It was the morning of the great getaway weekend kick-off (aka Friday). Trauma Kid (TK) was really excited to go to our dear friend's house for her 2 day sleepover. She asked me at least 5 times when we could leave. About 30 minutes before we were scheduled to leave she went into meltdown mode because I ate the last ice cream bar. After engaging in the insanity for a few minutes, I remembered to breathe and think and asked her if she was being mean so it would be easier not to miss me. She said, "Yes. But I won't miss you, I'll only miss my cat." I told her I knew it was scary but she would have a lot of fun, we all calmed down and I dropped her off about 4:30. She went in the house, and as I was chatting with dear friend she said, "Go away. Bye." So far so good.....sort of.
Since it was raining and I honestly wasn't sure TK could handle two nights, I decided to head out early Sat and spend the night in my warm dry bed vice an uncomfortable camp cot. At 9 I got a text from dear friend saying TK was sobbing, wanted to come home, but she was working with her and thought it would settle down. It didn't. I told dear friend I had promised TK a long time ago if she was spending the night somewhere and needed me to come get her, I would if I possibly could, and I couldn't break that promise. (I made that promise because we know a dad who threw a fit and punished his kid for leaving a sleepover at our house). At 10 she was still a wreck, so I went and brought her home. I got her tucked in and she was begging me not to go. I just kept patting her and telling her I loved her and figured it would be better in the morning.
Wrong again. She came in my room at 5 AM, sobbing hysterically, begging me not to go. I told her no matter how much fun I had, I would ALWAYS want to come back to her, if she really couldn't hack it I would come home after the evening campfire and pick her up, I knew it was hard. She was nearly hysterical, saying, "I'm not ready. Please don't leave me. Please don't, Mommy, please please pleeeeease!" She was genuinely terrified, and I admit I wavered in my mind, but I remembered some key things.
1) This was the first time I was going somewhere and she was staying. She's had lots of sleepovers but I've always been home.
2) She was very much in the scarcity mentality - if you go there and have fun, you don't need me/love me/will reject me.
3) As the only child of a single mom, and a TK to boot, she is accustomed to being the center of the world and things going largely her way. I'm not saying that's good, but it's a fact.
4) Heather Forbes once told me something incredibly profound - "Sometimes the growth is in the struggle."
So I kept telling her how much I loved her, how I'd come get her that night if she needed me, I knew she'd be safe with dear friend. Then after about 2 hours of hysterics, I said, "Need anything else besides what's in the car? We're leaving in 10 minutes." She calmed right down, grabbed a few things from her room, got in the car, and off we went. When we got there she was totally calm, said, "I love you, Mom, bye. Go now." So I did.
I had a break about 2, so I called her to check in and she said, "Mommy, you should stay there tonight. I want you to keep having fun." !!!!!!!!!!!!
I attribute this to a few factors.
1) My dear friend told TK she would sit up with her all night if she needed that to feel safe.
2) Another girl came to dear friend's house so there were three girls being silly and having a blast and they were all sleeping over.
3) TK realized Mom could go do something and it didn't change how I felt about her.
When I picked her up Sunday afternoon she was full of stories about how fun it was. She said she wasn't ready for me to leave again anytime soon, but the next time would definitely be easier. I told her I was so proud of her, and she said she was proud of herself. I love that.
And as for me?? I sat up way too late with some great new friends, laughed until we cried at utterly inane things, pushed myself physically to the point of exhaustion, laughed some more, found "me" and not just "Mom". I had a blast and can't wait to do it again. I had honestly forgotten how fun it was to hang out with a bunch of folks without listening for TK, waiting for the interruption, waiting to have it cut short by her needs. It was lovely. Now I just have to figure out how to not wait 5 years to do it again.
I am grateful for the grace of a dear friend who took TK and made her feel safe, for the grace of new friends who made me laugh til my sides ached and made the swinging bridge our own personal trampoline, for God's grace evident in the beauty all around me as I hiked, climbed trees and ziplined. Mostly I am grateful for the grace I saw in TK's growth. I know how hard we work to give our TKs what they need so they can grow, and I know how hard it is to watch them struggle. Give yourself the grace to remember that, as Heather Forbes, says, sometimes that's where the growth is.
Be strong, Trauma Mamas. Plan your own getway if you can. You deserve that grace too.
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