Painful truths

As we move along our trauma journey of healing, I continue to learn new things - most of which I never wanted to learn.  Today was no exception.

Last week TK and her counselor came up with new goals.  TK's goals included being less angry and being kinder.  I am all in favor of that.  While I know TK's anger is a manifestation of fear, knowing that does not automatically imbue me with the ability to always respond from a place of compassion.  It's exhausting being with someone who is frequently angry. I realized that afresh because the last two days were awesome.  TK was silly and loving; I got hugs (very rare) and "I love yous".  She even gave me a Wonder Woman ornament for our Christmas tree and told me, "I bought it because you're always my Wonder Woman."  I had honestly forgotten how much fun it could be to hang with TK. When she is happy she exudes joy and a zest for life and a sense of silliness that is contagious. It's been so long that since I had a real hug from her that it threw me when I realized she was taller than I am.  I knew that, but hadn't been hugged by her since she topped me in height.

The painful realizations are just that - painful.  The reality is TK is often angry (aka scared), and her "last man standing and the last man is always going to me" approach (a classic survival mode response) tends to not leave people wanting to give her grace.  She is champion of the underdog, which is wonderful, but the way she stands up for them is to annihilate the person who is challenging the underdog.  This leads other people to tell TK she's mean or rude. One even went so far as to tell her she was going to hell because she is not a nice person. (Yeah, that led to a mom to mom phone call.) I know TK is frustrated by her inability to regulate her reactions. She is much better about than she was when she was younger, but there is still a long way to go.  

I can only imagine how exhausting it is for her to feel scared and, therefore, angry so much of the time.  I wonder what I could have done differently to help her. When did the fear and anger outweigh the joy and frivolity?  Why didn't I find a way to lessen the fear sooner ?  When did I give in to the anger and respond with resignation instead of determination to move her past it?

The other, related, painful reality is that while there a number of people who love TK, some of them don't actually like her.  They love her because they love me, but they don't enjoy her company or really want to spend time with her. I get it....she's tough. But it breaks my heart, because behind the anger and fear is a kind, compassionate, wildly funny person who loves with her whole heart and would die defending the people she loves.

We are working hard to make that part of TK stronger.  That part has at least appeared for a while this week; it's been a really long time since it has been here.  I miss that version of TK, and I long for the day that part of TK trumps the scared and angry part.

I'm trying to give myself some grace for resigning myself to the anger and fear instead of fighting it.  Give yourself some as well.  This journey is ridiculously hard. Grab those moments where the joy comes forth and let yourself breathe deeply and just enjoy it.  It probably won't last, but it might just give you the grace and emotional energy to get you through the next cycle of fear and anger.