It's a small, small world

Those of you who have been following my blog for a bit know how I feel about breaks - they are challenges to be endured with occasional spates of joy.  It is like riding a roller coaster backward in the dark....you have no idea what's coming next, and you're not sure if you're going to laugh or scream, but odds are at some point you're going to do both.

Being proactive around periods of stress (like long breaks) is key with a TK.  One major step to this is making your world small. This means limiting outside things, keeping things simple, not a lot of people, not a lot of new experiences.  This provides stability and safety and limits the possibility of overwhelm for your TK.  The down side of this, especially for us, is it means LOTS of togetherness. We already have an overabundance of this in our house.  On a good day there are a few people TK feels safe with, but the kerfuffle at her old school ripped away that feeling of safety.   She doesn't trust her own judgment because people she trusted hurt her/rejected her.  So even those most trusted folks are under suspicion - who's going to ditch me next?  Who's going to decide I'm not worthy? 

This "small world" togetherness is compounded by the very real fact that we lead a pretty solitary life.  Not by choice, but the past has resulted in many "friends" ditching us, and TK's unpredictability has made me leery/nervous around potential new friends. That's a shortcoming on my part, and it's also a protection similar to TK's. We've had many (we thought) dear friends reject us after TK acted out, and we were both left reeling.  In my attempts to protect her, I have perhaps made her world too small, and certainly mine is.  

This is a paradox I'm not sure how to crack.  TK (and I) need a bigger circle, yet she is so afraid to be rejected that she acts in way that almost ensures rejection. And I am so desperate to avoid that fallout (and scarred by my own trauma stuff) that I tend to approach it from fear as well. 

Love conquers fear, and heaven knows we have an abundance of the former.  So with time, and grace, we will have less of the latter. 

This blog didn't exactly go where I thought it would.....that's what happens when you write from your heart.  So send us a little grace while we work on stamping out the fear and living only in the love. (And if you want to grab a cup of coffee or set up a playdate, call me!)