The Growth is in the Struggle

Heather Forbes says, "the growth is in the struggle."  We definitely had an opportunity for growth last night.

Trauma Kid (TK) went to middle school volleyball tryouts, nervous but (over)confident in her abilities.  I dropped her off, probably more nervous than she was. I picked her up 90 minutes later. As she walked toward the car she shook her head no. She looked like a thundercloud. I have learned not to ask questions when she looks like that, so I said nothing.  A few minutes into the car ride she told me she'd tripped and landed hard on her bum and it hurt so much that she couldn't hustle, so she didn't think she'd made it.

The list was posted 90 minutes later, so we drove back to the middle school to check out the results. I stayed in the car as TK looked.  She came back looking mad and upset, so I knew immediately.  She didn't say anything on the way home. I just said, "I'm so sorry. I know it hurts.  But you need to know that no one will be disappointed in you."  When we got home she slammed the car door, the door into the house, and the door to her room. I heard her in there hitting the wall and venting her anger, so I waited that part out. When I heard her start sobbing I knocked and asked if I could come in. She said no so I told her I'd be sitting in the hall by her door until she was ready for me to come in.  A few minutes later she told me to come in.  I sat by her bed and said nothing.  She ranted for a few minutes, then sobbed some more.  I asked her if I could hug her and she said no.  My heart broke for her and I shed many tears of my own as she sobbed.  After a few minutes she reached out for my hand. 

I waited to see what would happen.  I knew this was a heartbreak for her, and I wasn't sure if she had the skills to cope with that level of rejection.  This was a serious "growing in the struggle" moment. 

After about 30 minutes she was pretty calm. I asked her if she still wanted to go to public middle school now that she hadn't made the team. She said she did.  She asked if she could sleep in my bed because she was so sad and wanted to be close to me.

This morning she said, "I'm okay, Mom. I'm still sad and disappointed, but I'm okay."  That was a momentous moment in our trauma journey. TK had weathered a huge rejection and come out the other side - quickly and resolutely.  It was more than I expected, and I can't even express my pride and relief. 

Later I asked her why she didn't want me to hug her when she was so sad.  She said, "Mom, when I'm that upset it's like every part of me is super-sensitive, so having you hug me is just more pressure that I can't handle."  I knew she meant physical pressure, so I get it. I hate it, but I get it.  When I'm a sobbing mess I just want to fall in someone's arms and let them comfort me. But TK isn't me, and I have to respect her needs, even when it goes against every cell in my body.

This is one of those rare blessed moments when I can really see all the work, tears, prayers and re-dos working.  TK has amazing presence and is starting to gain resilience.  Talk about grace......I was awash in it today as I watched her TRULY be okay. 

Andra Day has this amazing song called "Rise Up."  I swear it is the anthem for Trauma Mamas (and Trauma Daddies and Trauma Caregivers).  I'll put the lyrics below if you want to read them, and I'll post the YouTube link in an immediate follow on post.  Whether you do or not, have faith, Trauma Mamas.  Your TK can gain resilience and learn to weather rejection without falling into despair.  If my TK can do it, yours can get there too. 

Sending you grace for the journey.  You will undoubtedly have to rise up a thousand times again, but you are strong. When you feel like you can't rise up one more time, I will send you strength and grace until you find your own. 


ANDRA DAY - RISE UP
You're broken down and tired of living life on a merry-go-round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out and move mountains
We gonna walk it out and move mountains

And I'll rise up, I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up, I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up, and I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up, high like the waves
I'll rise up, in spite of the ache
I'll rise up, and I'll do it a thousand times again
For you

When the silence isn't quiet and it feels like it's getting hard to breathe
And I know you feel like dying
But I promise we'll take the world to its feet and move mountains
Bring it to its feet and move mountains
And I'll rise up, I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up, I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up, and I'll do it a thousand times again
For you

All we need, all we need is hope
And for that we have each other, and for that we have each other
We will rise, we will rise, we'll rise, we'll rise

I'll rise up, rise like the day
I'll rise up, in spite of the ache
I will rise a thousand times again
And we'll rise up, high like the waves
We'll rise up, in spite of the ache
We'll rise up, and we'll do it a thousand times again
For you