Down the Rabbit Hole

It has been an exceptionally challenging few weeks here.  Generally, the new school has been good, and on the whole TK is less stressed, more outwardly loving, more relaxed.  So it seems an oxymoron that we are regularly going down the rabbit hole.

Truthfully it's me.....TK's trauma behaviors have not changed that much, if at all, but I am utterly intolerant of them right now.  I'm struggling to figure out why, and I've made some headway, I think. Some of it is fear.  I have spent so long not fighting the small battles (e.g., letting her "win") that I fear she is turning into a self-centered, greedy kid.  It's such a difficult line.  It truly is not worth fighting battles over most of the trauma behaviors, and I know that trauma behavior is not manipulative, it is fear based, but even I wonder sometimes.....not so much about the potential manipulation, but the impact of the outcome. Does TK think she should always get her way because I don't fight those battles?  Or am I just suffering from a severe case of burnout? (Probably the latter.  The reality is I haven't been away from TK for more than 16 hours in almost 5 years. I desperately need to be away long enough to miss her, but while our support system is slooowly improving, I don't see how the logistics can work out for that.  But I need it. I know it.)

The other factor is probably my own crud.  Heather Forbes says our trauma kids point out our own brokenness, and this is definitely true in my case.  I have been attacking my own brokenness for the last year, and have made headway, but there is still definitely work to be done.  So when TK gets "greedy, self-centered", it pushes all my "unworthy, not valuable" buttons.  I have prayed a lot lately about sharing some of that journey. It is so integral to what happens with TK.  I have written some poems (my form of journaling) I call "Modern Psalms for the Journey", and they are, to quote Glennon Melton (Momastery), "brutiful".  While my journey is not TK's, it certainly affects her.  In truth, she inspired me to take my own journey to healing.  I realized I could not get her further in her healing until I got myself healed (or at least on the path).  So TK is the catalyst for making life better, making myself stronger, and healing our family.  I'll keep praying about sharing that.....feel free to weigh in.  

How do I stop going down the rabbit hole with TK when there is no break in sight?  And, heaven help me, summer is two short months away.  PANIC!  Honest answer - I have no idea.  But with God's mercy and a heaping helping of grace, we'll make it through this rough patch just as we have all the others.  

I am grateful for His grace every day. And I am grateful that no matter how far down the rabbit hole we go, we always apologize and move forward.

I've been putting notes in TK's lunchbox every day called "things I love about TK".  One day I wrote "I love how you are willing to forgive. It takes a lot of courage to let go of hurts. I am so proud that you are willing to have re-dos."   Later that day all hades broke loose.  In the aftermath, TK gave me a note that said: "Things I love about Mom.  She loves me even when she's angry with me.  Can we have a re-do?"  

That was grace in action.  Moments like that remind me that I'm doing some part of this right, and for that I am grateful.

Hang tight to grace, trauma mamas.  Some days it's all that gets us through.