I had a blast from the past tonight. There were, of course, multiple factors.
Yesterday as I was waiting for TK to get home, I got a text from her saying the bus driver missed the stop and she'd be late.
When TK came in from school (just 5 minutes late), she said, "What a crazy day. Mrs. X passed out in class! She sent me to get the teacher across the hall." (It turns out Mrs. X had only been lightheaded and laid on the floor so she wouldn't pass out.) I asked her how the bus driver missed the stop and TK said some kids were "acting stupid so the bus driver yelled at them and drove through our stop. It wasn't a big deal."
TK had a rough time getting settled for bed last night, which was no surprise. It was a drama free night, which WAS a surprise.
Today when TK got home she said she only had one math problem for homework. (She had done the rest in study focus with her math teacher). I figured we had smooth sailing in front of us. You'd think! TK got her snack and wanted to get right to her homework. She asked for my help and I tried to explain how to approach the problem. She yelled that they hadn't learned it yet and I wasn't helping because I didn't explain stuff the right way. I got ticked, told her I did NOT appreciate her attitude, and went into a different room to cool off. (I know, I know, overreact much, Mom?) A few minutes later she asked if we could go upstairs (to the bonus room) to study for her vocabulary test. (Studying consists of defining a word, then playing volleyball for 1 minute, repeat.) In my head I said, "You MUST be kidding. No, I don't want to go upstairs. I want to sit here and act like I'm 4 and be angry." But I said, "Sure."
When we got upstairs, TK said, "I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings, Mom." I told her I wanted to explain why I got so upset. "You probably don't remember because it was a few years ago, but when we would start homework we would frequently end up yelling at each other. It happened so often that we didn't even like each other very much, and our family was really broken. We have worked so hard to be okay that it scares me if we fight over homework. I am terrified of going back to where we were before." TK thought on this for a minute, and said, "Mom, it won't go back like it was. We're different now."
That was a really mature and sweet comment. In truth it only mildly assuaged my fear. I know homework strife is a not uncommon part of middle school, but the memories of how broken we were are very much in my head, and I cannot just forget them. I am trying to live in faith and hope and not in fear, but this fear - the fear of our family every being that broken again - this fear is a monster.
I am grateful for the grace of TK's confidence that we are different now. I am searching for the grace enough to push aside the fear. I know we ARE different....I just want to stay that way.
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