Aug 24, 2014 THE WHYS AND WHATS OF TRAUMA KIDS

A few things have happened in the last few days that make me realize I need to explain the whys and whats of trauma kids.

Why do kids have trauma histories? What causes it?  There are many things that cause trauma to children, and it doesn't have to be a conscious memory to cause trauma. The brain and body store memories that may be unknown to the conscious memory.  Any instance where the child felt threatened or unsafe can cause trauma. I address it from the perspective of the adopted child who came from an orphanage where she spent 22 hours a day in a crib with limited human contact.  I will go into a bit more detail on how this causes trauma. Other things like traumatic family upheaval, physical/mental/sexual abuse,  and medical issues can also cause trauma.

For a TK (trauma kid) like  mine, the trauma stems from the lack of human contact. Normally, when a baby cries, an adult comes to comfort them (in trauma speak, they "regulate" the baby).  In many orphanages, when a baby cries, they are ignored. (I choose to believe the staff does the best they can but they are chronically understaffed and underfunded.)  The baby continues to cry, but when no one comes, the baby gives up. It appears the baby has self-comforted (self-regulated), but in reality they have gone into a state of despondence. When this pattern continues, the child never learns to self regulate. This means small things truly feel at a physiological level like life and death to this child. Their ability to judge how "dangerous" something is is compromised.  Something as seemingly small as asking them to brush their teeth can "flip a switch" that puts them into a fear state and causes a meltdown. (I admit I still don't understand why brushing teeth/not having the right cereal for breakfast/a sock that is crumply creates a fear state, but I accept it as truth because I have seen it many times.)

What people see is a child who is fine one minute and, for absolutely no reason, has a hairy tantrum the next. What people need to see is a child who is not threatened one minute and then their brain truly believes they are threatened. They are overwhelmed by the fear and cannot control their behavior. They are physiologically incapable of processing rational thoughts at that moment.  They are "emotionally hijacked" by fear and nothing can be resolved until the fear is resolved.  It is not a choice they make; they are not "behaving badly", "manipulating you", etc. They are terrified and doing whatever they need to survive. The only thing that can make them feel safe is a calm person who comes to them with compassion, not judgment.

Read Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control by Heather Forbes (and/or check out beyondconsequences.com).  She explains it far better than I. Some parts of it may never make sense to me, but I recognize it as true. I know that in addressing my daughter as a scared kid and not a bad kid, we have begun to heal our family.  I try to remember to give her a little extra grace every day.  You probably know a child who needs some too. 

Grace is meant to be shared. Be generous with it, and remember to give yourself a little grace too.