Small (and not so small) victories

As usual, I will digress as I write. However, tonight I will digress up front. I've recently added some new blog readers from various sectors of our life. I admit this always gives me pause and has me considering editing parts of what I write. But then I take a deep breath and promise to hold true to my commitment to tell our story - good, bad, ugly, and everywhere in between. So hold me to it....if you sense me hedging, call me on it.

To my "new additions",  this will work best if you go back and read from the beginning. This is a serial blog; digesting just an episode here and there loses the context and makes things seem better or worse than they are in the big picture.

On to the real stuff......

We had some small victories this week, and one at was, for TK, pretty big.  She had a tough time the beginning of the week in the school transition.  Tues AM she was in the hall crying and holding onto me, asking me not to leave or to take her with me.  I blew it at first, saying, "I'll leave in 3 minutes. The longer I stay the harder it is."  QUIZ TIME!  What was wrong with that?  It was a rational response to an emotional fear based need.  Logic doesn't conquer fear; love conquers fear. So I gave myself a mental forehead slap, wrapped my arms around her and said, "I'm sorry this is hard.  I love you so much."  We stood there for about 4 more minutes, then she pulled away, dry eyed, and said, "Okay, Mom, you can go. I'll see you after school."   I am always surprised when it works.  I shouldn't be - we've been working on this for 5 years, but sometimes it still feels like magic. 

TK's school is doing the Lion King musical, and the kids auditioned last week. TK really wanted to be Nala or Scar, but she got Rafiki.  She didn't find out until we got to school in the morning, and I braced myself for massive meltdown.  She was rather short with a few of her friends who got the "good roles", then asked me if I thought Rafiki was a good role. I told her he was the narrator, and without him folks wouldn't know what  was happening. She thought about that for a few minutes, then decided she was very important to the play and settled into it.  This whole transition from disappointed to mad to okay took about 10 minutes.  That was AWESOME!  I told her that afternoon how proud I was of her.  My sarcastic, funny, amazing kid just looked at me and said, "As well you should be."

So all in all, it was a week where I was blessed to see the work paying off. And you all know I needed some of that after the last few weeks.  There is such grace in seeing the growth amidst the struggle. It is challenging to keep the faith that our TKs will get there when you are in the trenches, struggling, crying, praying, exhausted.  So grab the grace when it flies by and hold on tight to it. It is hard won and well earned.  When you get it, take a moment to tell yourself, "well done, trauma mama." 

Of course this is day 1 of a 3 day weekend, so there's a very good chance I will be posting some nuclear meltdown report in the next few days.  The saving grace (literally) for me is coming the end of April when I go to an adult adventure camp for 2-1/2 days. TK will be hanging with the person who she trusts most in the world after me, who has known her since kindergarten, loves her, and gets her as much as someone who doesn't live with her can.  When I told TK about it, she sighed, and said, "Cool, I get to get away from you."  I think I get points for not jumping up and yelling, "Hallelujah!"  Then TK added,  "How long will you be gone?  What if I need you while you're gone?"  and the one that summed up all the "scarcity mentality" our TKs have, "Well, you better not brag about it when you get home, because I will be really mad that you had fun and I didn't."  And yep, I had to take a deep breath and tell myself that TK wasn't being selfish, she was in the scarcity fear.  "If you have fun, there's none left for me. If you go away and have a great time without me, it means you'd rather be there than with me."  I reminded myself of that and still sighed and rolled my eyes.  (As TK says, "I'm WORKING on it, okay?")

I was thinking tonight about why it has been 5 years since I have had any real time without TK.  The truth is, as it so often is with our TKs, complicated and not pretty.  One reason is that no one wanted to keep her. She is (far less now) challenging, and for those who knew her when the trauma was in high gear, the thought of having her for prolonged periods was overwhelming.  Another reason is I was unwilling to let my friends keep her for fear of losing friendships.  The reality is I have lost many "friendships" because of TK's trauma stuff, so I was unwilling to take that chance.  It was easier to just deal with it myself, just suck it up an keep on going.  But the main reason was TK just didn't feel safe when I wasn't around.  We have finally hit a point (I think) where she does - with certain people, in certain circumstances. Sleepovers have always been fine, but prolonged no-mom periods have been untenable.  I am delighted to test run my theory that we are past that. Stay tuned for how much fallout there will be after the fact. I'm sure there will be plenty.

If you don't have the grace to tell yourself that it's working, that you're doing a great job, take some from me.....Well done, Trauma Mamas (and Trauma Dads and Trauma Caregivers)......you ARE making a difference.  You are exactly what your TK needs, even in your most broken, battered moments. Give yourselves some grace, be strong, and know you are not alone.