Reposted - Oct 6, 2014 THE WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND….AND THEN THEY FALL OFF

I am typing though my tears. Tonight I saw behavior I haven't seen in a really long time, and it feels like all the progress has evaporated - only for a time, I know, but it still breaks my heart.  It also lights a fire under my fear of judgment and rejection. But I know that's my own crud surfacing so I choked it back and stayed in my girl's world.  Quite a build-up, eh?  Okay, here's the scoop.

After school we picked up a teammate and headed to gymnastics for the 2 hour Monday team practice.  Everything seemed fine (though I admit I was reading and only occasionally looking up) until about 20 minutes before the end of practice. I looked up and saw Trauma Kid's Friend (TKF) holding her head and crying.  TK comes storming off the gym floor, yells, "She's FINE! I want to leave!"  Alarm bells go off at 1000 decibels. I know whatever happened out there, TK caused it.  But I remind myself that I can't address any of that right now; I just need to be with TK until she gets out of her fear state. (I know it is totally counter intuitive that the kid that caused the problem is the scared one, but it's true.  TK had obviously gotten overwhelmed and lashed out.)  

We get in the car and I just say, "I'm sorry you feel overwhelmed."  After about two minutes, she tells me she kicked TKF on purpose - "but I was aiming for her foot, not her head."  I choke down the million things I want to say and struggle to stay in the emotion with her.  "I'm sorry you got so overwhelmed that you felt like you had to kick someone."  The rest of the 4 minute ride goes by in silence.

When we get home, TK goes to her room, climbs into her bed and pulls her blanky (her lovey) up to her chin. I grab the mail and go in her room, plop on the floor and start looking at the mail.  I did NOT screw up this time and start talking. I just sat silently and read the mail.  She asked me what I was doing and I said reading the mail.  After about 10 minutes she tells me the other girls were telling her she wasn't as good as them, that they got to go first because they were on a higher level than her.  (I will say upfront I have no idea if these things were really said, but it doesn't matter. To TK they were very real.)  Then TKF got on the same bar as TK (the rule is one kid per bar to keep them safe); TK told her to get off; TKF did not get off: TK kicked her.  

Again I choked back all my "normal parenting" responses. (Normal parenting is diametrically opposed to trauma kid parenting.)  I just listened.  She asked if we could go do homework on the trampoline, so we headed outside.

It is now about 30 minutes since we left the gym. As we are bouncing (movement is regulating to my TK), TK says, "I bet it really hurt TKF when I kicked her. I bet she hates me now. I bet they all hate me now."  I stayed in the moment with her (by now I should be an expert at choking back the things I want to say but know have to wait) and say, "That must feel really bad."  After a few more minutes she tells me she wants to tell TKF she is truly sorry. We talk about what we could do differently next time she feels so overwhelmed/like people are making her feel "less than"  (i.e., rejected).

So we got to the behavior issue...but we couldn't get there until we established that she was safe, that I wasn't going to reject her, that I was truly listening to what she was saying and feeling. 

I'm giving myself kudos for staying in the moment with her, and grace for all my own fears bubbling up.  I truly believe trauma kids are here to help us on our own journeys, too. They help us find our broken places and our fears, and we can then choose to move past them (or not).  

Give yourself grace for whatever bubbles up when your TK goes into an overwhelmed meltdown.  And send a little extra my way.....today is a day that seems to need a little extra.