Well THAT was short lived

Sigh......imagine that lasting about 7 seconds and you're getting close.  I know the healing journey is not a straight line....not for our kids, and not for us.  I think Mary Chapin Carpenter hit it on the head when she said, "Some days you're the windshield, some days you're the bug. Some days you're the Louisville slugger, some days you're the ball."  I have to admit being the ball pretty much stinks.  (okay, I admit I edited my first comment and downgraded it to stinks....you get the gist).

You may remember I said TK had returned to a loving, affectionate, kind, temper tantrum free kid.  Boy it was nice while that lasted.  

I don't know what flipped, but something did. We are back to surly, disrespectful, flash temper, utterly unpredictable girl.  And I must say I did NOT miss that version of TK and am not excited about having her back. I wish I could give her a permanent eviction notice, but I know I can't.  

I also I wish I knew what the heck happened to flip things.  The truth is I may never know. We may just have to weather this leg of the journey and hope the next leg is smoother and comes quickly.  I managed to listen with my heart on Wednesday; today I wasn't in that place of compassion.  I am mentally and emotionally drained. The good news is I had forgotten how exhausting it was to walk on eggshells, knowing the mood will change quickly and without warning.  Some of this may be tweendom (heaven help me if it's the next phase of the girl journey), but it doesn't really matter the cause.  The end result is the same- turmoil for both of us.  I am struggling to stay in a place of compassion, but the weird truth is it is harder to do that since we had a good spell.  You would think it would be hard to stay there when it's a constant requirement, but I saw the other side and I liked it, and I resent being back here.  So I am struggling to squash that resentment and the voice in my head that says, "She managed to be be fine before, why can't she do it now?"  My brain knows it is not that easy. TK doesn't even know why it is so hard right now.

So I will probably do a lot of sighing, probably way too much walking away (because I am trying not to yell, but walking away is a rejection, so it's not a great option either.  But I think it's better than yelling.), a lot of praying and a fair amount of crying. And I will seek the grace to grab the sweet moments in the chaos - for they are there, I just have to remember to savor them.  

Send my some grace for this leg of the journey, Trauma Mamas.  I'll keep trying to hold onto the sweet moments and wait for my sweet TK to return.  I know persistent, unwavering, unconditional love will unearth her again.