I know it's been almost two months since I blogged. I was busy surviving summer. We did - school started (quite smoothly, for a TK, which may not be smoothly for a non TK, but still.......)
Summer was fairly interminable, and I was ridiculously happy to see school start. We had some major meldtowns, some minor ones, but also some moments where I stopped and looked at how much progress we've made. Those were the sweet moments. Sometimes in this journey you get so stuck in the mode of surviving the moment that you forget to assess the progress. So here are some major signs of progress in our journey:
- We were invited to a dear friend's parents' house for a cookout. There were lots of their family there, most of whom TK had not met. She decided she wanted to go and didn't waiver from her decision. She had a blast and told me later she felt like they were just part of our family too. To have her walk into a situation with many strangers and immediately depart from me and go play with the other kids there (all but one was new to her) was AMAZING! She didn't want to leave.
- We were invited the same dear friend's granddaughter's 1st birthday. I was working at a consignment sale so told TK she could either go late with me or ride with our friend's son and daughter-in-law. TK has met them multiple times but hasn't spent a lot of time with them --- certainly not nearly the time it normally takes her to deem someone "safe". She said she'd just hang and ride with them. This was remarkable. Granted, this family has become our extended family, and we all love each other to pieces, even though we're relatively new "family members." But to see TK so relaxed and flexible ---- it was a a visual reminder that we really are making progress.
To digress (nothing new there).....
A crazy, wonderful friend took on a feral cat. This cat may actually have a neurological issue, but we'll put that aside for the moment. She'll run over to get you to pat her, then whip around and bite you. Or she'll rub against your legs then scratch you. I laughingly said she was a Trauma Kitty. As thought about it, the parallels rolled through my head.
TK parents get this. They know the pain of pouring love into a TK who is desperately seeking it but rejects it (and them). They know the agony of having someone for whom you have sacrificed seemingly endless amounts of emotional energy, finances, relationships, and peace reject you.
But they also know the relief when the cuddles are just cuddles, and not a precursor to rejection. They know the "hold your breath for the other shoe to fall" feeling of hearing "I love you", and the relief at not hearing (20 seconds later) "God made a mistake when He made you my parent!" They know the incredible joy of realizing that in that one moment, love conquered fear. And it gives us all the courage to keep going, to keep conquering fear with unconditional, unremitting, unimaginable love.
We have a big challenge ahead of us this week. I am having surgery Tuesday, and this will be the first time in TK's life that I have been truly incapacitated. Everyone (who doesn't get TKs) says what a great help she'll be. I laugh (usually not out loud). I expect there will be about 10 minutes of sympathy and an occasional spurt of helpfulness. But mostly there will be fear - manifested as resentment: "Why won't you play with me? What's for dinner? Why are you so grumpy?" I've walked her through how I think the week will go, but I still expect it will be a major challenge. I will be in physical pain, but my heart will hurt as well as I watch her struggle through this. She may surprise me- she had made some huge strides in the last few months, and this may be a non-event (but it certainly doesn't seem likely). So I will remind the people in her life that she needs some extra TLC and some extra grace when she is rude/in their face/unpredictable.
Send us both some grace. I'll need it to remember TK is hurting in her own way as I recover. She'll need it to share it with me and offer me space (physical and emotional) to recover. When I feel it wane I will think of her poise and assurance this summer in new situations and remind myself that grace and love have gotten us this far, and they will keep us moving forward in our journey.
Stop and give yourself the grace of looking at your TK's progress. It's probably far more significant than you think.
