No, I didn't know what a petard is, either, but I looked it up (a small bomb, affixed to a door in the past. The fuse was lit and the fuse lighter ran, but if he did not run fast enough he blew himself up. Just in case you wondered).
Love conquers fear. Trauma is basically fear in action. So love conquers trauma.....easy, right? (Give me a moment while I stop laughing). If only. We never lack for love in our house, but fear still rules the day sometimes. You all know fear has ruled my heart and our house the last two weeks. Luckily I am starting to shake it loose.
I received lots of grace this week when some friends who know us well heard me say a specific word that caught their attention. I said that TK was 20% frenetic, 60% normal and 20% depressed. The word "frenetic" was the key. Frenetic means TK is lacking connection; she is overwhelmed; she cannot self-regulate. Frenetic means fear is winning in her heart too. Frenetic means she needs me to pull her closer and, in spite of all the complaints and screaming "That's NOT what I need!", make our world smaller - limit stimuli, keep a regular schedule, keep interactions with others shorter than normal.......all things I did not want to do.
I tried taking the easy way out. I gave her the "first week of summer" free reign with electronics. And it was lovely. She spent hours in her room and I had peace and quiet....until I didn't. And the didn't so far outweighed the lovely that I am, in retrospect, wondering where I came up with that stupid in the first place. Surely after almost 6 years of this I know better! The easy way out never works. It is, indeed, a lovely thought that it would, and sometimes you have to hold onto that hope and run with it. And, like me, you will be surprised when it blows up in your face. (And, like me, you'll probably slap yourself in the head and say "duh.")
The reality is I knew this answer but ignored it for a few more days. I was just not ready to be full on trauma mama. It is exhausting and I needed a mental health year (sadly my year only lasted two weeks).
So we hit the brakes on electronics, upped the outside time, increased the mom/TK time, and things are improving a bit. Drama camp also started this week, so that's 2-1/2 hours a day of social interaction and being good at something, which helps. So what does our summer day look like? Drama camp, then home to swim, play basketball, jump on the trampoline, play games, watch a little TV, turn it off and play games, do puzzles, or read. But whatever we choose, we are in the same room....no more isolation.
It's a challenge. TK very much wants time in her room to herself, but right now I have to limit that to the bare minimum. As much as she wants it, that isolation feeds trauma. And as much as I want it, feeding trauma is like giving the gremlin food after midnight.......bad things happen.
Why, you wonder, did it take so long to figure out? Multiple reasons. First, I admit I was being lazy. I full-up own that. I was tired of playing trauma mama (May is always exhausting - Gotcha Day, birthday, visits from Grandma for those events, end of school - lots of good things that totally wreck the predictability and safety of our lives), so I took a break. Was it worth it? I'm not sure - right now I'd say no, but having hours where I could pretend I was alone was pretty nice. Second, I was so buried in the miasma of crud that I couldn't see out of the pit. And when I did peek out, I didn't like the view (i.e., the harsh reality that we had to get back to near constant togetherness for a while), so I ducked back in the pit.
I am grateful for the grace of those of you who told me what a good job I was doing (even though we both know I wasn't!). I started writing this blog to help others heal, but it heals me too.
Tonight TK told me, "Mom, we need go back to the school year rule of no electronics after 8, so let's turn off the TV and play." I admit a big part of me whined internally ("We spent 2-1/2 hours in the pool and an hour on the trampoline, and I don't want to play school."), but I did it. And we had a peaceful bedtime. HALLELUJAH! Yesterday was the first day we didn't have any screaming (from either of us).....today marked day 2. I am VERY grateful for that grace.
Don't beat yourselves up when you take a breather, trauma mamas. Just own it, take a deep breath, move on and fix it. You know what to do. And not wanting/being able to do it sometimes is okay. The love is always there. And yeah, you'll blow it on occasion. Sometimes you'll even blow it on purpose. But the grace to try again when you're ready is always there. Hold onto that grace.....some days it's your only life raft. Grace and love are enough.
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