TK has had a hard time letting me leave from school the last few days, and hasn't wanted to go. This is not unusual, but the intensity of it is increasing, and I have been struggling to get to the root cause.
Today after school TK started an argument about something we bought. It was a ridiculous argument about when we bought it. She has been trying to start arguments multiple times every day, which is not normal. I refused to engage, and that infuriated her. She kept yelling, "Why won't you just scream at me?" She has also been saying she wants to do random acts of meanness. (We did random acts of kindness for my birthday last week).
After I walked away from the argument and breathed a little, I went back and said, "It seems like you don't think I love you unless I scream at you. I don't understand that. Can you help me understand why you feel that way? Because no matter how much I scream at you, it's never going to change how much I love you, and it's never going to make me leave you." She just kept saying she didn't know, but she needed to be mean. I just kept listening - with my heart, not my ears. The conversation finally bloomed:
TK: When I asked the teacher a question, she told me she was working with E on math and I didn't matter. Well, she really said nothing else mattered, but I'm part of nothing else.
Me: Your heart heard that you don't matter. That must have really hurt. I'm so sorry your teacher chose words that were hurtful.
TK: She shouldn't have said that. It made me feel like nothing.
Me: And when you're mean you feel like something. It makes you feel not invisible.
TK: Yeah.
Me: So when you're mean you matter.
TK: Yeah.
Me: You know when I was young I felt like I didn't matter.
TK: What did you do?
Me: I tried to be perfect. I never got into trouble, I always got good grades. I thought if I was good enough I would matter.
TK: So what happened?
Me: It never worked. The only thing that made me matter was me just believing I DID matter, no matter what I did. I matter just because I do, because God made me and He thinks I matter.
TK: I don't know how to do that.
Me: Then we'll work on that.
TK: I don't like my new school sometimes.
Me: (trying not to respond to the fear that immediately screams into my head - Oh no, I'm going to have to homeschool her. We'll never survive!) We need to talk to your teacher about how she says things. She has had most of the kids for years, so she figures they know what she means. But you haven't been there that long, so we need to help her communicate with you in a way that works better for you.
TK: I'm scared to do that. I don't know her that well yet. What if she gets mad?
Me: I don't think she will, but I'll talk to her. She wants you to feel safe and happy. Remember how every year we have to teach your teachers what works for you? You haven't been at the school that long, and we haven't really had the conversation with your teacher yet.
TK: Can we go jump on the trampoline now?
Me: Yep.
So now is the really hard part. I really can't fix this, and that's a challenge. Sometimes all you can do is listen and love, and wait for the growth that will get your TK through the current challenge. As a mama, that hurts. As a trauma mama, it is a given that you will have to do this many many times. We cannot solve our TK's problems. All we can do is give them the tools to use and the unconditional love that hopefully gives them the strength and courage to try.
I'm trying not to freak out. Every time TK says she doesn't like her new school or she misses her old school (which happens when she hears they did something fun like roller skating), I panic. I so desperately want this school drama to be over. It is exhausting and feels like it has been going on forever. I remind myself that "I don't like something" equals "I'm uncomfortable/I'm scared". But honestly it still scares me.
I'm giving myself kudos for finding the grace to listen with my heart tonight. It has been a while since I've been able to do that. Hopefully I'll get some grace from the teacher - she has great intentions, but is not versed in trauma and that can be a challenge.
Give yourselves some grace for rising to the challenge - even when you don't rise very far. ESPECIALLY when you don't rise very far. This is tough stuff, and it's a marathon, so you will stumble sometimes and need to sit on the sidelines. But trauma mamas always come back and keep running.
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