Reposted - Nov 8, 2014 - NOT ENOUGH TO GO AROUND

I had one of the BGO moments the other day.  Trauma Kids (or at least my TK) operate from a place of scarcity.  What do I mean?  If I compliment someone's outfit, TK assumes hers is ugly (e.g., there aren't enough compliments to go around/I'm rejecting her). If I comment that another kid did a good job on a project, TK assumes I think hers is stupid, she's stupid, a loser, etc. In her mind my sharing kind or encouraging words with another child takes those words away from her/are a rejection of her.......i.e., scarcity.

This is especially true when it comes to friends. This is a HUGE struggle for TK (and I expect for other TKs as well).  If she has a friend and that friend chooses to play with someone else, she is certain she has been completely rejected. And in true TK style, she lashes out with harsh words, making it less likely the friend will choose to play with her in the future.  The great paradox......I hurt you so you don't hurt me first, but then you reject me because I hurt you, so I am hurt.

TK described it this way the other night as we talked about the social struggle at school:
"When I try to be part of the group and they won't let me it's like they stick me in a closet and put a hundred coats on my head and I'm invisible, or like they bury me and I turn to stone and they totally forget I'm there. It's like I'm a nobody. At least when I'm mean they pay attention to me. I don't want to be mean, but I hurt them because they hurt me. It feels good."

Yep, that made me cry too. And honestly I'm not sure what to do with it, or the revelation that scarcity (i.e., fear...and it always comes back to fear) is the driving factor.  So for now I'll hold back my compliments to others when TK is in earshot.  And I'll extend her grace when she is harsh to others, knowing she is operating from a fear of rejection and not from meanness.  And I'll extend myself grace while I try to figure out what to do with this new insight.   Maybe there isn't anything to do with it except dwell in it, acknowledge it and keep on moving forward.  It's exceptionally challenging to do that, to let her dwell in her hurt and fear, but I know she is wise enough to eventually work her way through it.  In the meantime, I will hurt for her and with her, because sometimes that's all you can do.

No doubt you are finding your own revelations on this path.  For the times when you come face to face with the revelation that you can't do anything but wait and love, know I'm sending you some grace.  Thanks for the grace you're sending to us.  We all need it.