I was stunned......TK slept through the night last night - in her own bed - the night before the first official day at the new school. I thought that surely was a good omen. Silly me.
TK woke up and came out in the den, saying nothing. I, surprisingly given my lack of coffee and 19 days of nearly non-stop Mom/TK togetherness, was smart enough to say nothing as well. I made her lunch, got her breakfast - still silence. I notice she is sitting curled up in a ball. I tell myself it IS really cold in the den (and it is), but I feel the sense of foreboding building. TK gets up and goes to her room, where she climbs back in bed and pulls the blanket over her head. I seriously debate whether I want to go in the lion's den and decide I don't. Within 2 minutes I hear, "Well, are you coming?" Sigh. I shoot up a quick prayer for patience and head in. I sit on the chair and stare at the floor as she says, "I'm not going." I don't say anything (out loud. Inside I was screaming, "You have GOT to be kidding me. I've been waiting for this day for 19 days. You are going if I have to drag you there!") TK: "So, aren't you going to say anything?" Me: "I know it's a huge change and it's scary." TK: "It's not scary. I'm not a BABY! Quit treating me like I'm a baby." Me: silence. (I'm pretty sure the blood was dripping down my face from biting my lip, but I did it.....stayed silent and stared at the floor, just offering my presence.) TK: "I'm NOT GOING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" Me: (here comes the blowing it part): I leave the room, huffing and puffing and yelling, "Fine, just go back to your old school. Just pick a dumb school and get on with it!" (yeah, I know.......oops)
After a few minutes, TK comes out, more calmly: "Mom, it's too different. I am completely overwhelmed. I promise I will be ready tomorrow. I just need another day to talk it through with you and get myself ready. We didn't do that yesterday." (Good point. I was going at it from the "the less we talk about it the less nervous you'll get" mode.....or at least that's what I told myself. The real truth is I just didn't want the drama, so I didn't bring it up.)
So....critical decision point here. Do I make her go? That would violate her trust and most likely kill our communication for some amount of time. But I REALLY need a break, and I was so looking forward to having a day to myself. Do I let her stay home? Do I validate her feelings, show her she is more important than a day at school, make her feel safe and valued and heard?
Yep, I did the right thing. I called school and said she'd be there tomorrow, she and I went to the Adventure Science Center, jumped on the trampoline, talked about school fears and worries and plans to address them when we got there tomorrow....none of which I wanted to do, and all of which I honestly resented. But the desire to make my TK feel safe and treasured was stronger than my resentment, so it was okay.
So tomorrow we try again. And I really hope it works, because I honestly don't think I have the grace to have another non-school day!
TK asked to go to bed early tonight...can't decide if that's a good sign or a bad one, but I've decided to just enjoy the peace and quiet and worry about tomorrow when it comes.
Give yourself some grace for those oops moments, and congratulate yourself when the love and compassion override the "shoulds"....I should make her go to school; we should go visit x.....there are a million shoulds that will try to sway you. Be strong, and remember....nothing matters more than your relationship with your TK. Search for the grace to build that even when it's hard....especially when it's hard. Seeing TK giggle and be genuinely happy today was worth putting aside my "me time". On the whole, the good decisions outweighed the oops ones, so I'm calling it a successful day. Hopefully tomorrow will bring enough grace to give us another one. (And let's be real, hopefully tomorrow finds her at school!)
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