As you read, the first two weeks of summer torture (aka summer vacation to the non trauma folks) were horrible. I was pretty sure one or both of us would need to be heavily medicated to survive the rest of summer.
The next two weeks were pretty good. The primary reason is we had things scheduled. TK had drama camp in the morning for two weeks (which she loved) and art camp one week in the afternoon. So she got structure, mental stimulation, and social time with peers. I also greatly limited screen time and focused on really connecting with her (which, let's face it, is easier when I got a little time away from her).
This week is the first of two weeks of nothing on the agenda. I've come at it from a different perspective - planning something for each day, limiting screen time, making sure we play a lot. We did pretty well in the beginning of week 1 of this 2 week lull. A friend has two litters of kittens that we've been socializing and helping with, so there has been the happiness that comes from helping and from loving on baby kittens. We hit the museum and checked out a new library one day, had an (indoor) skateboarding competition (gotta love wood floors), played capture the flag (also inside), and broke out lots of board games and puzzles.
Today, however....not so great. We had a great start - a repeat skateboarding competition, more capture the flag, made a photo book of TK and her favorite stuffed critter (lots of silly poses, captions, etc), then I let her watch some movies while I mowed the lawn and did some necessary outside chores (in the oppressively hot weather....felt like 106 out there). When I came in I got cleaned up and sat down to chill out. TK came out and asked her favorite stuffed critter (FSC) to make up a game. (FSC's voice is of course mine, so this was in essence asking me to make up a game.) FSC declined. BOOM! TK started screaming hateful things at FSC and yelling at him to be mean back to her. FSC refused to be mean back, which fanned the flames. After about 5 minutes FSC went silent and TK stormed off to her room. She came out a few minutes later and apologized to FSC, then repeated her request for him to make up a game. (It was now 10 minutes before bedtime). FSC countered with the offer of a board game or card game. Nope. TK went off again, threatening FSC with the trash can, packing him up and sending him away, ripping his head off. FSC again refused to engage, just kept telling TK he loved her and wouldn't be mean to her. TK again storms off to her room and comes out in a few minutes to apologize.
A few minutes later she starts sobbing. "When I begged you not to go to Girl Scout camp, you went anyway. I BEGGED you and you left me." (SERIOUSLY? This was 2 months ago!) I reminded her that she had fun while I was away. (Yeah, in retrospect I blew it. I was trying to be rational in the face of a trauma meltdown. But honestly I just wanted this to be over so I could get her in bed). What ensued was a melange of calm, tears, screaming, frustration, and futility. I was hellbent on making her understand that I need some time to be with adults and be more than just Mom, and she was equally hellbent on.....oh, I have no idea what she was hellbent on. She was obviously feeling rejected and unimportant. ("Just pack me off whenever you want and you can pretend you don't even HAVE a kid!" "Next year you are NOT going and that's final!") I was far too much in my "Life isn't all about you, Missy!" mindset to respond appropriately.
I finally just shut it down and packed her off to bed. She sobbed for a while as I read, then she calmed down and we ended up okay.
I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I strongly suspect I will wake up with a sense of dread and panic. I know she needs structure, but our funds are severely limited so I can't provide a never ending stream of camps. And she wouldn't go, anyway. Unfortunately we don't have the neighborhood that's full of kids to play with, and we are still considered "problematic" from past trauma meltdowns. Part of me thinks I should go back to work full time (even though it would physically not be feasible....there are still many days I am in significant pain and when I worked two or three days at school I was done in for days afterward). But the thought of the structure and social interaction of child care is honestly appealing (and let's be real, not being 24/7 mom is appealing too).
As always, there's no easy answer. We have a great fun trip planned with good friends (one for her, one for me) in early July, so I think we will both get what we need from that. Then there's basketball camp for a week, then we will head to the beach for a week (to my mom's - a 10 hour drive followed by days of three of us in a small condo.....stressful, to say the least, but at least it's a change of venue). By the time we get home we will have about 2 weeks until school starts.
We can get through this. I just wish it was easier. Luckily we have the graces of a new day, a re-do, and unconditional love to get us through.
Hang in there, Trauma Mamas.......school is coming!
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