blast.
Sat about 9PM my phone rang...it was TK, in tears. 'It's too hard, Mom. I'm too scared without you here. I can't do this." I asked her if she'd told DF how she felt, and she said no, she was embarrassed to be crying like a baby and was afraid DF (and another friend who was spending the night) would think she was dumb. We talked for about 15 minutes and she couldn't get regulated. She wasn't panic-stricken, but she was definitely starting to come unglued a bit. I decided to drive home that night.
Should I have stayed? Maybe. If I had felt better I probably would have pushed it, but honestly I was hurting like crazy and not thrilled about sleeping on an old saggy cot with the "snoring bear" (as my roommates deemed one of our bunkmates) close by. I also knew if I pushed her and stayed that she would be okay, but she would be mad at DF and that might damage their relationship. The relationship with DF and her family (our family now) is precious, and I didn't want TK questioning it. So I bailed. I was only a little resentful (we didn't get to do our bridge bounce, planned for the next AM), but I was okay with taking the easy way out. I think it was best for TK and DF, and possibly for me (though a kid free morning would have been nice!).
So my 3 day adventure turned into 1 less-than-adventure-filled day. As usual, being a trauma mama means being flexible. Perhaps I am too flexible sometimes. Perhaps I should push her further out of her comfort zone sometimes. But this was not the time. I didn't have the physical or emotional energy to deal with the fallout, and I couldn't risk TK's relationship with DF and fam.
Maybe next year I'll get the whole 3 days. A trauma mama can hope!
Give yourselves grace when you take the easy road, Trauma Mamas. There usually isn't one, so don't stress over picking that option when you can. My DF gave me the grace of telling me she trusted whatever decision I made because I knew what was best. You do too,trauma mamas. Trust yourself; trust your gut. Ignore the voices of the world that tell you your TK is "too old to act that way", "manipulating you to get her own way", or "spoiled." Your TK is learning to grow through her fear....that's a tall order. It's exhausting for both of you. So take a deep breath, enjoy the easy road when it appears, and know that you really do know what your TK needs.
Be strong, Trauma Mamas. Here's hoping your adventure plans go better than mine did!
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