TK (Trauma Kid) is a freshman. School just started this week, and you can imagine the unrest. The anticipation (read anxiety) has been high. Because it's no fun if you don't really stir the pot, we also started going to a new church last month. These changes have, of course, sent TK akimbo. I foolishly never thought about how going to a new church (and to be honest TK hasn't been inside a church in years -another long story for a different day) would unsettle her. To me it is all good - making new friends, her getting to be part of a vibrant youth group of 200+ middle and high schoolers, getting closer to God, being involved in our community in a whole new way. But to her it's 200+ new chances for rejection.
She went to the first group meeting and had a blast. She came out laughing and talking about the nice people she'd met. But of course in the 7 days until the next meeting, her anxiety kicked in. "What if they all already have friends and don't want to include me? What if I"m not "churchy" enough? What if I look stupid when we have worship?" Tuesday night (youth group is Wed) she told youth group was stupid and she wasn't going. Luckily I've been on this ride for many years so I knew that was just one hill in the roller coaster. Last night (wed) she told me she really wanted to go but she was really tired from the first week of school. Maybe next week......
We were a dear friend's house Tuesday night. She has a daughter close to TK's age, and they enjoy being together - usually. However, I watched TK devolve into a rude, mean, demanding, self-centered person as my friend and I were talking and not including her. To be honest, I didn't pay it much mind except to be embarrassed by her behavior. But this so normal that I didn't really give it a second thought.....which is actually really sad. I watched TK alienate her friend and push buttons to get attention and some part of me thought that was normal. My friend, who speaks completely from a place of love, mentioned that it was hard to watch TK be so rude and disrespectful to me. Honestly, I hadn't paid much mind to that either. I always lean toward the "you should see how it USED to be...this is infinitely better" mindset. But it gave me pause. I fear I have taught TK that her behavior is acceptable. In choosing my battles, perhaps I've chosen far too few.
Yes, there are a million valid reasons why I chose the battles I did: I'm her only safe person so I can't cross that line; mental and emotional exhaustion....you Trauma Mamas know the list because you live it. But I can't help wondering if a lot of it is just "it's easier to let it go". But that's a huge disservice too, because I now have a teenager who thinks that behavior is okay.
We have hit the point where her therapist tells me to not take on her feelings. When they're little, they have to be able to hand their feelings to you because it's too much for them to carry. But as they get older, they are capable of carrying these unpleasant feelings. The challenge is the transition. When TK tries to foist her anger (i.e., fear) on me I just respond blandly, "Oh." That makes her incredibly angry, so the wheels come off her bus and I try my best to keep the wheels on mine. I know she is utterly confused at the change. Inevitably she grows from it, but it is brutal in the meantime.
I am devastated watching TK self-sabotage any friendship she has. I get it.....the possibility of getting hurt is incredibly scary, so she resorts to her "I'll decide I don't like you and push you until you don't like me. Then I can say I was right and you weren't a good friend." The weird part is she is so thoughtful and empathetic to strangers. She is the first one to run to hold a door for a mom with a stroller, help someone put their groceries in their car, and she's amazing with the differently abled kids at school. But whenever someone starts to get close, her fear takes over. You can literally watch her personality change from considerate girl to all out mean girl. That kills me. I've watched her do it a million times and I don't know how to help her get past it.
A few weeks ago we went through all the paperwork I had from her adoption. One piece showed that her birth mother had her for ten days before she surrendered her. I know that was devastating for her. On some level I can only imagine that feels like "it was personal. She didn't want ME"...not that she couldn't take care of any baby. We've been talking a lot about her birth parents (unfortunately we know nothing about birth dad). Her amazing therapist is also adopted, so that is a gift.
This is such a season of struggle for her, and having good friends (whether they get it or not) would boost her self-esteem and make it easier to carry the load of "why wasn't I good enough? Who am I really?" I am helpless to help her.
I am trying to give myself grace for where we are right now. I've played the "should have" game the last few days, and I'm trying to remember that at every moment I did the best I could. I hate seeing her stuck....and knowing she's the only one who can get herself unstuck. But fear is so powerful.
Give yourselves grace, Trauma Mamas, when you get into the should have game. As the amazing Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better." We have all done the best we could every moment---even when it didn't seem very good. This battle is ongoing, and we are all mighty warriors for our trauma kids. Never forget that you fight the good fight every day....no matter how tired, no matter how broken you feel, you just keep marching. You are amazing, Trauma Mamas.
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