I thought it was time to put together a trauma speak translation guide, as well as some responses that have been utterly wrong and some that have worked. I know every TK is different, but hopefully you'll find some things in here that will help on your journey.
Traumaspeak: "I hate you/that/them!"
Translation: I am uncomfortable/nervous around that person/place/thing and need you to reassure me that I am safe. I do NOT need you to say, "You don't really mean that."
What's worked for us: Acknowledging the fear by saying something like, "That is very loud/unpredictable/different." Then just listen.
Traumaspeak: "You are scaring me right now!"
Translation: You are completely dysregulated and cannot help me with my own dysregulation. If you don't get it together we are doomed. It's your job to be calm and help me, and when you get out of control I am scared that my world is falling apart.
What's worked for us: Me taking a deep breath and stopping my own meltdown (easier said that done sometimes, as regular readers of my blog know).
Traumaspeak: "I am so stupid/worthless/horrible/bad."
Translation: I am afraid you won't love me if I'm not perfect. When I make a mistake it invalidates my worth.
What's worked for us: Reminding TK that making mistakes/bad choices does not mean one is bad/stupid/etc....and being REALLY careful with my word choices when I goof up. I have to model saying things like, "Wow, I really goofed that up" as opposed to "I am so stupid for doing that. I should know better." I even have to watch when one of our pets does something annoying. If I say "stupid cat", that message still gets through to TK. Change from "I'm dumb" to "That was dumb", then add the caveat (yes, out loud so TK hears) "but everyone makes mistakes and it's okay. I'll do better next time." I also throw out examples of my own foibles and own up to/apologize for me transgressions against her.
Traumaspeak: "I don't want to go to school/church/practice."
Translation: Something in that environment is uncomfortable. (Often it's a social interaction gone awry the day before.) I'm afraid that the people there don't like me anymore. I'm afraid I might lose my cool because I'm scared that they all hate me.
What's worked for us: I don't have a good entry here. I try to just listen and say nothing. When I'm not sure what to do, that's my default answer......just hang out next to her and give her the space to feel whatever she's feeling and know I'm in it with her.
Traumaspeak: "Everybody hates me."
Translation: I did something because I was dysregulated and I'm afraid people are judging me and won't forgive me. If I make a mistake people won't like me anymore.
What's worked for us: Casually mentioning times we've forgiven each other/she's forgiven friends/they've forgiven her.
One note: All of the "what worked for us" require appropriate timing. You can't get to that part until you get past the emotion (i.e., fear) that is controlling your TK in that moment. The best way to to do that is to be in it with them. Validate how they feel...and unless you want an epic meltdown, NEVER say " You don't really feel that way/think that." Because at that moment they do. You can't rationalize away emotion. Just recognize it and hang on for the ride that goes with it. The more you can do that, the more quickly it gets resolved in the future. Love means being in that dark, ugly, scary place with them. Love means holding the candle in that place for as long as it takes. Love means NOT trying to drag your TK out of there, but sitting there with them. Love means knowing you WILL walk out of there, together, but YOU cannot decide when.
So stock up on patience, candles for those dark and scary places, and courage. You'll need all of them.
Sending you grace for this journey. It is at times overwhelmingly hard and incredibly lonely, and your candle will seem woefully inadequate sometimes, but love lights the darkness. Know you are not alone.....I know that is slim consolation when you are in the trenches, but when you come up for air, reach out and I'll be there to re-light your candle for you.
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