DunDunDunDunDunDunDunDun.....It is worse than the film that kept you out of the ocean.....it is....
THE BEGINNING OF SUMMER VACATION!
Yep, it's the beginning of 11 weeks of trying to keep TK regulated without the comfort of the routine and predictability of school. And while she is thrilled to be out of school and free to do "whatever I want - whoo hoo!", I am trying to avert the incipient panic that always hits me when long stretches of unstructured time lie in front of us.
Transitions are hard for TKs. That's just a fact. And while they are not as hard as they were before, they are still hard. Transitioning from seeing your friends almost every day, having a structure, getting loved on by various teachers, and feeling successful at something to not having any of that is an abrupt shock to the system. And as we know (and if you don't, heed well), even good change is hard (which absolutely stinks, because it is so unfair that going on vacation guarantees a meltdown or two or thirty).
I admit I am setting myself up a bit. I know it, and I'm still doing it. Every year when school ends we have unlimited TV/computer/iPad for one week. Yes, this is not the best thing for a TK. It is both overstimulating and understimulating at the same time. Luckily TK gets bored with it so we intersperse it with trampoline (with Mom, of course), swimming (without Mom because the pool is still FREEZING), basketball, etc, so there is still some regulation through movement. So why, you ask, do I do it if I know it will discombobulate her? Because it makes the beginning of the transition easier. So when we are both floundering with the full stop of school, we get to have some space and time without being on top of each other. So yes, I will pay for it later, but in a week I'll be mentally ready (well,as ready as you ever are) for the drama. And I say that unashamedly....sometimes you are allowed to pick the path of least resistance. You can't be a hero every day, and that's okay.
We had an eventful start to our summer transition. A friend of ours with a Trauma Toddler (TT) had a child care crisis, and TK and I talked about how we could help. TK wanted us to babysit Fri (her first day off from school). I told her she'd have to get up early and she said we needed to do it, she understood him, she knew he was scared and she thought it would help if he was with us and not someone else. I was so proud of her. I told her I would have to lavish more attention on TT than on her, and she said okay. (I knew it wouldn't be that easy, but getting out of the comfort zone is a good thing as long as it is done carefully and knowing the aftermath is coming). Friday went well - she was so good with TT, and she was very pleased and proud of herself for sharing Mom. It was beautiful to see the compassion and grace coming from her. On to Friday night......a little aftermath. She had gymnastics and about 2/3 of the way through she came off the floor and said she needed to leave and started crying. So we left. When we got home, she sat next to me on the couch for 2 hours and snuggled while we watched TV. She ended up in my bed about 2 AM, which was not surprising. Not too bad so far, but I was pretty sure the storm was still brewing.
Sat AM (after an uneventful time at gymnastics) we went to Target to spend some birthday $ she had. She was a few cents short for what she wanted to buy. I asked her if she needed to ask me something (i.e., can I borrow 5 cents) but she said, "Never MIND!" and stomped over to the exit door. When we got to the car she started throwing things from the front seat to the back seat (these are the moments I need to remind myself that I am grateful she's not throwing them at me, but I didn't). I ditched Trauma Mama mode and went into Summer Panic mode. "I don't know what your problem is, but you can just get over your snit right now." (Imagine, that didn't work so well. Shocking, I know). I knew immediately I had not reacted in a regulated way that would make her feel understood and defuse things, but sometimes my brain just says, "Let's dance, Sister." We did regroup - she asked for a re-do as we left the library, and I said yes, of course. (I always say yes, but sometimes it takes me a good while to actually get to a re-do state). On the 25 minute ride home she was totally silent (not even Taylor Swift on the CD player, which is a rarity). I struggled to get into that place of compassion. After about 15 minutes, I took a deep mental breath and said, "I'm sorry you're upset. I wish I could just know what's in your head and your heart so I would know why you're upset, but I can't, so if you want me to know you have to tell me. If you don't want me to know, that's okay too. I love you." She didn't say anything, but about 5 minutes later she started talking about mundane stuff, so I knew we were back in regulation mode. Re-dos are definitely grace in action. They are so powerful, and so easy (and so hard) to do. I still don't know what was wrong. I am pretty certain the combo of trauma and puberty may put me in the loony bin, however.
A side note......when I mentioned to a group of friends that we were watching TT on Friday, they said things like, "Good, TK will get a taste of her own medicine." I did NOT use that opportunity for education. (I did later go into rant mode, though just in my head....."That is just ridiculous. Trauma is fear in action, not a 'I'm not getting my way so let me throw a tantrum' thing. Watching another kid have a trauma meltdown may be a cause for compassion and understanding but it is NOT a 'see how ridiculous you look when you do this' moment. There is no 'medicine' to be had here - there is just education and love.") It made me sad......obviously to them it's still a behavior issue and not a fear issue. I don't know how to convey that understanding. I'll keep working on that.
Give yourselves some extra grace for the summer, Trauma Mamas. It's most likely going to be a very bumpy ride. It's okay to take the easy way out sometimes, so give yourselves the permission to do that. Grab the small graces where you can. You're going to blow it - sometimes even on purpose. That's okay - give yourself a re-do when you need one. Only 77 days til school starts.......
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