Friday bedtime - the words strike fear in my heart. After a week of school (which, while markedly better, is still a challenge) and gymnastics, and the looming early AM gymnastics Sat....well, things often go badly. Tonight's drama went more or less like this:
Me - "Honey, you need to get a shower before bed. You're all sticky and you stink." (So yeah, not my best opening gambit). To my shock she didn't take offense, but still rebelled.
TK - "I'll get one after gymnastics tomorrow. I'll just get stinkier."
Me - not picking that battle, "Fine."
Fast forward to bedtime.
TK - "Why is it so sticky in my bed? I can't sleep like this! Why didn't you make me get a shower?" She drags the mattress off the bed, throws it on the floor, and throws herself on top of it weeping.
Me - trying to breathe (well, okay, sighing deeply)......."You can grab a quick one now or you can sleep sticky - your call."
TK - "You're mean! Why are you so mean? What is your problem? You're supposed to help me! You put a note on my mirror that said you're sorry we had a bad night and you loved me. I don't believe you!"
Me - failing to breathe, and revving that bus to go off the cliff - "Good night. I love you."
TK - "Aren't you going to pat me?"
Me - "I'm not in the mood to listen to you be mean to me. I love you. Good night."
I quietly closed the door and sat in the den, listening to the sobs. I admit I didn't feel a lot of sympathy. Some days it just seems to be in short supply.
After a few minutes, TK comes out and sits down a few feet from me. "You really hurt me. Like I wanted to run away and find someone who liked me. I mean it, I really wanted to leave."
Me - annoyed, because it's almost 10 PM and I have no clue what egregious thing I said, still managed to choke that all down. "I'm so sorry I hurt you, and I'm really glad you didn't leave."
TK - spills a lot of frustrations about a new kid at school, a friend who was moody and mean to her, it being too hard to get up for early practice.
Wisely, I say nothing. She heads back to her room and says, "I'm sorry. Will you come pat me?"
Me- "Of course."
After I get the mattress back on the bed, the sheet back on the mattress, the pillows back on, etc, she settles in. Then she gets me - the one I didn't see coming and had to flounder to answer.
"Mom, why are some things so much harder for me than other kids? Why do I get so upset about stuff when other kids don't?"
I mentally say my most common prayer when things like this come up - "Lord, please help me not to screw this up too badly."
Me - "That's part of being a trauma kid."
TK - "Why am I a trauma kid again? Am I going to be one forever?"
I explain about not having someone to hold her when she was little, and how that made it hard for her brain to feel safe, and that sometimes things that are small still make her brain scared, so she feels like she needs to scream or run or break something. Then I tell her how far she's come, how she is so good at using her words and knowing when she feels overwhelmed, and how proud I am of her.
TK - "Yeah, but will I be one forever?"
Me - "Yes, but that's just one thing you'll be. You'll also be amazing, and strong, and funny, and brave, and smart, and whatever else you want to be. It's just part of who you are."
TK - "Okay."
She rolls over and goes to sleep.
I mentally mop my brow, breathe a sigh of relief and thank God for the grace to be in that moment with her and remind her that being a TK is not a disease or a life sentence, it's just a part of who she is.
I expect we'll have follow up conversations on this topic, and maybe I'll be more prepared. I doubt it, though, as they always pop up when I am frazzled and "done".
I am so thankful for the grace to not really be "done", even when I am. And I am extra grateful that we ended our day with cuddles and kind, loving words and not hurt feelings. I am so proud that she had the courage to come out of her room and deal with her feelings rather than just crying herself to sleep (and I admit, not proudly but honestly, at that moment I wish she had gone with choice B!).
You're going to get hit with the hard questions, Trauma Mamas. "Why didn't someone want me? Why am I different? Why are things hard? Why do I get so mad?" And you are sure you aren't ready for them....but you are. Your heart knows the answers to those questions. Trust your heart, trust your love for your TK, and trust that they can handle the truth. Give yourselves grace if you goof it up a little - you can always go back and revisit it.
The ultimate answer is the same - love. Only love conquers fear. I'm sending you some grace to conquer your own fear when those questions come up. You can do this, Trauma Mamas. Have faith, have courage, and jump in. I'm here if you need a life preserver.
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