I'll preface by saying I am in the midst of a hellacious bout of shingles, so I'm not as patient as usual, and my stress window is definitely smaller than normal.
TK (Trauma Kid) was at volleyball camp last Thursday and a friend mentioned middle school volleyball tryouts were next week (now this week). TK LOVES volleyball. She has declared it her "thing". I think she's pretty good for a novice, but I'm a former lacrosse player so I may not be the best judge. When TK told me about tryouts, I knew the conversation that was about to ensue. Sure enough, on the ride home, TK said she wants to go to public middle school next year and try out for the volleyball team.
I tried to push down my immediate fear response, and managed to -- somewhat. I told her there will be challenges -- like the inability to regulate through movement during the day, dealing with her dysgraphia, and the "girl drama" that is inevitable in middle school. She told me she needs a social circle -- her current school is quite small and her entire class (3rd-6th grade) is 16 kids, and only 3 are girls. Our neighborhood is awash in boys as well. So her female social circle is her volleyball team (and the season just ended) and me. I get that she needs a bigger social circle, but the fear of returning to anything remotely like it was before overwhelmed me. I remember too well how fractured our family was, how trauma ruled our lives, how exhausting and isolating it was. But that was then, and I have to find the same courage TK has to let go of then and trust that we are in a place of trust and strength enough for now.
TK told me she'd definitely make the volleyball team, and I said I hoped so. She told me I needed to have more faith in her. I said I had faith in her, but I don't know how good the other kids trying out are. She told me she had matured a lot and was ready for the challenges of public middle school, and I should just believe in her. I said I had faith in her, but we needed to work through some things before I felt okay with this change.
Then TK nailed me. She said, "Mom, why don't you believe in me? You keep telling me you do, then you say you don't. I just need you to support me, and if it falls apart you can help me through it." I had a flashback of my dad, who often said "I'm not telling you what to do, but......" And I clearly remember saying he needed to replace the "but" with a period. So I did. I told TK I believed she was good enough to make the team, and I had faith in her ability to handle public middle school. (Okay, I still said "but......" in my head, but at least my out loud stuff was good!) There was a lot of maturity and strength in her statement about helping her through it if fell apart. It also told me that she knew I would be there to help her through it.
I've spent the last few days stepping back and really watching TK. And I've seem some amazing things. We were at Dear Friend's (my sister from another mister and Soph's declared aunt) wedding the day after TK's birthday, and TK took on the role of getting folks (many of whom she'd never met) to sign the guest book. She did this with grace and calmness and confidence. During the reception I almost never saw her once dinner was over - she was off having fun with the family. This would never have happened a year ago, or probably even 6 months ago. Sometime in the last few months she has grown amazingly in confidence. She has always had amazing courage, but her confidence and self esteem have also come front and center.
We were visiting TK's "sister" the other day, and she told me she saw a tremendous difference from the TK of a year ago. When I stopped and really looked at who TK had become, I could even stop the "buts" in my head. She CAN do this. There will be challenges, and stumbles, and probably even some trauma meltdowns, but she's right -- I'll help her through them and we'll continue to move forward. Don't get me wrong, I am still slightly terrified. What if she doesn't make the volleyball team? Will her confidence and self-esteem plummet? Or am I not giving her enough credit? TBD - I don't know, but I will on Wednesday (when the call-back list is posted) or Friday (when the team rosters are posted). Stay tuned.
But for now, I am taking in the grace at the progress we have made. The journey is not over; trauma will continue to rear up its head and throw challenges at us, but my girl, my TK, has more ability to self-regulate than I thought she would ever have.
It's nearly impossible to see the possibilities when you are in the middle of the trauma journey. But they exist. Your TKs can continue to grow in confidence, self-regulation, and grace. If you can, step back and look at your journey, Trauma Mamas. You will see progress. It may be miniscule, but somewhere there is a change for the better. This journey is not linear, and sometimes you get stuck in one place for what feels like forever. But your undying, unconditional love is moving your TK toward healing. Grab the grace of finding any progress you can, and take the credit for it. This journey is brutal, and you are the warrior who never gives up. Grace to you as you battle on, Trauma Mamas.
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