Fear tsunami

This one hurts to write, but it's right in line with my promise to tell you the whole truth of being a trauma mama, so here goes. I will warn you it is even more convoluted than normal.

We are almost two weeks into summer "vacation".  TK is bored silly and lonely.  In truth we are both feeling isolated and out of sorts.  (I hate summer....it's the ultimate long break from school, and life devolves rapidly when we lose structure and exposure to friends on a regular basis).  TK isn't rife with friends, and the ones she has are either consumed with sports activities, traveling, in camp or geographically too far away to make frequent get-togethers infeasible.  Though she had a get together yesterday and had a fabulous time.

An aside, yet inherent to the story.....TK decided to quit the gymnastics team.  She has been getting more and more reluctant to go to practice, so I wasn't surprised.  She told me, "Mom, I'm the worst one on the team and I leave every practice feeling like a loser."  It's hard to push back against that.  So she quit. The downside of that is she lost that scheduled, regular social interaction.  That was a huge loss. I debated pushing her to stay until school started so she would have social time, but I could not envision fighting that battle three times a week knowing it was crushing her self esteem.  
 
So.......back to today's saga.

TK really REALLY wanted to go to an arcade she had been to at her get together yesterday (and she had been pretty successful.  TK would live in an arcade and think she had died and gone to heaven.)  She had some money left and wanted to spend it there. I advised against it but she insisted, so I decided some lessons must be learned the hard way.  She spent the first half of it and got bupkis, so I suggested saving the rest to spend elsewhere. She rejected that idea and spent it in the claw machine. She did win one thing she wanted.  As we left she said, "Mom, that was a really expensive pig."  I just nodded.  

On the way home she was sobbing in the car.  I told her I was sorry she hadn't won more, and she said, "That's not it. I wish I hadn't spent all my money for nothing."  I empathized, and she got immediately furious.  "Don't you have something else to say?"  I told her I was sorry she was sad.  "Aren't you going to tell me you'll give me the money I spent so I'm not sad?"  Ummmmm.....that would be no.  KABOOM!  "Worst mom ever, wish I had a rich mom who gave me whatever I wanted, I'm only 10 and don't have to learn about money yet, I don't even get an allowance because you think I should EARN my money which is STUPID."  There was more, but that gives you the gist.  

Other earlier conversations came into play. I had told her that for the rest of the summer I would get two days to decide what we did/where we went, etc, and the others would be what we normally did, which is collaborate driven largely by her whims.  The meltdown escalated into, "Why don't you just decide what we do every day? You don't even want me, just admit it." 

But I couldn't do it......I couldn't get into that warm and fuzzy place of empathy and compassion.  Why?  The ugly truth is my life isn't rife with friends either, and the ones I have I almost never get alone time with because TK is my constant sidekick.  She ranted at me about how I have friends and she doesn't, and it basically turned into a woe is me competition, with me yelling, "Too bad for you that your mom sucks. So sorry." (See, I told you  it was ugly).  It ended with both of us sobbing in our rooms.  And for the first time ever, I had a few minutes where I felt like she would be better off with a different mom.  It wasn't that I wished I didn't have her - I have never had that thought, not even in the worst of the worst.  But I honestly wondered if I could be what she needed.  Even thinking that broke my heart.  

She came out later and asked me why I was so upset. I tried to make her understand, which is not a good trauma response, but at that point my own trauma trumped hers, at least in my mind.  And I actually think that's okay.  Yes, she has trauma issues.  But so do other people, and at some point she will have to learn that hers don't always trump the day ---- even with mom.

She asked if we could go to some thrift stores to look for books she wanted (she had an IOU from me for some books), and I said yes. I got in the car still crying.  She asked me every few minutes, "Mom, are you feeling better yet? "  She apologized for making me cry, and said, "I never said you sucked, and I don't know why you keep yelling at me."  I told her it was a bad day for mom, and I'm sorry I yelled but sometimes my life is pretty hard too.  Then I told her I spent 99% of my time and energy trying to make her happy, and I know she's not but I don't know why, and that makes me feel like a bad mom.  I know it not's cool to dump your crud on your kid, but I wanted her to get it - that other people's challenges matter too, that she can't always be first, that mom is human and needs some compassion too.

I still don't know exactly why she is so unhappy.  I don't know if it's puberty, summer isolation, some hidden fear.......she was so negative and hateful at the beginning of her therapy session yesterday that she freaked out the therapist.  But the therapist was late and I'm not sure if some of it was just retaliation for that, because 15 minutes in she was sweetness and light. But hearing that from the therapist scared me.....is there some darkness/weight/sadness in her that I'm not seeing?  Is she really far less okay than I think?

I know I can't go there. Operating out of fear results in days like today - where things explode and everyone is a casualty.  But that fear has crept into my heart and put me on high alert.  TK told me she was not going back to the therapist, that she didn't like her anymore and she wasn't going to talk to anyone ever again about how she felt.  I freaked then tried to breathe, telling myself it's not until Wed, and this is not the first time she had made this declaration, so just let it go.

She took a new class tonight (trampoline) and I was so proud of her......it was at a new gym, new coaches, didn't know anyone there, and she did it - went out there and did her stuff. That took tremendous courage.  I see that and think, "surely she is in the same pretty good mental/emotional place she normally is."  Luckily drama camp starts next week- hopefully having some structure will help too.  

Bottom line - I am in the worst place to be with a TK - in a place of fear.  She gave me some grace when she kept asking me if I felt better, gave me a hug, said she loved me.  In an interesting paradox, those did not dent my fear level, which gives me insight into how she must feel sometimes when she is awash in fear and I try to ease it.  (Have to admit I didn't really want that insight, thanks.) Tonight was a very normal night, but I have my fear colored glasses on, so I am questioning everything.

Send some grace our way.  This too shall pass, but I will be on high alert for signs that something is not right (more not right than normal, that is). I will try to get myself out of this place of fear, for there is nothing good that can happen while I am here.  I'm honestly not sure how to get out of it, but I'll keep praying and trusting I will.  Grace will get me there.