TK (Trauma Kid) is a freshman. School just started this week, and you can imagine the unrest. The anticipation (read anxiety) has been high. Because it's no fun if you don't really stir the pot, we also started going to a new church last month. These changes have, of course, sent TK akimbo. I foolishly never thought about how going to a new church (and to be honest TK hasn't been inside a church in years -another long story for a different day) would unsettle her. To me it is all good - making new friends, her getting to be part of a vibrant youth group of 200+ middle and high schoolers, getting closer to God, being involved in our community in a whole new way. But to her it's 200+ new chances for rejection.
She went to the first group meeting and had a blast. She came out laughing and talking about the nice people she'd met. But of course in the 7 days until the next meeting, her anxiety kicked in. "What if they all already have friends and don't want to include me? What if I"m not "churchy" enough? What if I look stupid when we have worship?" Tuesday night (youth group is Wed) she told youth group was stupid and she wasn't going. Luckily I've been on this ride for many years so I knew that was just one hill in the roller coaster. Last night (wed) she told me she really wanted to go but she was really tired from the first week of school. Maybe next week......
We were a dear friend's house Tuesday night. She has a daughter close to TK's age, and they enjoy being together - usually. However, I watched TK devolve into a rude, mean, demanding, self-centered person as my friend and I were talking and not including her. To be honest, I didn't pay it much mind except to be embarrassed by her behavior. But this so normal that I didn't really give it a second thought.....which is actually really sad. I watched TK alienate her friend and push buttons to get attention and some part of me thought that was normal. My friend, who speaks completely from a place of love, mentioned that it was hard to watch TK be so rude and disrespectful to me. Honestly, I hadn't paid much mind to that either. I always lean toward the "you should see how it USED to be...this is infinitely better" mindset. But it gave me pause. I fear I have taught TK that her behavior is acceptable. In choosing my battles, perhaps I've chosen far too few.
Yes, there are a million valid reasons why I chose the battles I did: I'm her only safe person so I can't cross that line; mental and emotional exhaustion....you Trauma Mamas know the list because you live it. But I can't help wondering if a lot of it is just "it's easier to let it go". But that's a huge disservice too, because I now have a teenager who thinks that behavior is okay.
We have hit the point where her therapist tells me to not take on her feelings. When they're little, they have to be able to hand their feelings to you because it's too much for them to carry. But as they get older, they are capable of carrying these unpleasant feelings. The challenge is the transition. When TK tries to foist her anger (i.e., fear) on me I just respond blandly, "Oh." That makes her incredibly angry, so the wheels come off her bus and I try my best to keep the wheels on mine. I know she is utterly confused at the change. Inevitably she grows from it, but it is brutal in the meantime.
I am devastated watching TK self-sabotage any friendship she has. I get it.....the possibility of getting hurt is incredibly scary, so she resorts to her "I'll decide I don't like you and push you until you don't like me. Then I can say I was right and you weren't a good friend." The weird part is she is so thoughtful and empathetic to strangers. She is the first one to run to hold a door for a mom with a stroller, help someone put their groceries in their car, and she's amazing with the differently abled kids at school. But whenever someone starts to get close, her fear takes over. You can literally watch her personality change from considerate girl to all out mean girl. That kills me. I've watched her do it a million times and I don't know how to help her get past it.
A few weeks ago we went through all the paperwork I had from her adoption. One piece showed that her birth mother had her for ten days before she surrendered her. I know that was devastating for her. On some level I can only imagine that feels like "it was personal. She didn't want ME"...not that she couldn't take care of any baby. We've been talking a lot about her birth parents (unfortunately we know nothing about birth dad). Her amazing therapist is also adopted, so that is a gift.
This is such a season of struggle for her, and having good friends (whether they get it or not) would boost her self-esteem and make it easier to carry the load of "why wasn't I good enough? Who am I really?" I am helpless to help her.
I am trying to give myself grace for where we are right now. I've played the "should have" game the last few days, and I'm trying to remember that at every moment I did the best I could. I hate seeing her stuck....and knowing she's the only one who can get herself unstuck. But fear is so powerful.
Give yourselves grace, Trauma Mamas, when you get into the should have game. As the amazing Maya Angelou said, "When you know better, you do better." We have all done the best we could every moment---even when it didn't seem very good. This battle is ongoing, and we are all mighty warriors for our trauma kids. Never forget that you fight the good fight every day....no matter how tired, no matter how broken you feel, you just keep marching. You are amazing, Trauma Mamas.
Thursday, August 15, 2019
Friday, November 23, 2018
Keeping it real - really really real
This will be a different post today, Trauma Mamas. I've always tried to keep it real, but this time I'm going hard core reality. I'm doing this in the hope, as always, that it touches someone's heart and makes them feel less alone, less misunderstood, less rejected. But this post will be about me, the Trauma Mama, and not the Trauma Kid.
For most of my adult life I have dealt with chronic illness and/or chronic pain .... endometriosis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, lyme disease and babesia.....and other mystery pain of unknown origin. I spent years on hard core opiates - including wearing a morphine patch for 5 years. I was always closely supervised by a legit pain clinic but those drugs were the only reason I functioned for many years. Pain, in varying degrees, has been a part of my daily life for over 25 years. I can hide it better than most people, and very few, if any, can tell when I'm really hurting. When pain is your reality you just deal with it. I firmly believe sitting around feeling miserable and sorry for yourself is a waste of time.
I adopted my amazing, beautiful, courageous TK from Russia when she was one. We have battled trauma, attachment and mental health issues since she was 4. I have always been an army of one. My support system is......me. Feel free to chime in on how unhealthy that is.....I know. But for a variety of reasons (primarily a world that doesn't understand the impacts of trauma and thus rejects our TKs, blame our parenting for the problems, and writes us off) that has been our reality.
Her emotional challenges and my physical challenges have, many times, put us in financial straits. I am unable to work full time (or even really part time if there's a schedule attached) because I never know when the Lyme disease will flare up to make me barely functional. Our house is a mess (I'm ignoring my need to defend myself and focusing on being real). Our front garden looks like the Clampetts moved in (google it if you're too young to catch the reference!) unless I go hog wild and rip everything out (which has happened but the dang stuff grows back). The list of projects to be done in the house is ridiculous, but always a casualty of either finances or energy.
This isn't a poor me post. But it is an attempt to remind all of us that we don't know what goes on behind someone's doors- either of their house, their heart, or their mind. That's why we need to extend grace with abandon. Your challenges are different from mine, but no less real and no less consuming. I will always try to meet you with grace. Pay the grace forward, my friends. Heaven knows we all need it.
To my non-trauma mama friends.....we need your abundant grace as well. We trauma mamas are often exhausted and/or overwhelmed. But we keep plugging because our trauma kids, while challenging, are also incredibly brave, resilient, amazing humans who have made our lives and our hearts infinitely more full. We don't ask for sympathy, just understanding.....and grace.....that above all.
For most of my adult life I have dealt with chronic illness and/or chronic pain .... endometriosis, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, lyme disease and babesia.....and other mystery pain of unknown origin. I spent years on hard core opiates - including wearing a morphine patch for 5 years. I was always closely supervised by a legit pain clinic but those drugs were the only reason I functioned for many years. Pain, in varying degrees, has been a part of my daily life for over 25 years. I can hide it better than most people, and very few, if any, can tell when I'm really hurting. When pain is your reality you just deal with it. I firmly believe sitting around feeling miserable and sorry for yourself is a waste of time.
I adopted my amazing, beautiful, courageous TK from Russia when she was one. We have battled trauma, attachment and mental health issues since she was 4. I have always been an army of one. My support system is......me. Feel free to chime in on how unhealthy that is.....I know. But for a variety of reasons (primarily a world that doesn't understand the impacts of trauma and thus rejects our TKs, blame our parenting for the problems, and writes us off) that has been our reality.
Her emotional challenges and my physical challenges have, many times, put us in financial straits. I am unable to work full time (or even really part time if there's a schedule attached) because I never know when the Lyme disease will flare up to make me barely functional. Our house is a mess (I'm ignoring my need to defend myself and focusing on being real). Our front garden looks like the Clampetts moved in (google it if you're too young to catch the reference!) unless I go hog wild and rip everything out (which has happened but the dang stuff grows back). The list of projects to be done in the house is ridiculous, but always a casualty of either finances or energy.
This isn't a poor me post. But it is an attempt to remind all of us that we don't know what goes on behind someone's doors- either of their house, their heart, or their mind. That's why we need to extend grace with abandon. Your challenges are different from mine, but no less real and no less consuming. I will always try to meet you with grace. Pay the grace forward, my friends. Heaven knows we all need it.
To my non-trauma mama friends.....we need your abundant grace as well. We trauma mamas are often exhausted and/or overwhelmed. But we keep plugging because our trauma kids, while challenging, are also incredibly brave, resilient, amazing humans who have made our lives and our hearts infinitely more full. We don't ask for sympathy, just understanding.....and grace.....that above all.
Monday, November 12, 2018
trip wires
It's been a really challenging few months. I was recently diagnosed with Lyme and Babesia (basically a co-infection that makes symptoms worse), and the treatment is long and improvements are slooooow. Trauma Kid (TK) also started on antidepressants. I agonized over this decision, but I've seen some improvements (and some days where she seems worse than ever).....I guess the jury is still out.
The antidepressant ride has been akin to the Tower of Terror....you know, the one where you plunge straight down, bounce up, plunge down some more, repeat. That's very much what it's been like in our house the last three weeks. So far TK has tried two different meds, with dose tweaks. The first one yielded results but left TK really fatigued. The second one makes her less tired, but she is all over the map right now. Tonight was a night filled with trip wires.
TK has noticed she's happier when she spends less time on her phone. Since we changed meds she is either really happy or really withdrawn. I reminded TK she was happier when she put her phone down. BANG - Trip wire #1 set off. That lit off the 10 minute argument of how mean I was because I told her she had to do chores, how I never appreciate anything she does, etc. I reminded her I said thank you regularly. BANG - Trip wire #2. She told me thank you is meaningless to her generation. (I should get points for not laughing. It helped that I was royally pissed off.) I explained that thank you meant something to me, so when I said it I meant is as true appreciation. Of course that was met with, "Well it doesn't mean anything to me so you need to say something different."
BANG - Trip wire #3 (and that one was obviously set on a timer, because nothing specific set it off). "Every time I try to do something nice for you you either won't let me or you screw it up." I hear this one a lot, and I have yet to figure out what is behind it. She'll say she offered me water and I said no thanks, I already had some. Ditto a snack or anything. Then she asked me (yelled) "what do you want me to do?" I told her I wanted her to do her (expletive deleted) chores. BANG - Trip wire #4. "You don't know how much I already do around here; you expect me to do everything, etc, etc". That part to me seems like normal teenager stuff. I told her it was simple - no chores, no allowance. That got the usual teenager moans - "You're mean. You're nicer to everyone but me. You never do anything nice for me. You need to figure out why you're so mean."
Trip wire #5 was randomly set off as she was on a roll. "You can't make me take medicine. You can't make me go to a counselor. You can't make me do anything." (This belligerent, confrontational rant happened frequently before she started the antidepressant, so the fact that it came back makes me think we need to switch.) Not long after this she headed to her room, where I heard lots of things getting tossed around (I haven't looked yet), so it feels like we've lost whatever headway we had made. I hate hate hate that she feels so out of control again that it manifests physically. I can't imagine how scary it is for her to feel so overwhelmed that the only release is destruction.
But the part that really stumps me in all this is why everything in her mind is a competition with me. If I say I'm tired she blows up about how she was up with the dog two nights in a row and school is so hard, etc. I told her I wasn't saying I was more tired than she was or that she wasn't tired, it was just a statement of fact about how I was feeling. Often she'll tell me she doesn't care how I feel. I've heard that so often I'm immune to it. That is the ultimate defense mechanism for her. I think it comes from the place of "I'm so overwhelmed with my feelings and fears that I cannot absorb anyone else's feelings." Almost any comment I make about myself, my wellbeing, or something I've done somehow threatens her and she goes into full-on defensive (which for TK means aggressive) mode. I've tried to get to get to the core of this one and it still confounds me. It's exhausting. Sometimes it feels like I have to be a ghost of myself to keep her feeling safe. That's not feasible and it's not going to happen, but I can't figure out how to open to door to the road to healing that part of her that feels threatened. And I fundamentally cannot understand where it comes from. Usually I can work my way to a root cause, and then I can at least begin to understand it.
So here I sit, trying to decide if tonight was a bad med reaction, if we need to change it again, if we need to wait it out, or if it's just normal trauma teenager stuff. While I do believe adding the meds was necessary, it does add another variable to consider when assessing behavior changes, mood changes, etc. Right now it feels like there are too many variables - teenagerhood, hormones, meds, trauma......trying to discern which one is behind the tripwires has me stumped.
I can't find the grace in this one yet, Trauma Mamas. I'll let you know when I do.
The antidepressant ride has been akin to the Tower of Terror....you know, the one where you plunge straight down, bounce up, plunge down some more, repeat. That's very much what it's been like in our house the last three weeks. So far TK has tried two different meds, with dose tweaks. The first one yielded results but left TK really fatigued. The second one makes her less tired, but she is all over the map right now. Tonight was a night filled with trip wires.
TK has noticed she's happier when she spends less time on her phone. Since we changed meds she is either really happy or really withdrawn. I reminded TK she was happier when she put her phone down. BANG - Trip wire #1 set off. That lit off the 10 minute argument of how mean I was because I told her she had to do chores, how I never appreciate anything she does, etc. I reminded her I said thank you regularly. BANG - Trip wire #2. She told me thank you is meaningless to her generation. (I should get points for not laughing. It helped that I was royally pissed off.) I explained that thank you meant something to me, so when I said it I meant is as true appreciation. Of course that was met with, "Well it doesn't mean anything to me so you need to say something different."
BANG - Trip wire #3 (and that one was obviously set on a timer, because nothing specific set it off). "Every time I try to do something nice for you you either won't let me or you screw it up." I hear this one a lot, and I have yet to figure out what is behind it. She'll say she offered me water and I said no thanks, I already had some. Ditto a snack or anything. Then she asked me (yelled) "what do you want me to do?" I told her I wanted her to do her (expletive deleted) chores. BANG - Trip wire #4. "You don't know how much I already do around here; you expect me to do everything, etc, etc". That part to me seems like normal teenager stuff. I told her it was simple - no chores, no allowance. That got the usual teenager moans - "You're mean. You're nicer to everyone but me. You never do anything nice for me. You need to figure out why you're so mean."
Trip wire #5 was randomly set off as she was on a roll. "You can't make me take medicine. You can't make me go to a counselor. You can't make me do anything." (This belligerent, confrontational rant happened frequently before she started the antidepressant, so the fact that it came back makes me think we need to switch.) Not long after this she headed to her room, where I heard lots of things getting tossed around (I haven't looked yet), so it feels like we've lost whatever headway we had made. I hate hate hate that she feels so out of control again that it manifests physically. I can't imagine how scary it is for her to feel so overwhelmed that the only release is destruction.
But the part that really stumps me in all this is why everything in her mind is a competition with me. If I say I'm tired she blows up about how she was up with the dog two nights in a row and school is so hard, etc. I told her I wasn't saying I was more tired than she was or that she wasn't tired, it was just a statement of fact about how I was feeling. Often she'll tell me she doesn't care how I feel. I've heard that so often I'm immune to it. That is the ultimate defense mechanism for her. I think it comes from the place of "I'm so overwhelmed with my feelings and fears that I cannot absorb anyone else's feelings." Almost any comment I make about myself, my wellbeing, or something I've done somehow threatens her and she goes into full-on defensive (which for TK means aggressive) mode. I've tried to get to get to the core of this one and it still confounds me. It's exhausting. Sometimes it feels like I have to be a ghost of myself to keep her feeling safe. That's not feasible and it's not going to happen, but I can't figure out how to open to door to the road to healing that part of her that feels threatened. And I fundamentally cannot understand where it comes from. Usually I can work my way to a root cause, and then I can at least begin to understand it.
So here I sit, trying to decide if tonight was a bad med reaction, if we need to change it again, if we need to wait it out, or if it's just normal trauma teenager stuff. While I do believe adding the meds was necessary, it does add another variable to consider when assessing behavior changes, mood changes, etc. Right now it feels like there are too many variables - teenagerhood, hormones, meds, trauma......trying to discern which one is behind the tripwires has me stumped.
I can't find the grace in this one yet, Trauma Mamas. I'll let you know when I do.
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Struggling to find the grace
Trauma Kid (TK)'s therapist and I have been talking a lot about the balance of power. I have acknowledged for a while that I had given too much to TK, but honestly didn't know how to shift it without being totally draconian. After talking it through it seemed that it was time to get draconian and just know it wouldn't be well received. I can handle that - I handle pushback and drama frequently. I'm an old pro.
Tonight TK got a new list of chores (okay, I said I'd be honest in this blog.....she currently doesn't have any chores right now except what she feels like doing or can get paid for). She of course flipped out and told me it wasn't fair for me to "start adulting all at once". I take umbrage at the thought that I haven't been adulting, but I admit I have let her be far too much of an adult. I can whine and lay out all the reasons. The short answer is I did, as always, what I thought was best for our family at the time. In retrospect some of it was pretty much a disastrous decision.
TK and I got into a very heavy conversation about last year. She told me that was the year I stole her childhood. I asked her to explain, and she told me I was "all over her" when she was unhappy or upset and I wouldn't just let her screw up. While some of that is crap, there is some truth in it. So I agreed - and told her the reason why. I explained how hearing her tell me that there had been a lot of nights she prayed not to wake up - AFTER the fact - was the scariest thing I've ever heard. So yes, when she got out of whack I was all over it. I lived in fear of her going back to that place. And I live with the guilt of not knowing that's where she was. So I parented from a place of fear and guilt.....and of course, love. Love is a great place from which to parent. Fear and guilt are recipes for catastrophic failure. In restrospect I see how I let too much go, gave too much leeway, offered too many get out of jail free cards - because I was scared. Scared she would go back to that place of darkness, scared I wouldn't know it.
She was surprised when I told her I slept outside her door for two weeks after she told me that most horrifying statement. She asked why and I told her I knew that way I would hear her if she did anything. She cried with me at that point. I think maybe that bought a little grace for both of us.
Of course she's 13 so I'm regulated to "bad parent". I'm okay with that. But I'm wrestling with seeing the errors and knowing the impact and, even while knowing I did the best I could in that moment, still knowing it wasn't right and was even damaging. I'm struggling to give myself grace for that.
But, as Maya Angelou said, "when you know better you do better." I'm striving to leave behind the guilt and live that out.
Grace is hard to find sometimes, Trauma Mamas. But remember that coming from a place of love is grace at its finest. I'm trying to remember that right now myself.
Tonight TK got a new list of chores (okay, I said I'd be honest in this blog.....she currently doesn't have any chores right now except what she feels like doing or can get paid for). She of course flipped out and told me it wasn't fair for me to "start adulting all at once". I take umbrage at the thought that I haven't been adulting, but I admit I have let her be far too much of an adult. I can whine and lay out all the reasons. The short answer is I did, as always, what I thought was best for our family at the time. In retrospect some of it was pretty much a disastrous decision.
TK and I got into a very heavy conversation about last year. She told me that was the year I stole her childhood. I asked her to explain, and she told me I was "all over her" when she was unhappy or upset and I wouldn't just let her screw up. While some of that is crap, there is some truth in it. So I agreed - and told her the reason why. I explained how hearing her tell me that there had been a lot of nights she prayed not to wake up - AFTER the fact - was the scariest thing I've ever heard. So yes, when she got out of whack I was all over it. I lived in fear of her going back to that place. And I live with the guilt of not knowing that's where she was. So I parented from a place of fear and guilt.....and of course, love. Love is a great place from which to parent. Fear and guilt are recipes for catastrophic failure. In restrospect I see how I let too much go, gave too much leeway, offered too many get out of jail free cards - because I was scared. Scared she would go back to that place of darkness, scared I wouldn't know it.
She was surprised when I told her I slept outside her door for two weeks after she told me that most horrifying statement. She asked why and I told her I knew that way I would hear her if she did anything. She cried with me at that point. I think maybe that bought a little grace for both of us.
Of course she's 13 so I'm regulated to "bad parent". I'm okay with that. But I'm wrestling with seeing the errors and knowing the impact and, even while knowing I did the best I could in that moment, still knowing it wasn't right and was even damaging. I'm struggling to give myself grace for that.
But, as Maya Angelou said, "when you know better you do better." I'm striving to leave behind the guilt and live that out.
Grace is hard to find sometimes, Trauma Mamas. But remember that coming from a place of love is grace at its finest. I'm trying to remember that right now myself.
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Annoyed Compassion
Annoyed compassion - I know, it's rather like "jumbo shrimp". But I am living proof that annoyance and compassion can, and do, dwell simultaneously in a person.
Trauma Kid (TK) is a teenager....a challenging time for any parent, I'm told. As TK is my first teenager, I don't have a comparison, but I strongly expect parenting a TK through teenagerhood is rather different than parenting a non-trauma kid. As a parent to a 13 year old, eye rolling and sighing are a normal part of our day (and sadly, I report, it's often on my part!). But there's more - there always seems to be with TKs. Our days often include sudden bursts of anger that are disproportionate to the event. It reminds me of when TK was younger, because I see that same out of control look in her eyes when it happens.
I am weary of it, and utterly annoyed by the attitude of disrespect that her need for a sense of control makes so common. And yet my heart aches for her, because I cannot imagine how emotionally exhausting it is to so often feel on the verge of being completely out of control, of devolving into fits of anger, of struggling to maintain composure when your brain is always in full alert mode. So yes, I am full of compassion for her. And yes, I am utterly annoyed and over it all.
One thing I thought we had (more or less) conquered was the scarcity mentality that so many of our TKs have. I can now (sometimes) compliment a friend without TK feeling "less than". But she has transferred the scarcity beyond me to others. When our dear friends (our "here family") noted my weight loss (a result of 6 months of a complete diet overhaul) and didn't notice her "amazing muscles" that resulted from two weeks of running (ah, the optimism of youth), she was devastated - and thus angry at everyone who hadn't remarked on her "transformation". And of course she was angry at me because I was the object of their positive comments. So I feel (as parents of TKs often do) the desire to minimize my accomplishments, to shove her in front of me so she gets noticed. I'm angry at myself for this. I worked hard to make good choices in spite of two shoulder surgeries and single mom'ing TK through all my post-surgery pain and rehab(s). I SHOULD be allowed to be proud and be noticed. Yet I find myself staying away from the functions that will result in people noting my changes, because it's not worth the fallout. While my heart hurts that she feels there is not enough to go around, I am also annoyed that I am not allowed to be in the spotlight for any moment. (This is something her therapist and I are attacking this fall, but that's a blog entry for another day.)
I can argue that I shouldn't rearrange my life/plans to avoid her potentially getting dysregulated, agree that it's not "normal", but the reality is sometimes it's just too hard to deal with the fallout of situations, so I avoid them. I have to choose my battles, and it feels like they are neverending lately. So yes, I rearrange my life around TK's moods and try to avoid situations that will cause strife. Should I? Probably not. Maybe I should put her in those situations and let her grow through them. But that growth comes at a cost to me, and sometimes I'm just not in a place to pay it.
TK's doc and I are talking about putting her on meds for anxiety. I have such mixed feelings about this. TK readily tells people she suffers from anxiety and depression, but she balks at taking meds because that makes her "broken." In spite of all my speeches about it being a physical thing, a brain chemistry imbalance, "needing" medicine still makes her feel "less than". I hate that she needs them, but I think about how hard she struggles every day to feel in control of herself, and I want to offer whatever relief I can to make her days easier. I told her I took them for a time myself, and it's a temporary thing until her brain matures more and learns more coping skills. The doc will broach it with her at her physical.....TBD how that plays out.
Give yourselves grace, Trauma Mamas - grace when you avoid the hard situations because you just can't deal with the fallout, grace when you get annoyed with the challenges you face, grace when you make choices other don't agree with or can't understand. And mostly give yourselves grace when your compassion takes a backseat to your frustration, annoyance, and exhaustion. The battles continue to arise, but your love and compassion (even when hard to find) will bring you and your TK through.
Trauma Kid (TK) is a teenager....a challenging time for any parent, I'm told. As TK is my first teenager, I don't have a comparison, but I strongly expect parenting a TK through teenagerhood is rather different than parenting a non-trauma kid. As a parent to a 13 year old, eye rolling and sighing are a normal part of our day (and sadly, I report, it's often on my part!). But there's more - there always seems to be with TKs. Our days often include sudden bursts of anger that are disproportionate to the event. It reminds me of when TK was younger, because I see that same out of control look in her eyes when it happens.
I am weary of it, and utterly annoyed by the attitude of disrespect that her need for a sense of control makes so common. And yet my heart aches for her, because I cannot imagine how emotionally exhausting it is to so often feel on the verge of being completely out of control, of devolving into fits of anger, of struggling to maintain composure when your brain is always in full alert mode. So yes, I am full of compassion for her. And yes, I am utterly annoyed and over it all.
One thing I thought we had (more or less) conquered was the scarcity mentality that so many of our TKs have. I can now (sometimes) compliment a friend without TK feeling "less than". But she has transferred the scarcity beyond me to others. When our dear friends (our "here family") noted my weight loss (a result of 6 months of a complete diet overhaul) and didn't notice her "amazing muscles" that resulted from two weeks of running (ah, the optimism of youth), she was devastated - and thus angry at everyone who hadn't remarked on her "transformation". And of course she was angry at me because I was the object of their positive comments. So I feel (as parents of TKs often do) the desire to minimize my accomplishments, to shove her in front of me so she gets noticed. I'm angry at myself for this. I worked hard to make good choices in spite of two shoulder surgeries and single mom'ing TK through all my post-surgery pain and rehab(s). I SHOULD be allowed to be proud and be noticed. Yet I find myself staying away from the functions that will result in people noting my changes, because it's not worth the fallout. While my heart hurts that she feels there is not enough to go around, I am also annoyed that I am not allowed to be in the spotlight for any moment. (This is something her therapist and I are attacking this fall, but that's a blog entry for another day.)
I can argue that I shouldn't rearrange my life/plans to avoid her potentially getting dysregulated, agree that it's not "normal", but the reality is sometimes it's just too hard to deal with the fallout of situations, so I avoid them. I have to choose my battles, and it feels like they are neverending lately. So yes, I rearrange my life around TK's moods and try to avoid situations that will cause strife. Should I? Probably not. Maybe I should put her in those situations and let her grow through them. But that growth comes at a cost to me, and sometimes I'm just not in a place to pay it.
TK's doc and I are talking about putting her on meds for anxiety. I have such mixed feelings about this. TK readily tells people she suffers from anxiety and depression, but she balks at taking meds because that makes her "broken." In spite of all my speeches about it being a physical thing, a brain chemistry imbalance, "needing" medicine still makes her feel "less than". I hate that she needs them, but I think about how hard she struggles every day to feel in control of herself, and I want to offer whatever relief I can to make her days easier. I told her I took them for a time myself, and it's a temporary thing until her brain matures more and learns more coping skills. The doc will broach it with her at her physical.....TBD how that plays out.
Give yourselves grace, Trauma Mamas - grace when you avoid the hard situations because you just can't deal with the fallout, grace when you get annoyed with the challenges you face, grace when you make choices other don't agree with or can't understand. And mostly give yourselves grace when your compassion takes a backseat to your frustration, annoyance, and exhaustion. The battles continue to arise, but your love and compassion (even when hard to find) will bring you and your TK through.
Saturday, April 21, 2018
A real first
For the first time ever, I actually got in the car, turned it on, opened the garage and started to back out - after yelling to TK that I was "going out and would be back in a while" and slamming multiple doors on my way out. Don't get me wrong, I've thought about doing it a zillion times before, but today I actually got the car out of the garage. Then my mom guilt kicked in and I pulled back into the garage, got out of the car, told TK (without yelling) that I would be out back if she needed me, and proceeded out onto the deck where I summarily THREW all the stuff that needed to be cleared off the deck into the yard.
What precipitated my personal meltdown? It was a bad day - a really, really, really bad day.
TK is facing a lot of challenges right now. They have just entered the throes of standardized testing at school - 6 days of it coming up. Add to that needing to learn lines for a play, having a stress fracture so stuck in a boot and unable to do the dance steps for the play or participate in the school's 5k, etc. Basically it's a perfect storm of overwhelm. To make it even stormier, I had shoulder surgery 8 weeks ago and my recuperation has been beyond slow and challenging. I am running on way too little sleep and dealing with muscle spasms and the frustration of not being anywhere close to where I should be in the rehab process. This means I am less emotionally available, less sympathetic, and, according to TK, totally selfish.
When TK is overwhelmed and dysregulated, the new "script" is this....
- I keep telling you the same things over and over and you never listen
- You don't seem to care about anything I do or say
- The only time you seem to be happy is when someone else is around
- Nothing I do is good enough for you; I can never make you happy
- I'm not enough for anybody; nothing I do matters
The ironic part of this script is virtually the same script runs through my head.
I get it; I understand the trauma spiral of doom that goes from "I'm feeling overwhelmed" to "I am useless". But I admit I am tired....tired of being the only one who gets blamed; tired of fighting to stay regulated myself when accused of being selfish and uncaring; tired of putting my needs and desires aside to address TK's; tired of the knowledge that no matter how good things seem, there is certainly a period of dysregulation and the associated drama looming.
We go far longer between periods of dysregulation, yet in some ways I find them even more exhausting. Perhaps I get lulled into complacency when things are good; perhaps I choose to believe that we have hit that magic point where trauma no longer affects us beyond a small occasional blip; perhaps I am just living in a dream world and hoping beyond hope that we are done. But we are not done. I don't know if we will ever be done. We surely have made progress, and trauma no longer rules every moment of our lives, but it is always there, lurking, waiting, seeking that one stress point where the overwhelm can sneak in and make common problems unbearable.
The rules keep changing, trauma mamas. Take courage from knowing you have made it this far in the journey and you are strong enough to keep fighting the good fight. Give yourself grace when you want to get in the car and keep driving, when you can't bear to hear the script and pretend it doesn't hurt you one more time, when you long with all your being to just be "done". I get it. I'm there with you. We will conquer this latest trauma challenge as we have conquered the ones before - with patience, grace, and love.
What precipitated my personal meltdown? It was a bad day - a really, really, really bad day.
TK is facing a lot of challenges right now. They have just entered the throes of standardized testing at school - 6 days of it coming up. Add to that needing to learn lines for a play, having a stress fracture so stuck in a boot and unable to do the dance steps for the play or participate in the school's 5k, etc. Basically it's a perfect storm of overwhelm. To make it even stormier, I had shoulder surgery 8 weeks ago and my recuperation has been beyond slow and challenging. I am running on way too little sleep and dealing with muscle spasms and the frustration of not being anywhere close to where I should be in the rehab process. This means I am less emotionally available, less sympathetic, and, according to TK, totally selfish.
When TK is overwhelmed and dysregulated, the new "script" is this....
- I keep telling you the same things over and over and you never listen
- You don't seem to care about anything I do or say
- The only time you seem to be happy is when someone else is around
- Nothing I do is good enough for you; I can never make you happy
- I'm not enough for anybody; nothing I do matters
The ironic part of this script is virtually the same script runs through my head.
I get it; I understand the trauma spiral of doom that goes from "I'm feeling overwhelmed" to "I am useless". But I admit I am tired....tired of being the only one who gets blamed; tired of fighting to stay regulated myself when accused of being selfish and uncaring; tired of putting my needs and desires aside to address TK's; tired of the knowledge that no matter how good things seem, there is certainly a period of dysregulation and the associated drama looming.
We go far longer between periods of dysregulation, yet in some ways I find them even more exhausting. Perhaps I get lulled into complacency when things are good; perhaps I choose to believe that we have hit that magic point where trauma no longer affects us beyond a small occasional blip; perhaps I am just living in a dream world and hoping beyond hope that we are done. But we are not done. I don't know if we will ever be done. We surely have made progress, and trauma no longer rules every moment of our lives, but it is always there, lurking, waiting, seeking that one stress point where the overwhelm can sneak in and make common problems unbearable.
The rules keep changing, trauma mamas. Take courage from knowing you have made it this far in the journey and you are strong enough to keep fighting the good fight. Give yourself grace when you want to get in the car and keep driving, when you can't bear to hear the script and pretend it doesn't hurt you one more time, when you long with all your being to just be "done". I get it. I'm there with you. We will conquer this latest trauma challenge as we have conquered the ones before - with patience, grace, and love.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
wait, what?
Someone (who has dealt with with TK every day for over 7 months and has been privy to the many meetings about TK and how her trauma manifests and how we deal with it) made a comment today about TK that had me questioning a lot of things.....her progress along this trauma journey, the choices I've made as her parent, the choices I continue to make....but after a lot of tears and contemplation I realized I need to be asking different questions.
I need to ask:
- Why do people still not understand a particular behavior or pattern of behaviors are a form of communicating a need and not a manipulation or histrionics?
- Why do people not understand that a Trauma Kid's attempts to draw attention to themselves are not about selfishness but are about needing connection and safety?
- Why do people want to remove the safeguards we have so painstakingly put in place to help our TKs, thinking that removing them will force our TKs to just "tough it out and deal with the real world"?
I guess the most important questions of all are:
- When will people view trauma with compassion and not judgment?
- When will people want to start really learning about trauma?
- When will more people really be willing to put in the effort to change our TK's lives for the better?
Some basic truths:
- The effects of trauma can't be erased with a year (or two or ten) of effort.
- The tools/safeguards we put into place (e.g., 504/IEP, etc) can't be yanked out so the trauma kid can "better learn to deal with the real world". Those tools may be needed forever - and THAT'S OKAY. Our goal isn't to get rid of the safeguards. Of course we hope to not need them one day, but our goal is to make our TKs feel safe enough to learn and succeed. If we remove those safeguards the minute things improve, there will be no safety net when the inevitable backward step occurs.
- Behaviors are communication; it's our job as the responsible adults to translate it.
- The face of trauma changes; how our TKs react in any situation one time does not mean they will react the same way the next time. There are so many variables in trauma that must be considered.
- Our TKs can't just "tough it out and get over it."
- Trauma causes neurodiversity.....the brain is changed. We have the ability to deal with the changes; we just have to have the willingness.
- It's hard. It's relentless and ever-changing and never takes a vacation.
But there are other truths just as important:
- It's doable. You can make progress, though often there are as many backward steps as there are forward steps.
- Your kid is so much more than a TK. Don't lose sight of that. Don't lose sight of how smart/funny/loving/amazingly courageous they are.
- You are so much more than a Trauma Mama. Don't lose sight of how smart/funny/loving/amazingly courageous YOU are.
I know this was a rambling blog. There are a lot of thoughts running through my brain, and a lot of emotions running through my heart. Mostly I feel discouraged and disappointed. I forget that not everyone is on board. I forget that even though I spend lots of time trying to educate people, some don't get it, and some don't WANT to get it. I forget that not everyone is willing to give TK the grace she needs as she goes along her journey. And sometimes, like today, I forget to stop and look at how far we've come. That's where the grace is...in stopping and reflecting on the successes (however minor) and progress (however minuscule).
Trauma sucks. Dealing with trauma every day sucks. I know how hard it is for us Trauma Mamas; I can't even imagine how much harder it is for our kids. But they're not alone, and luckily, neither are we. We can do this, Trauma Mamas. As Glennon Doyle says, we can do hard things. And we ARE doing hard things.....every single day.
So the next time someone says something "helpful" that rocks my world a little, I'll stop and go back and read some old blog entries and remember how far we've come, and relish in the fact that while we still have a long way to go, we are on the right road. Hold onto the grace that brought you this far and know it will go with you as you move forward. I'm here with you, Trauma Mamas.
I need to ask:
- Why do people still not understand a particular behavior or pattern of behaviors are a form of communicating a need and not a manipulation or histrionics?
- Why do people not understand that a Trauma Kid's attempts to draw attention to themselves are not about selfishness but are about needing connection and safety?
- Why do people want to remove the safeguards we have so painstakingly put in place to help our TKs, thinking that removing them will force our TKs to just "tough it out and deal with the real world"?
I guess the most important questions of all are:
- When will people view trauma with compassion and not judgment?
- When will people want to start really learning about trauma?
- When will more people really be willing to put in the effort to change our TK's lives for the better?
Some basic truths:
- The effects of trauma can't be erased with a year (or two or ten) of effort.
- The tools/safeguards we put into place (e.g., 504/IEP, etc) can't be yanked out so the trauma kid can "better learn to deal with the real world". Those tools may be needed forever - and THAT'S OKAY. Our goal isn't to get rid of the safeguards. Of course we hope to not need them one day, but our goal is to make our TKs feel safe enough to learn and succeed. If we remove those safeguards the minute things improve, there will be no safety net when the inevitable backward step occurs.
- Behaviors are communication; it's our job as the responsible adults to translate it.
- The face of trauma changes; how our TKs react in any situation one time does not mean they will react the same way the next time. There are so many variables in trauma that must be considered.
- Our TKs can't just "tough it out and get over it."
- Trauma causes neurodiversity.....the brain is changed. We have the ability to deal with the changes; we just have to have the willingness.
- It's hard. It's relentless and ever-changing and never takes a vacation.
But there are other truths just as important:
- It's doable. You can make progress, though often there are as many backward steps as there are forward steps.
- Your kid is so much more than a TK. Don't lose sight of that. Don't lose sight of how smart/funny/loving/amazingly courageous they are.
- You are so much more than a Trauma Mama. Don't lose sight of how smart/funny/loving/amazingly courageous YOU are.
I know this was a rambling blog. There are a lot of thoughts running through my brain, and a lot of emotions running through my heart. Mostly I feel discouraged and disappointed. I forget that not everyone is on board. I forget that even though I spend lots of time trying to educate people, some don't get it, and some don't WANT to get it. I forget that not everyone is willing to give TK the grace she needs as she goes along her journey. And sometimes, like today, I forget to stop and look at how far we've come. That's where the grace is...in stopping and reflecting on the successes (however minor) and progress (however minuscule).
Trauma sucks. Dealing with trauma every day sucks. I know how hard it is for us Trauma Mamas; I can't even imagine how much harder it is for our kids. But they're not alone, and luckily, neither are we. We can do this, Trauma Mamas. As Glennon Doyle says, we can do hard things. And we ARE doing hard things.....every single day.
So the next time someone says something "helpful" that rocks my world a little, I'll stop and go back and read some old blog entries and remember how far we've come, and relish in the fact that while we still have a long way to go, we are on the right road. Hold onto the grace that brought you this far and know it will go with you as you move forward. I'm here with you, Trauma Mamas.
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